tuesday, march 29

my other room mate asked me a couple of innocent questions the other day.  I tried to not fly off the handle but it sounded like he was accusing me. i do nott know what he was accusing me of, but it didnt matter.  after stopping and thinking about it, I realised that either a: my parents used to start their 4-5 hour long yelling fests at us kids by asking what seemed to be innnocent questions. or b: I always assumed that they werent innocent questions.  I am pushing for a.
     once again I am changing, this time into almost a lil kid like persona. i am depressed i want love, and i want atention. but at the drop of a hat I will throw a fit.  being sick helps on some levels, and on other it just seems to make things worse. being sick i am trying to leave my roomates alone because i dont want them sick at the same time, it is making my depression and persona issues seem to be more pronounced. for one thing, thanks to me being sick i want sex all the time now.
     I know you must be asking yourself, why would a single guy with no girl friend want sex all the time when he is sick?  well, when I was married to my ex, the most amount of love and affection she would give me, was during sex, so when i feel like shit.  i want sex.  At least that is the trained response.  its a lil hard to get rid of after 5 years of marriage.  but I am on my way of getting that fixed, I have been divorced for two years after all.
anyway back to my male roomates innocent questions.  the day before that and that current day I had been being a lil more paranoid than normal. (understatement of century)  i just thought i would mention that.  my head cant seem to think real clearly lately.  I typicaly have to stop midsentence a lot and reasses what i was going to ssay simply because the words dissapeared from my mind.  Not the meaning just the words which is really annoying.  Eve and Adam's relationship seems to be doing wonderful.  they usually have lots of arguments and things. but lately they dont.  which really kind of sucks in an evil way.  i guess i always secretly hoped that Eve would tire of Adam and come to me.  but hey, one thats nuts cause half the time i hate her, and two, she has already made it pretty clear that I have far more isues than Adam.  which really stings.  i was once the one trying to teaach him stuff to help their relationship.  and now i dont know anymore.  I sometimes wonder if living with this guys is such a great i dea.  i cant stand being around them when they are together, cause it just serves to remind me of how lonely I am.  I wish i had a good woman.  not some chicka i have occasional sex with either.  but someone to challenge me, someone that I find truly attractive, not just body but heart and mind as well.   but hey!  What intelligent, decent looking, compassionate woman is going to get invlolved with me?  I have terrible memory, I cant seem to do the most basic of living skills (i.e. cleaning up after one self or batheing) i have a horrible self esteem (that just causes massive confidince issues which means even if there were a woman who would come get me, I would find some way to sabotage the relations ship) and so on!

Ah well, the life of insane man sucks!

art update.

peace of art down, I am going to be heading into my counseling appointment shortly.  Before i do i wanted to upload my new art.

march 22, 2011

i feel like I am changin, I have been getting memories coming unbidden to the surface.  They are from a year ago, when i was living on my own. going outside to enjoy a smoke while enjoying the sunrise.  I continue to believe that many of my problems come from the change of seasons.  anyway onward.
     two days ago i had a massive bout of depression.  I ended up curling into a ball with agony.  when i feel intense emotions, i tend to actualy FEEL them. and with depression my chest felt like it was burning. my mind was filled with thoughts of lonliness and literal fire. i think the reason why is because i this girl i became friends with and been having some fun with, has not been satisfying me as much as i would like.  I always thought that when i had strong feeling for my room mate Eve,  that it was because i was depressed or something and just wanted anybody.  However, now I am certain that is not quite the case.  Which really sucks because she is married to my other room mate Adam.  so, sadly there is no way i could be with her.  on top of that what really adds to the frustration, is the fact that she used to like me more than friends. and Adam had no problem with that for some reason.  the reason behind his reasoning always has been a subject of some confusion.  but anyway while I was in the bout of depression all i wanted was to have eve hold me or touch in some way.  nothing sexual either
(Perves :P) the only thing i could do was lie next to the couch she was sleeping in. That was two day ago.
I still struggle with my memory so all i can say at this point is that I am currently watching a romantic comedy anime, with the occasional fight scen on netflix called sekeira or something. fun stuff. more later.