Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
been a while
starting to feel a lot better, but i am seriously concerned about the rabbit hole as i call it, it is always right there next to me waiting to pull me in. I am struggling to mainain the control i have achieved. i have le3arned that the biggest reason why i wanted to moce out away from my roomates has to do with confusions and denial. confusion over how i was feeling towards eve and denial towards how i was feeling towards my bro. I realize now that my brother is the main cause of my freakout not like he caused in acuality but more like he was the straw the broke my back kind of thing. he is currently residing in my space, and without my space I find it hard to recuperate or pull brain together when it begins to fragment. as for my confusion towards evette, i think that just boils down to me being lonely as all fuck all the time and it makes it really bad when my depression hits like a tidal wave to the balls. my conclusions?
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
starting to decide to make difficult decisions...
i dont know if its a good idea or not but at the same time well....
heres the problem
i am dealing with a lot of problems on my own, lots of stress that i cause on myself. and now I have my eldest brother here with me. and he is going through some troubled times. I dont want to be a dick. but i cant handle this shit. i cant handle someone else going through depression and bipolar shit right in front of me all the time. In my space. my safe zone has been permenantly invaded. then there is some other facts i cant seem to get out of my head. I have become so obsessed with eve that i have been taking pictures of her whenever i can, whenever I am feeling down. wether she is sleeping or nude or swimming it doesnt matter. On top of it i cant stop imagining what things would be like if i was WITH her. even if it was a poligimous relationship, and the image keep getting better and better so much that I dont WANT to push them out of my brain they have almost become comforting. and yet she sees my as a "dorky asexual brother" which slices through these ideas. while my brother is getting help from her i cant help myself feeling like "why wouldnt she do this or that with me?" even though i know that it is inaccurate and fucked up. i cant stand it anymore.
so in conclusion, I am starting to think I should leave. move someplace near by. i just dont know. i am so tired of being lonely. i am so tired of everything. when i think on it much, it starts to really hurt. everyday it seems now somethign spikes in me, some deep emotional pain. i am begining to think it has more to do with the fact that I "feel" like i am in love with a woman i can never have and I cant stand it anymore. i will never get rid of the lonliness on my own but at the same time... i wont get rid of it here either. plus I have reached a point that if I do decide to die... maybe i can go someplace better, maybe god will understand the struggles i am going through the time i am having the problems i am having the thoughts i am dealing with.
I just wish i could get a decent woman, a nice lady like eve, but i dont think i can, i dont think i will anymore. who would put up with me and not have lots of issues themselves/. they are out there, but its not like I am going to be able to meet them sitting in a house all the time,. only going out when my anxiety doesnt bother me too bad... i just wiwsh there was a quick fix i wish there was something that would truly motivating my to LIVE, and not just this compulsion to survive not even a true desire more of a fear that something else could be waiting for me that is worse. otherwise, if I thought i would just go to sleep or if i would go to some purgatory or heaven (like i would desever heaven HA), i would be dead by now...GARUNTEED!
been trying to get a hold of the counselor days ago but life seems to be conspiring against me phone died.
then redied then redied. it got wet it took me a while to dry it out enough to work. but sadly it didnt do me any good really, tomorrow I am supposed to see him. but the car took a dump and now we cant. and now i am fucked......
truly fucked probably before the next time i see him
totally fucked......
heres the problem
i am dealing with a lot of problems on my own, lots of stress that i cause on myself. and now I have my eldest brother here with me. and he is going through some troubled times. I dont want to be a dick. but i cant handle this shit. i cant handle someone else going through depression and bipolar shit right in front of me all the time. In my space. my safe zone has been permenantly invaded. then there is some other facts i cant seem to get out of my head. I have become so obsessed with eve that i have been taking pictures of her whenever i can, whenever I am feeling down. wether she is sleeping or nude or swimming it doesnt matter. On top of it i cant stop imagining what things would be like if i was WITH her. even if it was a poligimous relationship, and the image keep getting better and better so much that I dont WANT to push them out of my brain they have almost become comforting. and yet she sees my as a "dorky asexual brother" which slices through these ideas. while my brother is getting help from her i cant help myself feeling like "why wouldnt she do this or that with me?" even though i know that it is inaccurate and fucked up. i cant stand it anymore.
so in conclusion, I am starting to think I should leave. move someplace near by. i just dont know. i am so tired of being lonely. i am so tired of everything. when i think on it much, it starts to really hurt. everyday it seems now somethign spikes in me, some deep emotional pain. i am begining to think it has more to do with the fact that I "feel" like i am in love with a woman i can never have and I cant stand it anymore. i will never get rid of the lonliness on my own but at the same time... i wont get rid of it here either. plus I have reached a point that if I do decide to die... maybe i can go someplace better, maybe god will understand the struggles i am going through the time i am having the problems i am having the thoughts i am dealing with.
I just wish i could get a decent woman, a nice lady like eve, but i dont think i can, i dont think i will anymore. who would put up with me and not have lots of issues themselves/. they are out there, but its not like I am going to be able to meet them sitting in a house all the time,. only going out when my anxiety doesnt bother me too bad... i just wiwsh there was a quick fix i wish there was something that would truly motivating my to LIVE, and not just this compulsion to survive not even a true desire more of a fear that something else could be waiting for me that is worse. otherwise, if I thought i would just go to sleep or if i would go to some purgatory or heaven (like i would desever heaven HA), i would be dead by now...GARUNTEED!
been trying to get a hold of the counselor days ago but life seems to be conspiring against me phone died.
then redied then redied. it got wet it took me a while to dry it out enough to work. but sadly it didnt do me any good really, tomorrow I am supposed to see him. but the car took a dump and now we cant. and now i am fucked......
truly fucked probably before the next time i see him
totally fucked......
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
confessions
i ahve been taking pictures of eve as she walks around doing stuff. Its become an obsession and I dont know what to do about it. my brain is frying. my emotions readable yet not. i know i am getting lonely but at the same time i seem to be feeling really weird and i dont know what to do
i dont know what to do. my depression seems to be the side effect of my mania no longer being truly there like it used to be. instead of getting angry and redirecting my depression through my anger, i seem more forced to contend with the depresion i dont know how to handle depression lonlness.
i dont know what to do. my depression seems to be the side effect of my mania no longer being truly there like it used to be. instead of getting angry and redirecting my depression through my anger, i seem more forced to contend with the depresion i dont know how to handle depression lonlness.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
dont know what i am doing
i know that i want friends that are funny, easy to hang with, and like me for me. but at the same time, i want respect. i dont want frends that are stressing to be around. i dont mind some stress people are stressful its a common thing. but I don't need someone to lean on me. and that is why I really really hate me
because I feel as though i am parasite or a symbiote (more parasite). and therefore if i had a choice of wether or not to hang with myself I wouldnt. i dont know what to do. i am a goofy dork that must people consider more of a brother than anything else. I HATE THIS FACT.
where is the power the respect the dignity in these things? i dont see it I know it probably is there I just dont care for it.
still dealing with lonliness and depression, begining to not give a shit about anything. I am starting to sit comfortably on an island of "dont give a crap about shit" I want to sleep all day now, dont care too much about eating until i have food in front of me. I dont want to go upstairs anymore. i dont really want to hang with anyone. I am all around unhapp[y with the cards I have been dealt in my life. i am aware how stupid and self centered this i. and I dont really give a shit. If i thought i could go to a happier place, i would off myself. but sadly that is the one thing my logic and emotions can agree on. dieing isnt an option so living without living stalling until my moods rise, this is all I want or seem to be able to do. i have no real life. i have no one who i feel really cares. and I live in a world of emotional delusion and have no real way out. i am fucking unhappy if you havent caught the drift. death would be a release if it didnt come from my hand or idea. sadly god seems towant me to stick around. if i was lucky some punk would run me over or shoot me to steal my wallet. but hey! i dont have luck I have shit. anyway this isnt going to help any further so i amg oing to go lay in bed and pretend i live in a different world. a world of abstract ness. a world where my delusions are the rules. where maybe i can be comfortable for a while yes?
fuck me
because I feel as though i am parasite or a symbiote (more parasite). and therefore if i had a choice of wether or not to hang with myself I wouldnt. i dont know what to do. i am a goofy dork that must people consider more of a brother than anything else. I HATE THIS FACT.
where is the power the respect the dignity in these things? i dont see it I know it probably is there I just dont care for it.
still dealing with lonliness and depression, begining to not give a shit about anything. I am starting to sit comfortably on an island of "dont give a crap about shit" I want to sleep all day now, dont care too much about eating until i have food in front of me. I dont want to go upstairs anymore. i dont really want to hang with anyone. I am all around unhapp[y with the cards I have been dealt in my life. i am aware how stupid and self centered this i. and I dont really give a shit. If i thought i could go to a happier place, i would off myself. but sadly that is the one thing my logic and emotions can agree on. dieing isnt an option so living without living stalling until my moods rise, this is all I want or seem to be able to do. i have no real life. i have no one who i feel really cares. and I live in a world of emotional delusion and have no real way out. i am fucking unhappy if you havent caught the drift. death would be a release if it didnt come from my hand or idea. sadly god seems towant me to stick around. if i was lucky some punk would run me over or shoot me to steal my wallet. but hey! i dont have luck I have shit. anyway this isnt going to help any further so i amg oing to go lay in bed and pretend i live in a different world. a world of abstract ness. a world where my delusions are the rules. where maybe i can be comfortable for a while yes?
fuck me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)