Monday, September 5, 2011
finally I can see the light
after month of chaos my mind is finally getting under control. I have been making music, going nonstop, and otherwise just getting stuff done. i still struggle with getting some things done but for the majority of the time I am doing a thousand times bettter. i dont know if it is because i am manic but if I am, I have been manic for several months now. specifically 2 and a half. so i am doing pretty damn good! I even have a date this sunday.
last two months however i have had some problems, my eldest brother is on, he moved in for a short time. then a felon, that was fun took some doing to get him out. something I dont feel right abput how we did it. i would never want someone to do what we did. but at the same time i really wasnt the one doing it. it was my roomates idea to leave and lock the door on him and stay gone for a couple days so he got the message. but anyway, the problems that I havent foound solutions to involve anxiety and adjustment.
My anxiety has always been a problem but seriously, now that I am trying to get stuff done it is really geting in the way. I went out and had some fun with some friends, and man that sucke. I had an embarrassing massive anxiety attack. what sucks is it seems to center around a pattern. It always happens when I am trying to find someone new to care about in a more girlfreind boy friend way. and it always fucks me up. or atleast when i am trying to nab affection. its like I am put in a state of flux between one mind set and another and seems even another. it fucking sucks. at least that is when i have the massive anxiety attacks. other times i seem to have just a general fear of ANYTHING. it could be time it could sunlight it could be my roomates. it is severely deabilitating.
speaking of fearing my roomates. My relations ship with them has totally gone to rocky ground. i flat dont want to hang with them anymore. they scare me and i dont know why. i went camping with them, and i didnt tell them but it seemed I had to detach myself from my self to enjoy myself. which made the whole thing very strenous to say the least.
on other things, my last discussion with my counseler proved interesting, sad thing is I dont remeber much of it. which is odd, not really odd for me but odd in general. I have come up with a small theory as to what is truly wrong iwith my memory. seeing as I can remeber cheats to video games ages old, and things of the like (always things I like no matter wahat mood I am in) i have a feeling that I have at least got a severe selective memory problem. The interesting side is that I think that at any given time I am never fully myself and instead I am a combination of one or two of three. and as such when i am not whole i can only remeber things that that one side I am currently in has experinced and i can only remeber it in the way that side would remeber it. so if I am logical, all memories center around logic. If I am angry i rember all things through a sort of overall "red" haze a blury and very aggresive set up of memories tied more to the thoughts at the time instead of actually what was happening. Then there are the times when i am depressed which are always bleak and fucking lovely (NOT). and finally my memories of being scared are always fear driven. So, when i rember something, it comes to me in the aspects of whatever i was feeling at the time. and thus colored by it. I dont know why i do things this way, maybe i am just removing myself from the equation as much as possible and thus only remeber peices, or I have boder line personalities that run the show and thus I ahve borderline memories of things. Like for instance, an actual example of this is the fact that since I am happy right now, I dont remeber much about being sad. Thus the memories of the last few months or kind of seperated and blurry. i rember that I was falling in and out of love with eve and I remeber sometimes hating her, but above I remeber my need of her. but rihght now that all seems like letter on a page, far away and removed. instead I rember more clearly that right now I dont need her and she is really annoying and that I have given up trying to show her that the way she does things is wrong and a lot of the time very hypocritical. I also remeber that I used to have more problems with holding a single train of thought long enough to create a somewhat coherent blog ientry. sevearl times now I have utilized words that before I had to completly erase passsages to avoid using them cause I either forgot their meaning or could not rember the spelling enough to even try puting them on here in a way that someone else could read what I had meant. i dont deny that I am stil struggling to some extent but i am amazed at how little I have to try now.
On a seperate point, I noticed something old that has become new. i am starting to become my old narcissistic (yes I probably miss spelled that sue me) self. the self i used to hide from everyone. the self i was proud of. i used to be able to play with people like they were my pawns. i am feeling that ability starting to come back. HELL, its been coming back for a while, I just haven't noticed till now.others might think this to be bad, but I find it refreshing. because if I keep running like this I might just be able to keep going backwards enough to finally show people the intelligence I once possessed. The intelligence that gave me the ability to predict the future to almost pin point accuracy using a form of math i just unconsciously utilized. It was fun in those days! very few peopkle could surprise me everyone was classified with ver4ylil error. Now that I am older and wiser if I ain back that level of intelligence....... he he he heeee!
with all of these good things happening i have only a few questions remaining for my future, how do i get a job that I know I can do for the rest of my life, and who am i going to be spending the rest of my life with. cause you know i realize that I can be independant and still want for someone else. i can still be productive while remining the romantic. I may not be quite ready for the one that I am going to marry, and I knnow that is why I havent met her. but learning how to date and how to be charming the i usecd to be, these things I can do now with anyone. That's why i have a date this sunday! i just hope I can make a few bucks between now and then!
i guess i will leave off with that, I hope to win the fight against me tomorrow so I can be here again, till the next time i guess.
last two months however i have had some problems, my eldest brother is on, he moved in for a short time. then a felon, that was fun took some doing to get him out. something I dont feel right abput how we did it. i would never want someone to do what we did. but at the same time i really wasnt the one doing it. it was my roomates idea to leave and lock the door on him and stay gone for a couple days so he got the message. but anyway, the problems that I havent foound solutions to involve anxiety and adjustment.
My anxiety has always been a problem but seriously, now that I am trying to get stuff done it is really geting in the way. I went out and had some fun with some friends, and man that sucke. I had an embarrassing massive anxiety attack. what sucks is it seems to center around a pattern. It always happens when I am trying to find someone new to care about in a more girlfreind boy friend way. and it always fucks me up. or atleast when i am trying to nab affection. its like I am put in a state of flux between one mind set and another and seems even another. it fucking sucks. at least that is when i have the massive anxiety attacks. other times i seem to have just a general fear of ANYTHING. it could be time it could sunlight it could be my roomates. it is severely deabilitating.
speaking of fearing my roomates. My relations ship with them has totally gone to rocky ground. i flat dont want to hang with them anymore. they scare me and i dont know why. i went camping with them, and i didnt tell them but it seemed I had to detach myself from my self to enjoy myself. which made the whole thing very strenous to say the least.
on other things, my last discussion with my counseler proved interesting, sad thing is I dont remeber much of it. which is odd, not really odd for me but odd in general. I have come up with a small theory as to what is truly wrong iwith my memory. seeing as I can remeber cheats to video games ages old, and things of the like (always things I like no matter wahat mood I am in) i have a feeling that I have at least got a severe selective memory problem. The interesting side is that I think that at any given time I am never fully myself and instead I am a combination of one or two of three. and as such when i am not whole i can only remeber things that that one side I am currently in has experinced and i can only remeber it in the way that side would remeber it. so if I am logical, all memories center around logic. If I am angry i rember all things through a sort of overall "red" haze a blury and very aggresive set up of memories tied more to the thoughts at the time instead of actually what was happening. Then there are the times when i am depressed which are always bleak and fucking lovely (NOT). and finally my memories of being scared are always fear driven. So, when i rember something, it comes to me in the aspects of whatever i was feeling at the time. and thus colored by it. I dont know why i do things this way, maybe i am just removing myself from the equation as much as possible and thus only remeber peices, or I have boder line personalities that run the show and thus I ahve borderline memories of things. Like for instance, an actual example of this is the fact that since I am happy right now, I dont remeber much about being sad. Thus the memories of the last few months or kind of seperated and blurry. i rember that I was falling in and out of love with eve and I remeber sometimes hating her, but above I remeber my need of her. but rihght now that all seems like letter on a page, far away and removed. instead I rember more clearly that right now I dont need her and she is really annoying and that I have given up trying to show her that the way she does things is wrong and a lot of the time very hypocritical. I also remeber that I used to have more problems with holding a single train of thought long enough to create a somewhat coherent blog ientry. sevearl times now I have utilized words that before I had to completly erase passsages to avoid using them cause I either forgot their meaning or could not rember the spelling enough to even try puting them on here in a way that someone else could read what I had meant. i dont deny that I am stil struggling to some extent but i am amazed at how little I have to try now.
On a seperate point, I noticed something old that has become new. i am starting to become my old narcissistic (yes I probably miss spelled that sue me) self. the self i used to hide from everyone. the self i was proud of. i used to be able to play with people like they were my pawns. i am feeling that ability starting to come back. HELL, its been coming back for a while, I just haven't noticed till now.others might think this to be bad, but I find it refreshing. because if I keep running like this I might just be able to keep going backwards enough to finally show people the intelligence I once possessed. The intelligence that gave me the ability to predict the future to almost pin point accuracy using a form of math i just unconsciously utilized. It was fun in those days! very few peopkle could surprise me everyone was classified with ver4ylil error. Now that I am older and wiser if I ain back that level of intelligence....... he he he heeee!
with all of these good things happening i have only a few questions remaining for my future, how do i get a job that I know I can do for the rest of my life, and who am i going to be spending the rest of my life with. cause you know i realize that I can be independant and still want for someone else. i can still be productive while remining the romantic. I may not be quite ready for the one that I am going to marry, and I knnow that is why I havent met her. but learning how to date and how to be charming the i usecd to be, these things I can do now with anyone. That's why i have a date this sunday! i just hope I can make a few bucks between now and then!
i guess i will leave off with that, I hope to win the fight against me tomorrow so I can be here again, till the next time i guess.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
been a while
starting to feel a lot better, but i am seriously concerned about the rabbit hole as i call it, it is always right there next to me waiting to pull me in. I am struggling to mainain the control i have achieved. i have le3arned that the biggest reason why i wanted to moce out away from my roomates has to do with confusions and denial. confusion over how i was feeling towards eve and denial towards how i was feeling towards my bro. I realize now that my brother is the main cause of my freakout not like he caused in acuality but more like he was the straw the broke my back kind of thing. he is currently residing in my space, and without my space I find it hard to recuperate or pull brain together when it begins to fragment. as for my confusion towards evette, i think that just boils down to me being lonely as all fuck all the time and it makes it really bad when my depression hits like a tidal wave to the balls. my conclusions?
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
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