I have been feeling my lovy dovy mode comong on for a while, i have been fighting it away, byt trying to spend time with friends doing friend type of things. it has been working greeat so far. But then earlier today when i went for a LONG walk with eve, we started talking about htings. ihad told her i wanted to start looking for someone to be with, someone nice and for once decent for me. she still thinks its a bad idea with all the issues I have. i think she is right. but to be honest i am so tired of dealing with issues on my own. she didnt understand what i meant when i mentioned that. i had to explain, that when i am feeling really bad, i cant go to her. and she said wwhy not im your friend arent i?
yes you are, but, when someone holds me or anything when i am feeling down, i get an emotional attachment to them, which can causes massive problems for us
she didnt understand, but after a while, i convinced her and got her to understand. she still thinks that me being with someone is a bad idea. i cant really disagree, but at the same time, i reeally cant stand this anymore, i am tired of feeling suicidal and depressed and having no one to really go to that can help me through it. Ont top of that I am tired of watching adam go through similiar problems but yet having somoene to lean on. mean while i cant. god it pisses me off. anyway i im about to completly lose it and start balling but my room mate doesnt know icause i am makeing light of the situation instead of telling her. i know I am not gong to blow up so there is no real point in inform her cause like i said i cant go to her really for any REAL healing. Yay me
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
thursday, april 14 2011
feeling pretty good to day, feeling somewhat normal. my patience for idiocity is low. i have no idea what mode im in. but i actually brushed my teeth, my hair, and taken a shower, whearing some cologne and also put on deo. I am doing rather good I think lol! anyway i think i will post more later.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
wednesday, april 13
it has been a while, i have gone through several modes, at one point I had plenty of energy, for one week i felt i could do anything, but i couldnt focus on crap. Iwas everywhere. At least i was somewhat helpful to my roomates adam and eve. I slept for only four hours a day, andi was up through the night so i could wake adam up for his new job. the guy can be annoying. he doesnt have any real reason to be up three hours before work, but he does it anyway. Crap, i probably need to go through the whole thought process thing...
I have noticed that many of my thoughts have been influenced by things of the past. stuff my parents did and so forth. However I also realised that the way I was thinking then (and still do now) made such event in past een worse than thy really were. I can never seem to percieve things the way they really are. I stilol feel however that I am getting better at it. i a aware that my judgement is largly influenced by my emotions, and that my emotions seem to go through these phases or "modes". One mode may be influenced by depression through lonliness or sexual frustration, or simply feeling ill, intersting enough these emotions can cause me to enter a "lovy dovy touchy feely" mode. this mode makes it rather difficult to resist certain urges when concerning eve. i typically want to touch her. Obviously this is a bad idea, considering she is married to adam. So I try to resist the urge, evetually it gets so strong that I tend to be unable to resist it aymore, so instead of doing something incredibly stupid, i do something only somewhat stupid (lol) I give her massages. this is still stupid, because while i am giving her a massage, i am doing a great job of giving myself a mind fuck from hell. I have to continously control how much I allow this "mode" to affect me, since I can no longer stop it at this point (my inability to stop it stems from my altered desire to do so, in other words i dont really fully want to stop it, which to me makes no real sense at all.....). while i am in this mode the battle within consists of my strong desire to be close to a female companion I care much about. Why do I want to be close to a companion of this nature. Simple, for some reason I have this weird thing wired in my head that the only way to feel better about these times when i am depressed or whatever is to be near someone else who can take care of me. You begining to understand the mind fuck here? I do the massages and things to stall out the mode until it passes on its own. the reason i do massages to stall, is because it keeps this "mode" of me thinking that eventually i will get what i truly desire, the nurture aspect of a person that would be a hybrid of to classification of relationship, mother and wife. when i say it is a hybrid, I damn well mean a hybrid. I am well aware that the images and thus deisres that come into my head at this time ar not normal. if anyone else where to see the things that influenceds my ages, the images in my head. they would see a mother doing some very fucked up incestual things to a young man.
Another mode I enter, is one of aggresion or "asshole mode" typically this occurs when I am depressed, angry with my self, sexually frustrated and I WONT allow the other mode to take over, or have run low on my stress mangement skills. in this mode, I seem to feel that everyone is accusing me of something, everyone is using me, im genrally just plain paranoid. one thing one person can say, well come across to me ENTIRELY different. also in this mode, i am not only on the defensive, but more than that, i am on the offensive, I want to take anyone down a notch or two. ok honestl, thats a lie, my desire is to tear someone apart, either physically, mentally, or spiritually. However i do my best once again while in this mode to resist and control wheer i can. instead of trearing someone apart physically, Istay away from them, instead of trying to obliterate someone's brain, i typically try to have fun with someone instead. instead of trying to tear someone down spiritually (corrupt them) i keep my mouth shut and stay away from morally challenging issues. What makes things worse sis that while in this mode, certain things i hought I would have let go and not gave a shit about, seems to pop into my memory. but for some reason are never fully or poperly remebered. so lil shit that bugs me now bugs me a LOT. espeacially since I try to remeber what ticked me off in the first place, and my brain hits paritial broken memories and half createed ones. its like resideing in the mind of some really crazy fucked up demon.
my final mode for today, is only patially figured out to any extent. there are times when my emotions shut down completely. usually times of extreme stress or unexpected sudden and large changes can shoot me into this. There are times I have gone into it and I dont know how. but with my emotions sut down, my brain is able to think a lot better. my memory serves me better. my cumminacative abilites work better. in fact if I were to make a call on what mode im in currently, this would be the one. everything seems ideal, but while in this mode my thinking may be better, but that is only what it seems. I am not totally sure there is any real differnce. however wether there is a differnce or not, there is one thing I am sure of. while I am in this mode, focus is hard to achieve. my brain is able to tackle challenges, but only for a short time am I able to put forth effort towards it. mean while my brain typically anders to other things, trying to tackle FAR more challenges than I possibly can, its like I know i only have this mode for a while, and then suddenly it will be gone. so I try to do ar too much when i am like this. this mode can sometimes interchange with others. like with ass hole mode,or another mode where i am excseviely happy and dont give a shit what other people think. if i see something I typically have to resist the urge to point it out, but when i do, its like there is no mental word from brain to mouth filter. well actually that pretty much somes that mode up. I would have to call it "hyper" mode. any way. when I am in the non emotional mode, I am able to get things done at least mentally, it all depends on my energy level when it happens.
Well I think i about covered it for the lil leaps in mental deconstruction for today. i would like to inform you now of how my life has actually been going. i am still haveing difficulty figuring out what exactly I am doing with sara. I feel guilty because I feel like I amusing her for sex and money but I am not entirely sure I am really being that much of a dick. I try to give her advice, and to help where i can. I think my continued desire to be with her in any sort of way, is because of my lack of STRONG emotion for her. I can think! in previous relationships, I couldn''t hink at all. I couldn't find a point of stabilization with the other person, because I was always reading them with my emotions bluring the lines so horibly that they never actually stayed where they should. in other words. i saw the person entirly differntly than who they were. with sara i feel no real strong emotional attachment. i care about her as a friend, or rather maybe as some one to soimply care about. but nothing so strong that I cant see who she is. she is a complete idiot and retard, she is rather unattactive, and she is irresonsible and a liar. these are things i am always aware of. while with others i can pinpoint their negative points, but I can never see them all at the same time. even though i am aware of all of sara's negative points. i am also aware of her major good one. She is very compassionate.
my time is up for today. more on the life of a crazy guy in later posts, thank you and goodnight !!!!!!
I have noticed that many of my thoughts have been influenced by things of the past. stuff my parents did and so forth. However I also realised that the way I was thinking then (and still do now) made such event in past een worse than thy really were. I can never seem to percieve things the way they really are. I stilol feel however that I am getting better at it. i a aware that my judgement is largly influenced by my emotions, and that my emotions seem to go through these phases or "modes". One mode may be influenced by depression through lonliness or sexual frustration, or simply feeling ill, intersting enough these emotions can cause me to enter a "lovy dovy touchy feely" mode. this mode makes it rather difficult to resist certain urges when concerning eve. i typically want to touch her. Obviously this is a bad idea, considering she is married to adam. So I try to resist the urge, evetually it gets so strong that I tend to be unable to resist it aymore, so instead of doing something incredibly stupid, i do something only somewhat stupid (lol) I give her massages. this is still stupid, because while i am giving her a massage, i am doing a great job of giving myself a mind fuck from hell. I have to continously control how much I allow this "mode" to affect me, since I can no longer stop it at this point (my inability to stop it stems from my altered desire to do so, in other words i dont really fully want to stop it, which to me makes no real sense at all.....). while i am in this mode the battle within consists of my strong desire to be close to a female companion I care much about. Why do I want to be close to a companion of this nature. Simple, for some reason I have this weird thing wired in my head that the only way to feel better about these times when i am depressed or whatever is to be near someone else who can take care of me. You begining to understand the mind fuck here? I do the massages and things to stall out the mode until it passes on its own. the reason i do massages to stall, is because it keeps this "mode" of me thinking that eventually i will get what i truly desire, the nurture aspect of a person that would be a hybrid of to classification of relationship, mother and wife. when i say it is a hybrid, I damn well mean a hybrid. I am well aware that the images and thus deisres that come into my head at this time ar not normal. if anyone else where to see the things that influenceds my ages, the images in my head. they would see a mother doing some very fucked up incestual things to a young man.
Another mode I enter, is one of aggresion or "asshole mode" typically this occurs when I am depressed, angry with my self, sexually frustrated and I WONT allow the other mode to take over, or have run low on my stress mangement skills. in this mode, I seem to feel that everyone is accusing me of something, everyone is using me, im genrally just plain paranoid. one thing one person can say, well come across to me ENTIRELY different. also in this mode, i am not only on the defensive, but more than that, i am on the offensive, I want to take anyone down a notch or two. ok honestl, thats a lie, my desire is to tear someone apart, either physically, mentally, or spiritually. However i do my best once again while in this mode to resist and control wheer i can. instead of trearing someone apart physically, Istay away from them, instead of trying to obliterate someone's brain, i typically try to have fun with someone instead. instead of trying to tear someone down spiritually (corrupt them) i keep my mouth shut and stay away from morally challenging issues. What makes things worse sis that while in this mode, certain things i hought I would have let go and not gave a shit about, seems to pop into my memory. but for some reason are never fully or poperly remebered. so lil shit that bugs me now bugs me a LOT. espeacially since I try to remeber what ticked me off in the first place, and my brain hits paritial broken memories and half createed ones. its like resideing in the mind of some really crazy fucked up demon.
my final mode for today, is only patially figured out to any extent. there are times when my emotions shut down completely. usually times of extreme stress or unexpected sudden and large changes can shoot me into this. There are times I have gone into it and I dont know how. but with my emotions sut down, my brain is able to think a lot better. my memory serves me better. my cumminacative abilites work better. in fact if I were to make a call on what mode im in currently, this would be the one. everything seems ideal, but while in this mode my thinking may be better, but that is only what it seems. I am not totally sure there is any real differnce. however wether there is a differnce or not, there is one thing I am sure of. while I am in this mode, focus is hard to achieve. my brain is able to tackle challenges, but only for a short time am I able to put forth effort towards it. mean while my brain typically anders to other things, trying to tackle FAR more challenges than I possibly can, its like I know i only have this mode for a while, and then suddenly it will be gone. so I try to do ar too much when i am like this. this mode can sometimes interchange with others. like with ass hole mode,or another mode where i am excseviely happy and dont give a shit what other people think. if i see something I typically have to resist the urge to point it out, but when i do, its like there is no mental word from brain to mouth filter. well actually that pretty much somes that mode up. I would have to call it "hyper" mode. any way. when I am in the non emotional mode, I am able to get things done at least mentally, it all depends on my energy level when it happens.
Well I think i about covered it for the lil leaps in mental deconstruction for today. i would like to inform you now of how my life has actually been going. i am still haveing difficulty figuring out what exactly I am doing with sara. I feel guilty because I feel like I amusing her for sex and money but I am not entirely sure I am really being that much of a dick. I try to give her advice, and to help where i can. I think my continued desire to be with her in any sort of way, is because of my lack of STRONG emotion for her. I can think! in previous relationships, I couldn''t hink at all. I couldn't find a point of stabilization with the other person, because I was always reading them with my emotions bluring the lines so horibly that they never actually stayed where they should. in other words. i saw the person entirly differntly than who they were. with sara i feel no real strong emotional attachment. i care about her as a friend, or rather maybe as some one to soimply care about. but nothing so strong that I cant see who she is. she is a complete idiot and retard, she is rather unattactive, and she is irresonsible and a liar. these are things i am always aware of. while with others i can pinpoint their negative points, but I can never see them all at the same time. even though i am aware of all of sara's negative points. i am also aware of her major good one. She is very compassionate.
my time is up for today. more on the life of a crazy guy in later posts, thank you and goodnight !!!!!!
some old poetry about acceptance and change...
every night I look into the sky
put my hands on either side of my eyes
and wait for the hidden lights to shine
I think of the ebb and flow of time
at one time I tried to conquer the impossible
questioning all things possible
I have learned that my view is jaded
I can not see the things that are shaded
upon accepting this
I have found a kind of bliss
I dont need to know everything
knowing that I will always know nothing
sheds boulders off my back
I can not predict every attack
i can not change inevitable
here is no need to steal all things covetable
for now i am here
change is not something to fear
you cant stop the boulder from rolling down the mountain
but you can change it s direction like a fountain
dealing with what I can
makes me realize I am simply a man
tomorrow may never come
this concerns some
id rather enjoy the day
anticipate the ripples i make while I stay
then drown in sorrow and despair
this for now seems fair
good can be bad
joy can be sad
so I concern myself with only myself
and put my worries on the highest shelf
this I think about while staring int to the sky
with each hand on either side of my eyes
when i think of the beautiful night
I know deep down, everything will be alright
put my hands on either side of my eyes
and wait for the hidden lights to shine
I think of the ebb and flow of time
at one time I tried to conquer the impossible
questioning all things possible
I have learned that my view is jaded
I can not see the things that are shaded
upon accepting this
I have found a kind of bliss
I dont need to know everything
knowing that I will always know nothing
sheds boulders off my back
I can not predict every attack
i can not change inevitable
here is no need to steal all things covetable
for now i am here
change is not something to fear
you cant stop the boulder from rolling down the mountain
but you can change it s direction like a fountain
dealing with what I can
makes me realize I am simply a man
tomorrow may never come
this concerns some
id rather enjoy the day
anticipate the ripples i make while I stay
then drown in sorrow and despair
this for now seems fair
good can be bad
joy can be sad
so I concern myself with only myself
and put my worries on the highest shelf
this I think about while staring int to the sky
with each hand on either side of my eyes
when i think of the beautiful night
I know deep down, everything will be alright
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