I was thinking of a discussion I had with an ex lover of my girlfriend, something came to me. this ex lover of hers seemed to treat me as if I agreed with everything my girlfriend did. as if we were like minded about everything. it makes me wonder, is that the common problem about todays romance? is everyone trying in secret to find themselves? I thought about it. At first it makes a sort of sense. However if you look further down the road you realize that someone who grows straight up with as you go through our small amount of time in this world. will only grow straight up, and eventually will fall apart from its own weight. however if you find someone iwho is like you ennough to intrigue you, to make you question yourself, that you get hooked. yes this is a great start. but they also have to be different enough to oppose you, to challenge you. thus they have to be just enough the opposite. as i thought about this, I thought of other things as well. You see my girlfriend lives in a world of paintings and pretty colors, vibrate reds, blues, purple, and above black. black seems to stand out quite for both of us (I sometimes wonder if that is just part of being human). however, I choose to look beyond the canvas to the "skeletons as i have called them. my world combines thoughts feeling ideas hunchs religious belifs all with a stragely large dose of what I guess i will call "weird math". viewing my world the way i do, has given me interesting insights into not only the world around me but also into the people around me. I have been able to utilize this "world view" to further my survival. I used it as a child, and I continue to use as an adult. the big question that i keep asking myself is:"should I alter her view?" for you see my way of veiwing things has enabled me to surpass my drawbacks at almost every corner and to be able to circumvent many of my problems before they have actually grown into a visible threat. In doing these things I have also been able to foresee most of my problems, and find a way to at least survive them. every day my way of seeing things changes. Not only that but more importantly it slowly grows as well. i thank god for the things in my life. Espeacially for the ability to see the wonders he does. I can see the black and the white, but however every now and then, for medium lengths of time, i see new colors. colors that aren't color. There is no bad, there is no good, there is only furthering the equation, doing what is necessary for thhis machine called "life" to reach its final conclusion. I dont know what it is, i have my theories. But I can only see a tiny potion of the puzzle at a time.
hearing all this, you would almost think that there is no reason why I should try my hardest to show her my world. but there is a small problem.... the phrase "ignorance is bliss." and the fact that sometimes, the seed is not ready to grow, and that sometimes, the flower does not want to grow the thorns necessary for the rose bush. not only that, There is also the bigger question, do I have the ability to open her eyes, without burning them. Many people in fact I havve developed the theory that many people, see only the paint. They get by on that, enjoying the beauty without questioning it. without asking the question. I grant you most people ask the question why on a regular basis. but do they ask it enough to see what I see? i dont thinks so. I believe that my last few statement have alreasy shwn me to be quite arrogant and narcisctic in many ways. Even though i may be deluded on in my own grandeur sometimes, I am not stupid enough to believe that I have the ability to give someone else the gift that god gave me. even if they show the potential to hold it.
To be honest, i think may ability to see things the way i do, gives me a draw back I have not really found a way to fix. I have a hard time focusing on the simple stuff that other people who see the canvas, can do. and i worry that trying to give kat my insight, will give her the same problem.
i can not tell you that I know that me and her will be together for the rest of our lives. i learned that time changes many things.but i do know that in the now, I am the perfect one to help her, and she has the potential to finaly give me the focus and purpose I have always wanted.
To be honest though, i really hate being patient lol. i have been waiting for as long as i can remeber for the very focus i hope she will help sculpt out of me. and so far she has not kept me waiting with out giving me tidbits here and there. time was always my mosted hated enemy. Somehow though it always seems to put things where they need to be, if you let it. to be clear, in my mind, time and god, are basicly the same thing. or rather god created everything, and time is just a way to measure the amount of clicks that happen in any given moment.
well I think i have rambled long enough, you can thank my girlfriend for this long post, she is the one that said i should try puting more of myself into this thing. i hope it helps.
