Tuesday, May 31, 2011
not awake
Saturday, May 28, 2011
tirrrredd
had a yard sale and had to deal with a lot of anxiety, i woke up by myself for once. i couldnt think real well, and I currently dont remeber much else........um i tired..... night!
Friday, May 27, 2011
today is.....friday , I think?
well today was ok....the biggest thing that is on my mind at this point is the fact that i can seem to rember anything. today several times certain events came to pass that didnt seem to actually occur. for example half way into the evening I totally forgot about the first section of the day. to start out with, I got up brushed my teeth washed my face and ran out the door eating some angelfood cake. Eve, Adam, and i headed outside the city for a doctor apointment. On the way home, we got mcdonalds. once home i had to stick around for a charter guy while eve took adam to work. when eve got back the maintance guys from the apartment complex came by and fixed a clog, THEN finally the charter guy showed up. after that everything is is kindf still fuzzy, we left to do errands and things. whats weird, is while we were running errands, i couldnt for the life of me rember any of this morning until I asked eve what we ate, when she said mcdonalds it all flooded back. this hapens to me a lot. i am wondering if i should moniter this, and se if it occurs when i am in some emotaional status or not. Either way i am still rather concerned. as for the rest of the day, the was a lot of runing around and so forth, but other than that everything seems to have returned to normally with my emotions and so on. I also found one other occurence when i want a smoke, when i am around others that do so also, i feel a compulsion to join in, its like a secret club card, Immeadiatly after lighting up conversations start. it becomes easeir for me to fit in.
after rembering this I also realized i seem to have a desire to cry or get emotional in a rather girly way (in my opinion). it not like a depresion like i have had before its just this i dont know.... I see something movingand I start to ball then stop. and i feel sad that i have to work so hard to fit in to this world, but at the same time i am feeling this challenge and i want to defeat it! it makes me wonder if maybe this therapy is helping more than i thought (again) and that the walls that i have had within me are breaking more and more, it makes me happy, almost free. part of my dedustion on this is due to the fact that i am realizing more and more i have this need to defeat something. i guess i spent many years of my life "defeating" vieo games. and now those same games i find are worthless, i have beaten every kind of game out there, there are no "new" challenges only new experiences with the new games that come out. As i have come to realize this, i am trying to ffind new ways to utiliza this drive.
s
sorry if my thoughts are not as well put together this blog, i am struggling to put them in a coherent chain as is. but I have also notice this strange seperation of emotion from thought or action versus thinking. because i have just now officially realized that I have a drive to "fdefeat" something, and yet I have been unconsciously ustilizing this in new ways. i am strive to "defeat" my illness. I am striveing to "defeat" college. I am striving to "defeat" my memory loss issues. i am striving to "defeat" Eve's criticism by drawing her the "perfect" gift. i am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am POWERFUL! i am intelligent, i am handsome, i am able to do what others can do. I question wether I can do more, but I still think I can. I will eventually create something revolutionary, something that will leave a stamp on the pyramid of science or philosophy, or maybe even art (although i think that would be too freaking easy and not permenant. I once theroized that we all strive to achieve immortality in some way or another. but the main direction that people go is by leaving a memory, a ripple effect that will bounce off many others after they die. I wonder if this theory is actually more devised of my own thinking than that of anyone else's. Part of my way to deduct this (what i consider potentialy true) reality is by considering the theories that segmund freud came up with. i suspect as do many others from what I have heard over the years, that segmund was actually anaylzing himself. which makes sense to me, as when i study psycholgy, i am actually seeking answers about myself. Anyway it is getting late and i need to get up early tomorrow to assist Eve with the preparation of a yardsale. after i post this however i plan on immeadiatly posting two versions of the gift that I am working on, to see what others might think. one is hand drawn in pen, and the other is the unfinished scaned edit of the original pen work. i wish all good night and I hope truly others would remeber me better than I seem to rember them lol.
after rembering this I also realized i seem to have a desire to cry or get emotional in a rather girly way (in my opinion). it not like a depresion like i have had before its just this i dont know.... I see something movingand I start to ball then stop. and i feel sad that i have to work so hard to fit in to this world, but at the same time i am feeling this challenge and i want to defeat it! it makes me wonder if maybe this therapy is helping more than i thought (again) and that the walls that i have had within me are breaking more and more, it makes me happy, almost free. part of my dedustion on this is due to the fact that i am realizing more and more i have this need to defeat something. i guess i spent many years of my life "defeating" vieo games. and now those same games i find are worthless, i have beaten every kind of game out there, there are no "new" challenges only new experiences with the new games that come out. As i have come to realize this, i am trying to ffind new ways to utiliza this drive.
s
sorry if my thoughts are not as well put together this blog, i am struggling to put them in a coherent chain as is. but I have also notice this strange seperation of emotion from thought or action versus thinking. because i have just now officially realized that I have a drive to "fdefeat" something, and yet I have been unconsciously ustilizing this in new ways. i am strive to "defeat" my illness. I am striveing to "defeat" college. I am striving to "defeat" my memory loss issues. i am striving to "defeat" Eve's criticism by drawing her the "perfect" gift. i am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am POWERFUL! i am intelligent, i am handsome, i am able to do what others can do. I question wether I can do more, but I still think I can. I will eventually create something revolutionary, something that will leave a stamp on the pyramid of science or philosophy, or maybe even art (although i think that would be too freaking easy and not permenant. I once theroized that we all strive to achieve immortality in some way or another. but the main direction that people go is by leaving a memory, a ripple effect that will bounce off many others after they die. I wonder if this theory is actually more devised of my own thinking than that of anyone else's. Part of my way to deduct this (what i consider potentialy true) reality is by considering the theories that segmund freud came up with. i suspect as do many others from what I have heard over the years, that segmund was actually anaylzing himself. which makes sense to me, as when i study psycholgy, i am actually seeking answers about myself. Anyway it is getting late and i need to get up early tomorrow to assist Eve with the preparation of a yardsale. after i post this however i plan on immeadiatly posting two versions of the gift that I am working on, to see what others might think. one is hand drawn in pen, and the other is the unfinished scaned edit of the original pen work. i wish all good night and I hope truly others would remeber me better than I seem to rember them lol.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
a decent day...
nothing overtly unusual accurred today. However on the mental side things are getting weird again. my current view of Eve is swaying towards that lovy dovy crap again. and with it a lot of uncomfortable stuffs. I still find her annoying but as the day has progressed that annoyance has receeeded more and more into the background. and my other feelings are coming out more and more. its getting to the point where its uncomfortable to be around her. on top of all this i am finding that my usual ability to spell words has been steadily and slowly going down hill. so far i have seemed to have forgotten three words. I ofcourse rember them now. well all but one. acurrence (which i still dont think i am spelling right and you will notice i discovered i couldnt spell this one during this blog) warp (i spelled it worp) and Playmat (HA I did remember! Although i think I am still spelling it wrong.) Dont get me wrong I make spelling errors all the time when I type but those are Typos, not really me forgetting how to spell something. it has me mildly concerned. on a good note i just finished an awesome drawing of Eve. i am still trying to work out a decent gift to give her for her birthday. but at the same time i ask myself why i am working so hard... and my reasons why kind of becoe suspect. the most logical reason is cause i want to do something artistic and i have in mind to do something for her. its a challenge to me. To make something she would like but would not be able to critique easily (see I knew how to spell that! :) however... i do suspect that part of the reason I am working so hard is because I do have REAL feelings for her. At the same time I am not too concerned, as I am sure i will be able to control them, and I know that one day i will find for myself a woman that I can love freely. If I do have feelings for the woman it is probably simply because of my habits. In the past anyone who shows me compassion and affection that happens to be female I seem to develope feelings for.
Thanks to my current state, i fel my usual routines being attacked, but this time i feel a certain amount of control as yes, I am no longer doing as much as I used to do, but no i am not stopping anything. so i still continue to try to bryush my teeth and take showers and the like, i even try to take the dogs out. But each of these tasks have become increasingly difficult, but not impossible. with this realization coupled with the drastic depression i felt recently i realize that i have been through this same type of thing before and it usually brings me to my knees. It usually has caused me to completly stop living, which when i come out of such state I have to start pover all the work i did before to improve myself. as i think on these things i realize I am coming a long way. i also try to rember not to let my gaurd down. I am still in my depressive state, i am just starting to come out of it, i dont need to uck up or rather give up at any point now.
I nhave noticed that the pain i feel when i am in extreme emotions, has faded since i have learned the phrase " i dont deserve pain" the phrase means much to me, as it means I am a good person but it also means i am not a super person, i can make mistakes. its like shit happens but phrased ina more personal way.
i almost forgot last time i talked to my counsler i was supposed to try at least two things. too keep track of my distorted reality (thus the whole stating the way i feel towards eve thing) and to try to figure out why i smoke. i still dont fully know. My current suspiscions is it is a method of dealing with many things . when i get anxious I pay attention to how the smoke feels going in and out of my throat (not my lungs) the more i focus on that, the more i calm down even if it is for a lil while. i believe this a modified version of a baby sucking on a pacifer, as the part of my throat that I focus on seems to be about where a pacifer would hit inside a baby's throat. Another reason for it is it is an excuse to go by myself when i really want to. An example is when my room mate Eve seems (I say seems on purpose here) to want me to pend time with her and i feel a need to go downstairs into my area. I say I am going for a smoke and then I use the cigerette as a timer for how long I stay down there. I also use a ciggerette to help me wake up in the morning, that is the one smoke i can never seem to get rid of. its like the whole " ok I have had my smoke I can have the day now". the last time that i can rember that I seem to have a smoke, i dont actually wnt a smoke, what i really want is to go through he kitchen and eat everything. I sometimes get this hunger that never goes away, no matter how much I feed it, I still feel like I am literally starving. I have stuffed myself on many occasions such as this, and ended up sick, and physically hurt from stuffing too much food into my system. I can tell you that I have found that this means of consumtion does horrible things to my digestive track, as i usually end up having diarreha (i think i spelled that right) for two to three days afterward. As soon as i realize the hunger i am feeling is not Real hunger, i try to get my self a smoke as soon as possible. wonce I have a ciggerette at these times, i swear its almost immeadiate the effect. the hunger disapears alost entirely. it goes from driving me mad to "eh the idea of food and how it tastes sounds awesome, the idea of eating said food is, well i could be doing (insert random thing i happen to be into at the time here)" anyway thats the best description i have for now.
as to a couple other things, i hope to eventually scan the new drawing as i plan on doing somestuff to it on the computer and then printing it off, or atleast scanning it to show off on here lol. tomorrow i have a doc a ppointment early in the morining I should probably try to get some rest. which brings me to my last reasonfor haveing a smoke, I also use it to transition from one mood of energy to another, in other words I need a smoke and sleep good night!
Thanks to my current state, i fel my usual routines being attacked, but this time i feel a certain amount of control as yes, I am no longer doing as much as I used to do, but no i am not stopping anything. so i still continue to try to bryush my teeth and take showers and the like, i even try to take the dogs out. But each of these tasks have become increasingly difficult, but not impossible. with this realization coupled with the drastic depression i felt recently i realize that i have been through this same type of thing before and it usually brings me to my knees. It usually has caused me to completly stop living, which when i come out of such state I have to start pover all the work i did before to improve myself. as i think on these things i realize I am coming a long way. i also try to rember not to let my gaurd down. I am still in my depressive state, i am just starting to come out of it, i dont need to uck up or rather give up at any point now.
I nhave noticed that the pain i feel when i am in extreme emotions, has faded since i have learned the phrase " i dont deserve pain" the phrase means much to me, as it means I am a good person but it also means i am not a super person, i can make mistakes. its like shit happens but phrased ina more personal way.
i almost forgot last time i talked to my counsler i was supposed to try at least two things. too keep track of my distorted reality (thus the whole stating the way i feel towards eve thing) and to try to figure out why i smoke. i still dont fully know. My current suspiscions is it is a method of dealing with many things . when i get anxious I pay attention to how the smoke feels going in and out of my throat (not my lungs) the more i focus on that, the more i calm down even if it is for a lil while. i believe this a modified version of a baby sucking on a pacifer, as the part of my throat that I focus on seems to be about where a pacifer would hit inside a baby's throat. Another reason for it is it is an excuse to go by myself when i really want to. An example is when my room mate Eve seems (I say seems on purpose here) to want me to pend time with her and i feel a need to go downstairs into my area. I say I am going for a smoke and then I use the cigerette as a timer for how long I stay down there. I also use a ciggerette to help me wake up in the morning, that is the one smoke i can never seem to get rid of. its like the whole " ok I have had my smoke I can have the day now". the last time that i can rember that I seem to have a smoke, i dont actually wnt a smoke, what i really want is to go through he kitchen and eat everything. I sometimes get this hunger that never goes away, no matter how much I feed it, I still feel like I am literally starving. I have stuffed myself on many occasions such as this, and ended up sick, and physically hurt from stuffing too much food into my system. I can tell you that I have found that this means of consumtion does horrible things to my digestive track, as i usually end up having diarreha (i think i spelled that right) for two to three days afterward. As soon as i realize the hunger i am feeling is not Real hunger, i try to get my self a smoke as soon as possible. wonce I have a ciggerette at these times, i swear its almost immeadiate the effect. the hunger disapears alost entirely. it goes from driving me mad to "eh the idea of food and how it tastes sounds awesome, the idea of eating said food is, well i could be doing (insert random thing i happen to be into at the time here)" anyway thats the best description i have for now.
as to a couple other things, i hope to eventually scan the new drawing as i plan on doing somestuff to it on the computer and then printing it off, or atleast scanning it to show off on here lol. tomorrow i have a doc a ppointment early in the morining I should probably try to get some rest. which brings me to my last reasonfor haveing a smoke, I also use it to transition from one mood of energy to another, in other words I need a smoke and sleep good night!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
stress is crunching
cant seem to get my college card adjusted properly. This is causing me lots of trouble as currently i dont fully know how much I wowe my room mate Eve we have settled on the amount of 550, although that number i feel is way off due to the fact that the majority of that is actually for gas and other things like food and clothes that I did not spend but . . . i am going to try to pay it as soon as i can. next month i am going to have to sell some of my things to come up with ten bucks but other than that i ashould be fine. I dont know whwat to do about things right now still dealing with depression and i can feel my mind slipping. tat reality sensor is steadily slowly down and fading. I think that once i get my college card figured out everything should be fine. but until then I have much that I am trying to deal with. my perception of eve currently rests in the barely give a shit zone.
still cant sleep
continueing and not continueing. I think I am jujst got to free write....
feelo the ebb and flow of livfe the burning of my hnads my heart and mysoul. tormented by myself I continue through the fire i create. insanity binds me where time cannot heal me. life most go on though my head rages on
all things considered things should be ok and they are no t my mind runs parrellel to my own desire and vision,. thoughts thatt shouldnt be hold my attention longer than they should. feeling soft skin in phatom waves. breasts lifted above the ocean of despair. hearts lifting where otherwise they woyuld drown. my mind trys to grasp at things it knows is untrue. love hatred affection lies denial these are my things. i am their toy why wont they leave me alone. why cant i see the truth through the fog. can some one pull me out of this dream. why cant my hand reach my hand and save myself. life begins with struggle and pain, life is pain. but life is joy. the glass is half full. but the voices in my mind, disagree. cut me into peices let e fall yet this has already occured and i knew not at all. the empty sheel of my heart screams for mass. i strech my energy towards another only to be either denied or to suck them in and thus down i go into the dark wonderland. to sleep with the realization that i am not alone, why does this comfort me
why do i want it so
i need that body of flesh near me i want to wrap around it mind and body my soul is hungry for forgiveness and salvation. yet these are things I know I allone can give to myself no one else can fix them but yet still i hunger for that which will not fix. addiction stracch my wrists, pulling me back to habits old. nothing is the same when the glass fractured and cracked, the tint changes with the emotion that sems dominant. why do i flux? did i stop maintinaing control? i believe so, doig so wel i forgot to watch my views to rotate the die early to stop the snowball from being an ice boulder move i say move i scream to myself move forward and up ward stop this insanity keep it from blocking my life so myuch to do so many dreams so many things i have time no need to hurry but going back wards is not efficient and thus should not occcur my brain becomes anylitical as the pain syubsies but only for a momment as i remeber my desires and i want I want,. porn porn porn is his name the monkey jumbs up and down growing bigger and bigger the more i feed it,. yet it stall
and stall
nd stall only for me to wake up in the caveof my making. the ligtht hiden from my eyes. looking putside upon the face of the sun i am burned
scared
and utterly afraid
the light is newuntrustworthy nothing works here the way i though
pain
i know pain
hope
joy
happiness
is nothing but tools to my enemies
and yetthese same things are weapons against myself
so bring on the light
create the joy
where it is normally hidden
can someone help me>
'is it ok to ask?
I know no t
i fear asking for assistance when i know that others need it as well
why
why
why
everything is so confusing
love
hatred
and indifference
i feel these things all in their time
one first
then the other
only to branch of to the next before starting again
not time limit
only differnce in accerlation
and depth
the holes they possses
brains lead me to darkness and or rage
love
leads only to darkness
which turns to rage
yet
i contradict myself
where I know not
i feel the sense of wrong
of distortion
where doe si t lie
I care no0t
Find my pain
and find my joy
defeat my pain
as i do so i earn more rewards
the building blocks of my life fall
to be replaced with proper brick
and metal beams
slow
slow they fall
guns blads
and fire
these things
why do they perisist
why do i hate myself so?
i am weak
maybe that is why.. all my life i hav4e been no one
for someone stands and makes decision i have made very few
and all that I have made i question
doing is better than not doing
yet through all this progress i still feel pain
blade be still my chest desrerves not your edge
i control my pain
where this leads i know not.
fear not my blades my gunds and my fire are not reality
but that is what makes them worse
for they are in my mind
and used by my mind against ME
WHAY
i lok in the mirror and feel failure
I have succeded in my endeavors
I know......
two days missed are a failyure
but i passed the test
i did not fail
YET
arguments
suck
pain and strige
strife
pain and strife
pain and strife
finally sleep descends
wish me the night
and maybe i will grant myself the stars
feelo the ebb and flow of livfe the burning of my hnads my heart and mysoul. tormented by myself I continue through the fire i create. insanity binds me where time cannot heal me. life most go on though my head rages on
all things considered things should be ok and they are no t my mind runs parrellel to my own desire and vision,. thoughts thatt shouldnt be hold my attention longer than they should. feeling soft skin in phatom waves. breasts lifted above the ocean of despair. hearts lifting where otherwise they woyuld drown. my mind trys to grasp at things it knows is untrue. love hatred affection lies denial these are my things. i am their toy why wont they leave me alone. why cant i see the truth through the fog. can some one pull me out of this dream. why cant my hand reach my hand and save myself. life begins with struggle and pain, life is pain. but life is joy. the glass is half full. but the voices in my mind, disagree. cut me into peices let e fall yet this has already occured and i knew not at all. the empty sheel of my heart screams for mass. i strech my energy towards another only to be either denied or to suck them in and thus down i go into the dark wonderland. to sleep with the realization that i am not alone, why does this comfort me
why do i want it so
i need that body of flesh near me i want to wrap around it mind and body my soul is hungry for forgiveness and salvation. yet these are things I know I allone can give to myself no one else can fix them but yet still i hunger for that which will not fix. addiction stracch my wrists, pulling me back to habits old. nothing is the same when the glass fractured and cracked, the tint changes with the emotion that sems dominant. why do i flux? did i stop maintinaing control? i believe so, doig so wel i forgot to watch my views to rotate the die early to stop the snowball from being an ice boulder move i say move i scream to myself move forward and up ward stop this insanity keep it from blocking my life so myuch to do so many dreams so many things i have time no need to hurry but going back wards is not efficient and thus should not occcur my brain becomes anylitical as the pain syubsies but only for a momment as i remeber my desires and i want I want,. porn porn porn is his name the monkey jumbs up and down growing bigger and bigger the more i feed it,. yet it stall
and stall
nd stall only for me to wake up in the caveof my making. the ligtht hiden from my eyes. looking putside upon the face of the sun i am burned
scared
and utterly afraid
the light is newuntrustworthy nothing works here the way i though
pain
i know pain
hope
joy
happiness
is nothing but tools to my enemies
and yetthese same things are weapons against myself
so bring on the light
create the joy
where it is normally hidden
can someone help me>
'is it ok to ask?
I know no t
i fear asking for assistance when i know that others need it as well
why
why
why
everything is so confusing
love
hatred
and indifference
i feel these things all in their time
one first
then the other
only to branch of to the next before starting again
not time limit
only differnce in accerlation
and depth
the holes they possses
brains lead me to darkness and or rage
love
leads only to darkness
which turns to rage
yet
i contradict myself
where I know not
i feel the sense of wrong
of distortion
where doe si t lie
I care no0t
Find my pain
and find my joy
defeat my pain
as i do so i earn more rewards
the building blocks of my life fall
to be replaced with proper brick
and metal beams
slow
slow they fall
guns blads
and fire
these things
why do they perisist
why do i hate myself so?
i am weak
maybe that is why.. all my life i hav4e been no one
for someone stands and makes decision i have made very few
and all that I have made i question
doing is better than not doing
yet through all this progress i still feel pain
blade be still my chest desrerves not your edge
i control my pain
where this leads i know not.
fear not my blades my gunds and my fire are not reality
but that is what makes them worse
for they are in my mind
and used by my mind against ME
WHAY
i lok in the mirror and feel failure
I have succeded in my endeavors
I know......
two days missed are a failyure
but i passed the test
i did not fail
YET
arguments
suck
pain and strige
strife
pain and strife
pain and strife
finally sleep descends
wish me the night
and maybe i will grant myself the stars
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
the darkness finally begins its descent. depression hits as of now. so, why does it hit? Because ididnt allow myself to blow up on those that have been there for me through all my issues. DAMNED IF I FUCKING DO DAMNED IF I FUCKING DONT. so what to do now? I have no fucking idea. should I ask Eve for assistance? Do I trust my state of mind to do so....? Maybe...but how does one go about asking for help in such a predictament? When i was married I would say that i dont feel well and bingo i would start down the path of help. but im not maried. i dont know what the fuck to say because you know what I typically dont feel well every fucking day to some extent. so me saying "oh i dont feel so great" doesnt work real well. sure, I may understate things when i say I dont feel so great, but i dont like coming out and saying: my mind and body are at war, im struggleing to keep myself from trying to pull myself to peiices. hmm maybe i should tell her that. I dont know what is the fucking point of it all my moods change when the fucking want and I am so tired of it. i got college, I got dreams, i got hopes. i dont want to be dragged down by my insanity. to be continued.
these are a few sketchs I have done lately:
my bio notes in sketch form
more sketch notes for bio
the grave, and resurection of Dark Rose
a sketch of my roomate Eve
A much cooler sketch of me drawing my roomate Eve
a blog entry in sketch form, I was going nuts, the drawing of the hand is actually how my hand felt at the time, so in other words it was a drawing of my hand in a manic/depressed state.
I rather like spiders yet this is the first time i have ever actually drawn one for fun i think I did a decent job of it myself :P
an entry diplaced by time....
this is an entry I made when my net was down it occurs somewhere between the last post and the post before that, I am sorry i can not give an official date as doing this entry i was not in any sort of balance. But it does give an example of how my perspectives can change so easily when enraged.
if I actually did post this at some point, Please forgive the double post.
i am so pissed right now, eve and adam just had a fight. adam was looking for something important and eve was being blamed for it being lost. Odds are it wasnt her fault, but still i find that her not helping was just like the time she wouldnt help me find something. i am just so pised i dont know what to do. according to the things i have learned in the recent weeks, iu should be trying to find some way to deal with it, but i cant think of anything other than typing this out. I am frustrated not just at eve and adam. but more so with my slef. recently i found an friend that i think i manipulated into haveing a sexual experince with. looking back on it now, i realize that what i had done i had done in a the wrong frame of mind and now i regret it. whats interesting to me is the fact that I thought somewhere in my brain that it was needed
that the experience was needed for some reason. and the more i think about it. the more i believe that maybe i was right. because now i understand that i really should be single. and that I dont need anyone. that I need to grow a pair of balls. i have the power to deal with my problems. I have the ability to be happy. Without anyone else. The only problem with this realization is that I know that it is tempary. i need to leave a lasting mark in my lfe so that when my beliefs begin to shift like they tend to do, i will be able to look upon that, and see where my shifted beliefs are wrong. the last time i came to this concluion i believed that i had to leave a scar on my life, something bad to remind me. this time however, somewhere inside i believe i can mitigate damges caused, and leave a more positive thought process behind. maybe i have already been scarred. maybe that is why i believe that something more positive and permenant can be left behind. i dont know yet what it is. but i feel the pieces in my mind shifting into place here and there, hopefully i will find it before i lose sight or am distracted from them.
my mind still is reeling from my internal rage. I am still furious at my lack of ability to do that which I feel i should do. my lack of understanding as to wha tto do now. This last week, i felt myself slipping, i know not for the exact reason why, but i know longer like getting up in the morning as much as i did. i find myself wishing more and more to got to bed and stay. to ignore the world and tell it to FUCK off. with my newfound lack ofdesire for a girlfriend or anything else of the nature in effect, i find myself blind as to my next set of long term goals. I do have a strange detail that i find rather interesting. I begining to think that you know what I am not that bad looking of a guy. and maybe i am not such a bad catch after all. and with that comes the realization that I can do better. the struggle is how do i hold off the flood that is coming. that i feel on the back of brain. this flood this seems more and more like a black hole of failure, depression, llack of motivation, and all around self destruction. I fear that all that i have worked on is about to crumble. the months of depression that may arise before i can get back into the cgear of life i feel I need to be in is going to destroy everything. I know this, bexcause it has happend again and agian. i also fear that this feeling comes from my fear of abandonment. something rather stupid, but to not admit the possibility would be to welcome the self destruction. I suspect that my counseler's decision to move me to two weeks instead of one, has caused me to lose confidence. this lack of confidence may be the crack in my walls. the crack that is allowing the pieces to fall out of place. Hoever i will not try to change things. I belive that i can handle myself without having the helpful anaylsis from my counsler once a week. like i said earlier, i just need to grow some balls.
if I actually did post this at some point, Please forgive the double post.
i am so pissed right now, eve and adam just had a fight. adam was looking for something important and eve was being blamed for it being lost. Odds are it wasnt her fault, but still i find that her not helping was just like the time she wouldnt help me find something. i am just so pised i dont know what to do. according to the things i have learned in the recent weeks, iu should be trying to find some way to deal with it, but i cant think of anything other than typing this out. I am frustrated not just at eve and adam. but more so with my slef. recently i found an friend that i think i manipulated into haveing a sexual experince with. looking back on it now, i realize that what i had done i had done in a the wrong frame of mind and now i regret it. whats interesting to me is the fact that I thought somewhere in my brain that it was needed
that the experience was needed for some reason. and the more i think about it. the more i believe that maybe i was right. because now i understand that i really should be single. and that I dont need anyone. that I need to grow a pair of balls. i have the power to deal with my problems. I have the ability to be happy. Without anyone else. The only problem with this realization is that I know that it is tempary. i need to leave a lasting mark in my lfe so that when my beliefs begin to shift like they tend to do, i will be able to look upon that, and see where my shifted beliefs are wrong. the last time i came to this concluion i believed that i had to leave a scar on my life, something bad to remind me. this time however, somewhere inside i believe i can mitigate damges caused, and leave a more positive thought process behind. maybe i have already been scarred. maybe that is why i believe that something more positive and permenant can be left behind. i dont know yet what it is. but i feel the pieces in my mind shifting into place here and there, hopefully i will find it before i lose sight or am distracted from them.
my mind still is reeling from my internal rage. I am still furious at my lack of ability to do that which I feel i should do. my lack of understanding as to wha tto do now. This last week, i felt myself slipping, i know not for the exact reason why, but i know longer like getting up in the morning as much as i did. i find myself wishing more and more to got to bed and stay. to ignore the world and tell it to FUCK off. with my newfound lack ofdesire for a girlfriend or anything else of the nature in effect, i find myself blind as to my next set of long term goals. I do have a strange detail that i find rather interesting. I begining to think that you know what I am not that bad looking of a guy. and maybe i am not such a bad catch after all. and with that comes the realization that I can do better. the struggle is how do i hold off the flood that is coming. that i feel on the back of brain. this flood this seems more and more like a black hole of failure, depression, llack of motivation, and all around self destruction. I fear that all that i have worked on is about to crumble. the months of depression that may arise before i can get back into the cgear of life i feel I need to be in is going to destroy everything. I know this, bexcause it has happend again and agian. i also fear that this feeling comes from my fear of abandonment. something rather stupid, but to not admit the possibility would be to welcome the self destruction. I suspect that my counseler's decision to move me to two weeks instead of one, has caused me to lose confidence. this lack of confidence may be the crack in my walls. the crack that is allowing the pieces to fall out of place. Hoever i will not try to change things. I belive that i can handle myself without having the helpful anaylsis from my counsler once a week. like i said earlier, i just need to grow some balls.
A good day in purgatory...
hey long time no post lots of things have happend all good too.
i have ceased ll contact witha the girls as i feel that my relationship with them has been more of me using them than anything else since i dont really find them that fun to hang around (more of an annoyance really). i also made contact with an od, sort of dated her, then broke up with her. I actually had to ask for some help in doing so from my roomate. in the process of doing so my perspective on relationships has changed for the better. i realize now that I am not REALLY into bigger women so much as i fel they are easy. Due to this i relize that my ideas of sexual appeal are actually influenced greatly by my issues. Thus I have decided to cease all ideas of being in any relationship until i can learn EXACTLY what i want in a woman. my screen saver on my computer consists of women (and military tanks lol) that others would find attractive. i started this screen saver a while ago. I have noticed that over the last few weeks with this screensaver in effect, my personal tastes have evolved and grown to be what i feel to be more healthy. in other words the women i have picked on my screen saver (j-lo, jennifer aniston, and so on) Seem to be moore and more attractive to me. i wonder if this is a direct side effect of my mental status. either way I am not entirely sure. I do find it rather interesting that I know what others would find attractive, due to this I am begining to suspect that my knowledge of popular beauty is not actually coming from where i thought it did I think it actually stems from my own repressed sexual desire. any way moving on...
since i last spoke I was out of lamictal for two days. During this period, I realized just how much the small amount of the stuff i have been taking, has been affecting me. it has been a few days since i started it back up again. Since i started back up my mind has once again come into a sort of weak balance. Even though the balance is weak, I have noticed that as long as I follow through with certain patterns, I am able to strengthen it into a status I able to maintain to a certain degree. This status is hard to maintain, but even so it is by far a lot better than that of what I have dealt with in the past.
In the last three days, my roomate Adam, has become manic and back again. while he went manic I noticed a few similiarities between me and him. I also sadly noticed differences I did not like to find. Even though Adam has be medicated and in counseling longer than I have, it seems that when he blows his top in the same sort of manner i typically due about once a month, he is able to restrain himself less than I. I find this disconcerting as I have to look up to him in many aspects. I also realize that my usual motto when it comes to anything I struggle to accomplish applies to him also. The motto goes something like this "Rome was not built in a day" in other words, with any difficult goal there will be times when mistakes are made and you fall down. the point of this is to never give up and to not let your failures drag you down. at the same time I find it aggravating that I feel as though I am beginning to bridge the gap between my mental instability and Adam's.
Since my last post I have learned that much of my instability lies in the fact that I rely so heavily on my emotions to gauge the world around me. since I have learned this, I have been working on building a sort of mental filter to translate things that I feel are happening around me to what REALLY is happening around me. The developement of said filter is slow and difficult, but steady. I hope that eventually I will no longer need the help of my roomates to see reality for what it is. It is hard to gauge what I need from what I want, but every day I do things I normally dont want to do. The interesting fact is that once I typically begin something I dont want to do (like take out the dogs) I start to feel a satisfaction in doing it. I have even begun to do things that I feel I need to without my roomates asking me to do so.
I do find it annoying that I still lack the motivation to do most things unless I get some help from an outside source. I feel this is due to a lack of self esteem. As the more I try differnt things to make myself feel better as a person, the more I am able to do without quite so much internal struggle.
on a side note, my feelings towards my roomate Eve continue to serve as a source of measurement as to where I stand on my personal scale of extreme emotions. I was able to determine that i was becoming manic due to the fact that the day before I was massivly appreciating her assistance with my last girlfriend. but then suddenly I just wanted to strike out against someone and she happend to be around. After all that she has done for me, even though I could not feel that appreciation towards her at the time, i remebered feeling it. using that memory i was able to hold on to enough reality that I am hoping I was able to stem the flow of the psychotic rage i had felt. i am no longer naive enough to believe that I can stop my psychotic rage due to a few events that happend a few weeks ago (I ended up in the hospital when i was unable to direct that rage at something)
thus i am now trying to find a way to either trigger it or let out what ever needs to be let out before hand. the reason way I said let out what ever needs to be let out before hand has nothing really to do with irritation, as I feel that this psychotic rage is actually my depression. I struggle to allow myself the ability to deal with my sadness that occurs every now and then. so since I wont deal with my depression normally, I turn it to anger. I currently feel this is stupid and idiotic. my reason for doing these actions make no real sense and thus i am trying to fid a way around my barriers of denial. i am hoping that maybe once I figure this out, I might be able to tell Adam how to do the same. Considering Eve not that long ago was feeling like she and Adam were in the perfect place to begin to seriously try to start a family. but since the occurence of Adam's last blow up, she only feels hurt as her hopes were dashed. Thus in my opinion as long as things continue the way they are going, all Adam needs to do is long to deal with HIS rage differntly and both Adam and Eve will be ready for the next stage in their lives, and much happier for it. Why do i want to figure this skill out for Adam? because I am currently in a state of mind that I can realize that they have done much for me and maybe this make them as hapy as I have been becoming. This has ben another entry about the quest from hell to the heaven of mental stability.
i have ceased ll contact witha the girls as i feel that my relationship with them has been more of me using them than anything else since i dont really find them that fun to hang around (more of an annoyance really). i also made contact with an od, sort of dated her, then broke up with her. I actually had to ask for some help in doing so from my roomate. in the process of doing so my perspective on relationships has changed for the better. i realize now that I am not REALLY into bigger women so much as i fel they are easy. Due to this i relize that my ideas of sexual appeal are actually influenced greatly by my issues. Thus I have decided to cease all ideas of being in any relationship until i can learn EXACTLY what i want in a woman. my screen saver on my computer consists of women (and military tanks lol) that others would find attractive. i started this screen saver a while ago. I have noticed that over the last few weeks with this screensaver in effect, my personal tastes have evolved and grown to be what i feel to be more healthy. in other words the women i have picked on my screen saver (j-lo, jennifer aniston, and so on) Seem to be moore and more attractive to me. i wonder if this is a direct side effect of my mental status. either way I am not entirely sure. I do find it rather interesting that I know what others would find attractive, due to this I am begining to suspect that my knowledge of popular beauty is not actually coming from where i thought it did I think it actually stems from my own repressed sexual desire. any way moving on...
since i last spoke I was out of lamictal for two days. During this period, I realized just how much the small amount of the stuff i have been taking, has been affecting me. it has been a few days since i started it back up again. Since i started back up my mind has once again come into a sort of weak balance. Even though the balance is weak, I have noticed that as long as I follow through with certain patterns, I am able to strengthen it into a status I able to maintain to a certain degree. This status is hard to maintain, but even so it is by far a lot better than that of what I have dealt with in the past.
In the last three days, my roomate Adam, has become manic and back again. while he went manic I noticed a few similiarities between me and him. I also sadly noticed differences I did not like to find. Even though Adam has be medicated and in counseling longer than I have, it seems that when he blows his top in the same sort of manner i typically due about once a month, he is able to restrain himself less than I. I find this disconcerting as I have to look up to him in many aspects. I also realize that my usual motto when it comes to anything I struggle to accomplish applies to him also. The motto goes something like this "Rome was not built in a day" in other words, with any difficult goal there will be times when mistakes are made and you fall down. the point of this is to never give up and to not let your failures drag you down. at the same time I find it aggravating that I feel as though I am beginning to bridge the gap between my mental instability and Adam's.
Since my last post I have learned that much of my instability lies in the fact that I rely so heavily on my emotions to gauge the world around me. since I have learned this, I have been working on building a sort of mental filter to translate things that I feel are happening around me to what REALLY is happening around me. The developement of said filter is slow and difficult, but steady. I hope that eventually I will no longer need the help of my roomates to see reality for what it is. It is hard to gauge what I need from what I want, but every day I do things I normally dont want to do. The interesting fact is that once I typically begin something I dont want to do (like take out the dogs) I start to feel a satisfaction in doing it. I have even begun to do things that I feel I need to without my roomates asking me to do so.
I do find it annoying that I still lack the motivation to do most things unless I get some help from an outside source. I feel this is due to a lack of self esteem. As the more I try differnt things to make myself feel better as a person, the more I am able to do without quite so much internal struggle.
on a side note, my feelings towards my roomate Eve continue to serve as a source of measurement as to where I stand on my personal scale of extreme emotions. I was able to determine that i was becoming manic due to the fact that the day before I was massivly appreciating her assistance with my last girlfriend. but then suddenly I just wanted to strike out against someone and she happend to be around. After all that she has done for me, even though I could not feel that appreciation towards her at the time, i remebered feeling it. using that memory i was able to hold on to enough reality that I am hoping I was able to stem the flow of the psychotic rage i had felt. i am no longer naive enough to believe that I can stop my psychotic rage due to a few events that happend a few weeks ago (I ended up in the hospital when i was unable to direct that rage at something)
thus i am now trying to find a way to either trigger it or let out what ever needs to be let out before hand. the reason way I said let out what ever needs to be let out before hand has nothing really to do with irritation, as I feel that this psychotic rage is actually my depression. I struggle to allow myself the ability to deal with my sadness that occurs every now and then. so since I wont deal with my depression normally, I turn it to anger. I currently feel this is stupid and idiotic. my reason for doing these actions make no real sense and thus i am trying to fid a way around my barriers of denial. i am hoping that maybe once I figure this out, I might be able to tell Adam how to do the same. Considering Eve not that long ago was feeling like she and Adam were in the perfect place to begin to seriously try to start a family. but since the occurence of Adam's last blow up, she only feels hurt as her hopes were dashed. Thus in my opinion as long as things continue the way they are going, all Adam needs to do is long to deal with HIS rage differntly and both Adam and Eve will be ready for the next stage in their lives, and much happier for it. Why do i want to figure this skill out for Adam? because I am currently in a state of mind that I can realize that they have done much for me and maybe this make them as hapy as I have been becoming. This has ben another entry about the quest from hell to the heaven of mental stability.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
do you really want to have a title?ok how about : DARK DAY
i am so depressed.... i tired imim everything i wasnt to cry. I dont know why, and I dont really care. Im just tired. why do i have to geal with this i know that god has a plan and that i am supposed to deal with this, but to be honest I hope the plan is big, cause otherwise . . . I dont know but this sucks. mood swings that are so powerful i land in the hospital but not for a mental reason but because i think I sent mys4elf into a heart attack....OH JOY!. good news. i am cuting ties with all potential temptation whe it comes to bad women. still... questions should be answered.... WHY would anyone with out issues hang out with me. i haave no job, i serve no purpose. I dont understand my whole world makes no sense. I aso tired of this I so so so tired of this. even on here i mope and i ramble no one gives a shit i would love a comment even if it was some asshole doing it. at least someone cared to leave a mark. i doknt know. eright now I want to find a woman to fall into her arms and ball, but i cant do that that just makes me worse. But maybe i could try to divert my depression by checking out some freaky porn. but no i think that makes me worse too. and so i am left with "dealing" which doesnt not allieviate anything. ... (tiny letters) yay......(regular letters) if i was with my counseler right now, i would describe the random ideas that go through my head. death by literally carving out my heart so maybe it would stop hurting, fiding a hot rod to pierce through my arm. cutting of my hand and cooking it. I mean this is real fun shit to have in your head! REAL FUCKING FUN NOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!! i just want to lay in down on a lap and be told everythings going to be ok, by soeone I could belive it from.................... sadly i cant think of anyone that i could believe it from, other than Eve. who i hapen to have wanted to kill earlier today. god why? WHY WHY WHY WHYYY! a car, a meteor. a muging, don't care but end it! fuck this i am going to go and try to get some sleep.............
darkness lies in the deep
fail goals swim like sharks below
your boat lanced with holes of doubt
still you paddle on through the fog
north, east, south west,
each direction its on prize
but only one gives life
raising your hand you wipe away the rain
only to be blinded again and again by the water unfallen
light flashes through the fog
twinkling like fallen dreams
showing the way for just a momment
before vanishing thanks to misjudged betrayal
leaving the only light steady
the burning blaze from within
as it flares so does the steam from the water
as it dies down so does memories gold go
yes, now you understand.
in this fog where you cannot see
you might begin to feel what it is like to be....
Me
gnight
darkness lies in the deep
fail goals swim like sharks below
your boat lanced with holes of doubt
still you paddle on through the fog
north, east, south west,
each direction its on prize
but only one gives life
raising your hand you wipe away the rain
only to be blinded again and again by the water unfallen
light flashes through the fog
twinkling like fallen dreams
showing the way for just a momment
before vanishing thanks to misjudged betrayal
leaving the only light steady
the burning blaze from within
as it flares so does the steam from the water
as it dies down so does memories gold go
yes, now you understand.
in this fog where you cannot see
you might begin to feel what it is like to be....
Me
gnight
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