nothing overtly unusual accurred today. However on the mental side things are getting weird again. my current view of Eve is swaying towards that lovy dovy crap again. and with it a lot of uncomfortable stuffs. I still find her annoying but as the day has progressed that annoyance has receeeded more and more into the background. and my other feelings are coming out more and more. its getting to the point where its uncomfortable to be around her. on top of all this i am finding that my usual ability to spell words has been steadily and slowly going down hill. so far i have seemed to have forgotten three words. I ofcourse rember them now. well all but one. acurrence (which i still dont think i am spelling right and you will notice i discovered i couldnt spell this one during this blog) warp (i spelled it worp) and Playmat (HA I did remember! Although i think I am still spelling it wrong.) Dont get me wrong I make spelling errors all the time when I type but those are Typos, not really me forgetting how to spell something. it has me mildly concerned. on a good note i just finished an awesome drawing of Eve. i am still trying to work out a decent gift to give her for her birthday. but at the same time i ask myself why i am working so hard... and my reasons why kind of becoe suspect. the most logical reason is cause i want to do something artistic and i have in mind to do something for her. its a challenge to me. To make something she would like but would not be able to critique easily (see I knew how to spell that! :) however... i do suspect that part of the reason I am working so hard is because I do have REAL feelings for her. At the same time I am not too concerned, as I am sure i will be able to control them, and I know that one day i will find for myself a woman that I can love freely. If I do have feelings for the woman it is probably simply because of my habits. In the past anyone who shows me compassion and affection that happens to be female I seem to develope feelings for.
Thanks to my current state, i fel my usual routines being attacked, but this time i feel a certain amount of control as yes, I am no longer doing as much as I used to do, but no i am not stopping anything. so i still continue to try to bryush my teeth and take showers and the like, i even try to take the dogs out. But each of these tasks have become increasingly difficult, but not impossible. with this realization coupled with the drastic depression i felt recently i realize that i have been through this same type of thing before and it usually brings me to my knees. It usually has caused me to completly stop living, which when i come out of such state I have to start pover all the work i did before to improve myself. as i think on these things i realize I am coming a long way. i also try to rember not to let my gaurd down. I am still in my depressive state, i am just starting to come out of it, i dont need to uck up or rather give up at any point now.
I nhave noticed that the pain i feel when i am in extreme emotions, has faded since i have learned the phrase " i dont deserve pain" the phrase means much to me, as it means I am a good person but it also means i am not a super person, i can make mistakes. its like shit happens but phrased ina more personal way.
i almost forgot last time i talked to my counsler i was supposed to try at least two things. too keep track of my distorted reality (thus the whole stating the way i feel towards eve thing) and to try to figure out why i smoke. i still dont fully know. My current suspiscions is it is a method of dealing with many things . when i get anxious I pay attention to how the smoke feels going in and out of my throat (not my lungs) the more i focus on that, the more i calm down even if it is for a lil while. i believe this a modified version of a baby sucking on a pacifer, as the part of my throat that I focus on seems to be about where a pacifer would hit inside a baby's throat. Another reason for it is it is an excuse to go by myself when i really want to. An example is when my room mate Eve seems (I say seems on purpose here) to want me to pend time with her and i feel a need to go downstairs into my area. I say I am going for a smoke and then I use the cigerette as a timer for how long I stay down there. I also use a ciggerette to help me wake up in the morning, that is the one smoke i can never seem to get rid of. its like the whole " ok I have had my smoke I can have the day now". the last time that i can rember that I seem to have a smoke, i dont actually wnt a smoke, what i really want is to go through he kitchen and eat everything. I sometimes get this hunger that never goes away, no matter how much I feed it, I still feel like I am literally starving. I have stuffed myself on many occasions such as this, and ended up sick, and physically hurt from stuffing too much food into my system. I can tell you that I have found that this means of consumtion does horrible things to my digestive track, as i usually end up having diarreha (i think i spelled that right) for two to three days afterward. As soon as i realize the hunger i am feeling is not Real hunger, i try to get my self a smoke as soon as possible. wonce I have a ciggerette at these times, i swear its almost immeadiate the effect. the hunger disapears alost entirely. it goes from driving me mad to "eh the idea of food and how it tastes sounds awesome, the idea of eating said food is, well i could be doing (insert random thing i happen to be into at the time here)" anyway thats the best description i have for now.
as to a couple other things, i hope to eventually scan the new drawing as i plan on doing somestuff to it on the computer and then printing it off, or atleast scanning it to show off on here lol. tomorrow i have a doc a ppointment early in the morining I should probably try to get some rest. which brings me to my last reasonfor haveing a smoke, I also use it to transition from one mood of energy to another, in other words I need a smoke and sleep good night!
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