well today was ok....the biggest thing that is on my mind at this point is the fact that i can seem to rember anything. today several times certain events came to pass that didnt seem to actually occur. for example half way into the evening I totally forgot about the first section of the day. to start out with, I got up brushed my teeth washed my face and ran out the door eating some angelfood cake. Eve, Adam, and i headed outside the city for a doctor apointment. On the way home, we got mcdonalds. once home i had to stick around for a charter guy while eve took adam to work. when eve got back the maintance guys from the apartment complex came by and fixed a clog, THEN finally the charter guy showed up. after that everything is is kindf still fuzzy, we left to do errands and things. whats weird, is while we were running errands, i couldnt for the life of me rember any of this morning until I asked eve what we ate, when she said mcdonalds it all flooded back. this hapens to me a lot. i am wondering if i should moniter this, and se if it occurs when i am in some emotaional status or not. Either way i am still rather concerned. as for the rest of the day, the was a lot of runing around and so forth, but other than that everything seems to have returned to normally with my emotions and so on. I also found one other occurence when i want a smoke, when i am around others that do so also, i feel a compulsion to join in, its like a secret club card, Immeadiatly after lighting up conversations start. it becomes easeir for me to fit in.
after rembering this I also realized i seem to have a desire to cry or get emotional in a rather girly way (in my opinion). it not like a depresion like i have had before its just this i dont know.... I see something movingand I start to ball then stop. and i feel sad that i have to work so hard to fit in to this world, but at the same time i am feeling this challenge and i want to defeat it! it makes me wonder if maybe this therapy is helping more than i thought (again) and that the walls that i have had within me are breaking more and more, it makes me happy, almost free. part of my dedustion on this is due to the fact that i am realizing more and more i have this need to defeat something. i guess i spent many years of my life "defeating" vieo games. and now those same games i find are worthless, i have beaten every kind of game out there, there are no "new" challenges only new experiences with the new games that come out. As i have come to realize this, i am trying to ffind new ways to utiliza this drive.
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sorry if my thoughts are not as well put together this blog, i am struggling to put them in a coherent chain as is. but I have also notice this strange seperation of emotion from thought or action versus thinking. because i have just now officially realized that I have a drive to "fdefeat" something, and yet I have been unconsciously ustilizing this in new ways. i am strive to "defeat" my illness. I am striveing to "defeat" college. I am striving to "defeat" my memory loss issues. i am striving to "defeat" Eve's criticism by drawing her the "perfect" gift. i am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am POWERFUL! i am intelligent, i am handsome, i am able to do what others can do. I question wether I can do more, but I still think I can. I will eventually create something revolutionary, something that will leave a stamp on the pyramid of science or philosophy, or maybe even art (although i think that would be too freaking easy and not permenant. I once theroized that we all strive to achieve immortality in some way or another. but the main direction that people go is by leaving a memory, a ripple effect that will bounce off many others after they die. I wonder if this theory is actually more devised of my own thinking than that of anyone else's. Part of my way to deduct this (what i consider potentialy true) reality is by considering the theories that segmund freud came up with. i suspect as do many others from what I have heard over the years, that segmund was actually anaylzing himself. which makes sense to me, as when i study psycholgy, i am actually seeking answers about myself. Anyway it is getting late and i need to get up early tomorrow to assist Eve with the preparation of a yardsale. after i post this however i plan on immeadiatly posting two versions of the gift that I am working on, to see what others might think. one is hand drawn in pen, and the other is the unfinished scaned edit of the original pen work. i wish all good night and I hope truly others would remeber me better than I seem to rember them lol.
