I think i made a bad decision we will see tomorrow.....

Feeling better although i still am thinking moving out at the end of the lease is a good idea

Once again thinking of moving out tired of hanging with a chick i can never have

Massively borded at college have to wait for prof

Been feeling ok but i seem to be getting tired quicker than usual(due to lack of activity?)

Eating at heart-attak ville

Having an ok dayfeeling strong impulse to make something or something

Feeling depression again grrrrreeeeaaaaatttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly very tired and feel ill like someone kicked my kidney

finally a decent daya

after such a long period of time, I am have a decent day, its not perfect but its workable.  At least I am able to function.  after my appointment with the light house (counseler) i was drapped without being asked to eve's freinds house.  I was irritated but then I realized the good in going.  with my new homework being trying to figure out hwho I want as friends, i decided to try to figgure out what i liked or did not like about eve's friend.  she was a nice lady with two kids, i absolutly adored her 6 year old son.  we wrestled and all that.  i am still left with questions concerning the friend however, something about her rang alram bells.  difinitly not a person I would want to hang with regularly, every now and then to have a good time sure.  with this in mind I think that one of the things i would like in a friend is the ability to trust them, for them to be strong individuals on their own.  none of this mooch type thing. not to say eve;s friend was a mooch, but i do know that she is going through a hard time, and she neds a lot of help, people like that, i always feel sorry for and so i go out of my way even if its not good for my health to help them.  something i got REALLY tired of when concerning my ex wife and previous freinds. 
still dealing with lonliness, but I am managing it better today. i just wish there was some cure for it.  i dont think i will ever be rid of it.  simply because I am always most hapy when doing something romantic in some way for some one.  I could do it for friends and so on.  i have done that.  but the problem is that eventually I expect something in return, and when i dont get what I expect, its like have an angry blow out, but instead a lovey dovey type.  my whole world shatters, because as i expect and do things, i begin to see the world differntly than it is. its a slow progresson, which makes it even worse.
im currently doing a bunch of other things i will have to continue later.

Watching red riding hood, cleaned whole house for eve, dealing with odd urges

Note to self: eve's migrane accoured after week of high stress and being leaning

Homework: I like funny, i prefer not feeling inferior

Eve having anxiety and migrane, feeling multiude of emotions concerning

Just woke up cats bugging the hell out of me

Chilling with friend, gives me hope for my ability to handle kids, in fact i would love a lil me :)

Hanging with eve's friend, figureing out counseler's question...

Headind to appointment, running a lil behind hopefully will be on time lots to talk about

Still feeling bad but after talking to eve
started feeling like...im waking up???!?

good news bad news

the good news is i figured out how to post from my cell phone.  bad news is I can only post like one line at a time.  however it still handy to remind me of what happends.  so onto the real BAD news....

I am currently going througha  week of a strange obsession.  I found that physical contact makes my issues a lot more bearable.  however I sem to get FAR to attached in some way or another, due to this, I apparently developed a strange obsession.  One I am too embarassed about to mention here, I know I am going to kick it eventually, so once I do I will be sure to share it ( or not depending on its importance) otherwise i have had several other blows.  I am freaking out, I dont think its a good idea to brach out and ask anyone for help right now. I dont know what to do.  i seem to pedaling REALLY fast backwards. but yet its different.  this depression is killing me though.  I cant seem to get out of it, and when i do its only for short periods of time (Anywhere between fifteen minutes to fifteen hours).  I have got things screaming in my head.
i want love
i want affection
i want pain
I want fire
I want i want I need i need
FUDGE!
I dont think I am ever ever ever going to goet over this i am starting to think that i should settle for being alone...... just the way i am
is this how high i can go? i this my destiny to continually fight ME
why
my biggest desire is love
thats it
thats all
it has never changed
the only FUCKING thing i care about
is the potential for a real relationship
where i can be happy
and that same deisre is so powerful that it cant get what it wants

help
help
help
i never seem to ask for shit when i really need it
well
help

one problem....
what the frick is anyone going to do about this?
other than give me happy pills
i am screwed
I haven't gone to lclass
cause i cant stand being out there
alone
among other people
people that I dont want them to look at me like i am retarded
although that is how i act sometimes
and I think
to day is one of those days
why
seriously
why?
do i make bad choices
or am I graspoing to high?
what makes me jump too far
what makes me plumet like i am now?
WHAT
i dont want it anymore
i dant want to be me if this is me!





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind is battle field, confusion created by past stressor not properly asssesed??

Confusion cant seem to focus on much these days, cant seem to stop being lonely

Adam freaking out, im freaking out, eve in massive tine crunch, life is shit

Freaking out had to move bed because of state coming in to ch eck fire safety setx

lonliness..... its going to kill me one day i swear

Self destructive tendencies is quite evident in my obsessions

Begining to think living is really a good idea

Eating dinner La Zeez late gift from adam, depressing, arguments insue

Any time my birthday is mentioned i get massivly lonely

Still having problems getting up doctor appointment today almost (but diddnt) forgot to fast

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Testing to see if my phone is able to post to my diary of insanity... so dont mind this particular post if it worked.

life sucks again...

that black hole that i predicted would come eventually is here I believe i have no real desire for anything the only thing keeping me going at this point is willpower.  I am getting so tired of pushing.  the ideo of finding some form of peace including death is becoming more and more difficult to get out of my head.  it comes i fight it of, it comes again.  I am no longer sure that liveing with my room mates is a good idea.  but at the same time the prospect of liveing by myself is a scary and I beleive eventually a fatal one.  I am so lonely.  I dont trust the progress i have made because of this.  I feel that i am using he people around me to attach to them and become that symbiotic person i am when in a reltationship.  i currently wish that I was in some way possessing eve.  I wish she was mine and I was hers.  but i also know that I go through this crap everynow and then so i a not entirely sure my desires are based on true desire or screwed up fucked up habits.  GOD peace would be nice knowing that iwas going to be ok,m knowing that i didnt have to deal with this the ret of my life I wish for it so badly.  but I dont know what to do. i dont know what to DO.


the rabbit holes calls to me.  The rabit is what i call complete depression, unable to do anything it is a desire to stop to rest to stop caring to stop doing anything.  and it is so hard to stay out iof it.  already today i was dangerously close to falling into the black hole that is the rabbit hole.  Like alice i know that if i do I will reced into a land of many wonders but none of them are real.

the majority of these wonders however are dark and hold lil promise other than peace, and even the peace comes with a cost its more like dieing for a while, than actually doing anything good.  all it does is it puts me into a state of hibernation when it comes to my lifes progress. i even fall ALLLLL the way back to the begingin. but i am so

...tired...

been a while....

been still digesting the things that have happend since last time.  I still dont know what xactly to think of it all but hey thats my norm.  A few days ago i went through a bout of paranoia, i thought my roomates were going to yell at me...about something, all the time.  i feel better from that now.  some good news i got an upgrade to my meds yesterday, now i take 100 instead of 50 mg of lamictal.  which is nice.  tried to get the doc to help assist in getting my roomate hired to be my caretaker.. it didnt work out so well.  i am going to get the papers filled out next tuesday again.  This time by my family physician.  more to come later i nee to go sneeze!

what is asperger autism?

A friend told me today i might have aspergers autism or syndrome... he described it and it fits me pretty well.  i have sensitivity to a certain kind of high pitch noise.  i take things literally as to what people say.  i overreact to jokes and things or underreact.  I mean the stuff he said just kept matching..... I would love to know soon wether or not he is right cause if he is i might be able to get a more refined treatment going!


heres hoping i finally found what i have.

confusing day

I feel great... yet i feel no desire to be around others at all today.  Instead I have this ned to get stuff done.  I have a lot of art projects that i am exited about.  i am looking forward to completeing each one.  I am currently working on hristmas presents for both my brothers and my father.  i am also finishing the touches to my gift for Eve.  but what really has me excited is my gifts for the rest of the family on christmas.  i am actually hgoing to be sending them each a back story on a character i am basing on them.  with each snippet i am also leaving an internet address that will lead them to the continuation of their story.  as each character will actually play a part in a bigger story.
anyway... ever since i learned that Eve has been purposefully been ticking me off, i have been feeling a shift a slow change, in my veiws towards her and myself.  i am not a dangerous individual.. although i have faith that if things called for it i would be able to hold my own.  but yet i question that as well.  i dontk now know whats happening, but i do know a lot is happening behind the surface of my easily read conscious thoughts.  i think I am hiding something from myself that will be eventually revealed.  Since the last blow up my suspiscions of some seperate personality have been brought back to the surface and i think maybe thats part of what I am feeling.  I am divide and I am keeping myself occupied so this other side of me can use more of my brain than normal without me butting in.  but I dont know, I just dont know. 
a further update, i have concluded that for some reason i just am not ready to give up my smoking habits.  However i have noticed that I have a need to be by myself every now and then I fear however that this new found need and thus joy in filling it is causeing me some turbulance with my relation ship with Eve.  At the same time it kind of makes me suspect that my relationship with her is more of an unhealthy one to some extent.  i think I am filling some gap in her life that i shouldnt be.  Even if this is the case however, i dont think i shoul tell her or complain about it considering the fact that she seems to do so much to help me, its the least I guess i can do for her.  I have noticed that she doesnt have any other real friends that hang out with her.. which also leads me to believe that this is part of the reason she is friends with me.  the only question remains (I guess) is what is the single most important linking factor between her and all her other friends.  i presently believe that it is simply distance and her environment.  part of her environment that may be hindering her social network might be Adam, But I am not so sure. anyway.... GRRRRRRRrrr
I find that i am truly insane.  my perception of reality changes on a continous basis.  i am aware of these changes and i am learning to adjust. My fear is that I will never be normal.  I am also pretty sure that is a true statement.  no matter what meds i get on i am going to be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life.  But I am surprisingly willing to deal with this.  which that statement i find intrigueing due to the fact that I promised myself that if i ever found that there was no cure or that i could never be normal i would finish this game for good.  i think that i have realized that there are differnt ideas of normal.  Even if this one scares me i get the feeling everything is going to work out perfectly in the end.

very confusing
yes?

New and exciting yet equally frigtening...

learned some new shit today, I am still trying to process it all/.  My roomate Eve has been purposefully ticking me off for a while now. Why? so i have a few weeks of sanity or "normal" as she calls it.  Today she actually ticked me off on purpose causeing me to blow and most of the time through it i knew it.  I should have known it makes so much sense and i am kicking myself in the ass.  but it does make me wonder... I still get the feeling she gets a perverse sort of joy out of it, some form of control maybe I dont know.  i still will just chuck that up to delusional thinking simply because it doesnt either way at this point consider the end result is the same for now.  i am geting better.  during this last blow up however i finally figured out that i should not be so fafraid to blow up, I don't think i will ever hurt anyone i care about i dont have it in me. this make s me feel a lot better, and a lot more relaxed.  anyway, i also theorize that my smoking habits coming not from a need for cigerrets but more for a need to have some "me" time.  with this theory in my mind I plan on trying to create a positive replacement.  i also believe i might have some mouth obsession, with sucking something or whatever.  maybe sigmund was right.  anyway it doesnt matter for now.  I am very tired so i am heading this offf early at least i put more into it than last time.  i do have some good news.  after the blow out my issues do seem much more manageable.