New and exciting yet equally frigtening...

learned some new shit today, I am still trying to process it all/.  My roomate Eve has been purposefully ticking me off for a while now. Why? so i have a few weeks of sanity or "normal" as she calls it.  Today she actually ticked me off on purpose causeing me to blow and most of the time through it i knew it.  I should have known it makes so much sense and i am kicking myself in the ass.  but it does make me wonder... I still get the feeling she gets a perverse sort of joy out of it, some form of control maybe I dont know.  i still will just chuck that up to delusional thinking simply because it doesnt either way at this point consider the end result is the same for now.  i am geting better.  during this last blow up however i finally figured out that i should not be so fafraid to blow up, I don't think i will ever hurt anyone i care about i dont have it in me. this make s me feel a lot better, and a lot more relaxed.  anyway, i also theorize that my smoking habits coming not from a need for cigerrets but more for a need to have some "me" time.  with this theory in my mind I plan on trying to create a positive replacement.  i also believe i might have some mouth obsession, with sucking something or whatever.  maybe sigmund was right.  anyway it doesnt matter for now.  I am very tired so i am heading this offf early at least i put more into it than last time.  i do have some good news.  after the blow out my issues do seem much more manageable.