i feel like I am changin, I have been getting memories coming unbidden to the surface. They are from a year ago, when i was living on my own. going outside to enjoy a smoke while enjoying the sunrise. I continue to believe that many of my problems come from the change of seasons. anyway onward.
two days ago i had a massive bout of depression. I ended up curling into a ball with agony. when i feel intense emotions, i tend to actualy FEEL them. and with depression my chest felt like it was burning. my mind was filled with thoughts of lonliness and literal fire. i think the reason why is because i this girl i became friends with and been having some fun with, has not been satisfying me as much as i would like. I always thought that when i had strong feeling for my room mate Eve, that it was because i was depressed or something and just wanted anybody. However, now I am certain that is not quite the case. Which really sucks because she is married to my other room mate Adam. so, sadly there is no way i could be with her. on top of that what really adds to the frustration, is the fact that she used to like me more than friends. and Adam had no problem with that for some reason. the reason behind his reasoning always has been a subject of some confusion. but anyway while I was in the bout of depression all i wanted was to have eve hold me or touch in some way. nothing sexual either
(Perves :P) the only thing i could do was lie next to the couch she was sleeping in. That was two day ago.
I still struggle with my memory so all i can say at this point is that I am currently watching a romantic comedy anime, with the occasional fight scen on netflix called sekeira or something. fun stuff. more later.
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