that black hole that i predicted would come eventually is here I believe i have no real desire for anything the only thing keeping me going at this point is willpower. I am getting so tired of pushing. the ideo of finding some form of peace including death is becoming more and more difficult to get out of my head. it comes i fight it of, it comes again. I am no longer sure that liveing with my room mates is a good idea. but at the same time the prospect of liveing by myself is a scary and I beleive eventually a fatal one. I am so lonely. I dont trust the progress i have made because of this. I feel that i am using he people around me to attach to them and become that symbiotic person i am when in a reltationship. i currently wish that I was in some way possessing eve. I wish she was mine and I was hers. but i also know that I go through this crap everynow and then so i a not entirely sure my desires are based on true desire or screwed up fucked up habits. GOD peace would be nice knowing that iwas going to be ok,m knowing that i didnt have to deal with this the ret of my life I wish for it so badly. but I dont know what to do. i dont know what to DO.
the rabbit holes calls to me. The rabit is what i call complete depression, unable to do anything it is a desire to stop to rest to stop caring to stop doing anything. and it is so hard to stay out iof it. already today i was dangerously close to falling into the black hole that is the rabbit hole. Like alice i know that if i do I will reced into a land of many wonders but none of them are real.
the majority of these wonders however are dark and hold lil promise other than peace, and even the peace comes with a cost its more like dieing for a while, than actually doing anything good. all it does is it puts me into a state of hibernation when it comes to my lifes progress. i even fall ALLLLL the way back to the begingin. but i am so
...tired...
