I feel great... yet i feel no desire to be around others at all today. Instead I have this ned to get stuff done. I have a lot of art projects that i am exited about. i am looking forward to completeing each one. I am currently working on hristmas presents for both my brothers and my father. i am also finishing the touches to my gift for Eve. but what really has me excited is my gifts for the rest of the family on christmas. i am actually hgoing to be sending them each a back story on a character i am basing on them. with each snippet i am also leaving an internet address that will lead them to the continuation of their story. as each character will actually play a part in a bigger story.
anyway... ever since i learned that Eve has been purposefully been ticking me off, i have been feeling a shift a slow change, in my veiws towards her and myself. i am not a dangerous individual.. although i have faith that if things called for it i would be able to hold my own. but yet i question that as well. i dontk now know whats happening, but i do know a lot is happening behind the surface of my easily read conscious thoughts. i think I am hiding something from myself that will be eventually revealed. Since the last blow up my suspiscions of some seperate personality have been brought back to the surface and i think maybe thats part of what I am feeling. I am divide and I am keeping myself occupied so this other side of me can use more of my brain than normal without me butting in. but I dont know, I just dont know.
a further update, i have concluded that for some reason i just am not ready to give up my smoking habits. However i have noticed that I have a need to be by myself every now and then I fear however that this new found need and thus joy in filling it is causeing me some turbulance with my relation ship with Eve. At the same time it kind of makes me suspect that my relationship with her is more of an unhealthy one to some extent. i think I am filling some gap in her life that i shouldnt be. Even if this is the case however, i dont think i shoul tell her or complain about it considering the fact that she seems to do so much to help me, its the least I guess i can do for her. I have noticed that she doesnt have any other real friends that hang out with her.. which also leads me to believe that this is part of the reason she is friends with me. the only question remains (I guess) is what is the single most important linking factor between her and all her other friends. i presently believe that it is simply distance and her environment. part of her environment that may be hindering her social network might be Adam, But I am not so sure. anyway.... GRRRRRRRrrr
I find that i am truly insane. my perception of reality changes on a continous basis. i am aware of these changes and i am learning to adjust. My fear is that I will never be normal. I am also pretty sure that is a true statement. no matter what meds i get on i am going to be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. But I am surprisingly willing to deal with this. which that statement i find intrigueing due to the fact that I promised myself that if i ever found that there was no cure or that i could never be normal i would finish this game for good. i think that i have realized that there are differnt ideas of normal. Even if this one scares me i get the feeling everything is going to work out perfectly in the end.
very confusing
yes?
