moved in with kat. life is difficult. found out that my room mates are tottally unappreciative. oh yeah life is good. I dont really know what more to say. my brain has been functioning a lot better now. I found a lot of things irritating with my life but at least i dont have to deal with my anxiety as myuch anymore. I dont have too many shifts in my personality lately.
so i guess all is pretty decent..........
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
finally I can see the light
after month of chaos my mind is finally getting under control. I have been making music, going nonstop, and otherwise just getting stuff done. i still struggle with getting some things done but for the majority of the time I am doing a thousand times bettter. i dont know if it is because i am manic but if I am, I have been manic for several months now. specifically 2 and a half. so i am doing pretty damn good! I even have a date this sunday.
last two months however i have had some problems, my eldest brother is on, he moved in for a short time. then a felon, that was fun took some doing to get him out. something I dont feel right abput how we did it. i would never want someone to do what we did. but at the same time i really wasnt the one doing it. it was my roomates idea to leave and lock the door on him and stay gone for a couple days so he got the message. but anyway, the problems that I havent foound solutions to involve anxiety and adjustment.
My anxiety has always been a problem but seriously, now that I am trying to get stuff done it is really geting in the way. I went out and had some fun with some friends, and man that sucke. I had an embarrassing massive anxiety attack. what sucks is it seems to center around a pattern. It always happens when I am trying to find someone new to care about in a more girlfreind boy friend way. and it always fucks me up. or atleast when i am trying to nab affection. its like I am put in a state of flux between one mind set and another and seems even another. it fucking sucks. at least that is when i have the massive anxiety attacks. other times i seem to have just a general fear of ANYTHING. it could be time it could sunlight it could be my roomates. it is severely deabilitating.
speaking of fearing my roomates. My relations ship with them has totally gone to rocky ground. i flat dont want to hang with them anymore. they scare me and i dont know why. i went camping with them, and i didnt tell them but it seemed I had to detach myself from my self to enjoy myself. which made the whole thing very strenous to say the least.
on other things, my last discussion with my counseler proved interesting, sad thing is I dont remeber much of it. which is odd, not really odd for me but odd in general. I have come up with a small theory as to what is truly wrong iwith my memory. seeing as I can remeber cheats to video games ages old, and things of the like (always things I like no matter wahat mood I am in) i have a feeling that I have at least got a severe selective memory problem. The interesting side is that I think that at any given time I am never fully myself and instead I am a combination of one or two of three. and as such when i am not whole i can only remeber things that that one side I am currently in has experinced and i can only remeber it in the way that side would remeber it. so if I am logical, all memories center around logic. If I am angry i rember all things through a sort of overall "red" haze a blury and very aggresive set up of memories tied more to the thoughts at the time instead of actually what was happening. Then there are the times when i am depressed which are always bleak and fucking lovely (NOT). and finally my memories of being scared are always fear driven. So, when i rember something, it comes to me in the aspects of whatever i was feeling at the time. and thus colored by it. I dont know why i do things this way, maybe i am just removing myself from the equation as much as possible and thus only remeber peices, or I have boder line personalities that run the show and thus I ahve borderline memories of things. Like for instance, an actual example of this is the fact that since I am happy right now, I dont remeber much about being sad. Thus the memories of the last few months or kind of seperated and blurry. i rember that I was falling in and out of love with eve and I remeber sometimes hating her, but above I remeber my need of her. but rihght now that all seems like letter on a page, far away and removed. instead I rember more clearly that right now I dont need her and she is really annoying and that I have given up trying to show her that the way she does things is wrong and a lot of the time very hypocritical. I also remeber that I used to have more problems with holding a single train of thought long enough to create a somewhat coherent blog ientry. sevearl times now I have utilized words that before I had to completly erase passsages to avoid using them cause I either forgot their meaning or could not rember the spelling enough to even try puting them on here in a way that someone else could read what I had meant. i dont deny that I am stil struggling to some extent but i am amazed at how little I have to try now.
On a seperate point, I noticed something old that has become new. i am starting to become my old narcissistic (yes I probably miss spelled that sue me) self. the self i used to hide from everyone. the self i was proud of. i used to be able to play with people like they were my pawns. i am feeling that ability starting to come back. HELL, its been coming back for a while, I just haven't noticed till now.others might think this to be bad, but I find it refreshing. because if I keep running like this I might just be able to keep going backwards enough to finally show people the intelligence I once possessed. The intelligence that gave me the ability to predict the future to almost pin point accuracy using a form of math i just unconsciously utilized. It was fun in those days! very few peopkle could surprise me everyone was classified with ver4ylil error. Now that I am older and wiser if I ain back that level of intelligence....... he he he heeee!
with all of these good things happening i have only a few questions remaining for my future, how do i get a job that I know I can do for the rest of my life, and who am i going to be spending the rest of my life with. cause you know i realize that I can be independant and still want for someone else. i can still be productive while remining the romantic. I may not be quite ready for the one that I am going to marry, and I knnow that is why I havent met her. but learning how to date and how to be charming the i usecd to be, these things I can do now with anyone. That's why i have a date this sunday! i just hope I can make a few bucks between now and then!
i guess i will leave off with that, I hope to win the fight against me tomorrow so I can be here again, till the next time i guess.
last two months however i have had some problems, my eldest brother is on, he moved in for a short time. then a felon, that was fun took some doing to get him out. something I dont feel right abput how we did it. i would never want someone to do what we did. but at the same time i really wasnt the one doing it. it was my roomates idea to leave and lock the door on him and stay gone for a couple days so he got the message. but anyway, the problems that I havent foound solutions to involve anxiety and adjustment.
My anxiety has always been a problem but seriously, now that I am trying to get stuff done it is really geting in the way. I went out and had some fun with some friends, and man that sucke. I had an embarrassing massive anxiety attack. what sucks is it seems to center around a pattern. It always happens when I am trying to find someone new to care about in a more girlfreind boy friend way. and it always fucks me up. or atleast when i am trying to nab affection. its like I am put in a state of flux between one mind set and another and seems even another. it fucking sucks. at least that is when i have the massive anxiety attacks. other times i seem to have just a general fear of ANYTHING. it could be time it could sunlight it could be my roomates. it is severely deabilitating.
speaking of fearing my roomates. My relations ship with them has totally gone to rocky ground. i flat dont want to hang with them anymore. they scare me and i dont know why. i went camping with them, and i didnt tell them but it seemed I had to detach myself from my self to enjoy myself. which made the whole thing very strenous to say the least.
on other things, my last discussion with my counseler proved interesting, sad thing is I dont remeber much of it. which is odd, not really odd for me but odd in general. I have come up with a small theory as to what is truly wrong iwith my memory. seeing as I can remeber cheats to video games ages old, and things of the like (always things I like no matter wahat mood I am in) i have a feeling that I have at least got a severe selective memory problem. The interesting side is that I think that at any given time I am never fully myself and instead I am a combination of one or two of three. and as such when i am not whole i can only remeber things that that one side I am currently in has experinced and i can only remeber it in the way that side would remeber it. so if I am logical, all memories center around logic. If I am angry i rember all things through a sort of overall "red" haze a blury and very aggresive set up of memories tied more to the thoughts at the time instead of actually what was happening. Then there are the times when i am depressed which are always bleak and fucking lovely (NOT). and finally my memories of being scared are always fear driven. So, when i rember something, it comes to me in the aspects of whatever i was feeling at the time. and thus colored by it. I dont know why i do things this way, maybe i am just removing myself from the equation as much as possible and thus only remeber peices, or I have boder line personalities that run the show and thus I ahve borderline memories of things. Like for instance, an actual example of this is the fact that since I am happy right now, I dont remeber much about being sad. Thus the memories of the last few months or kind of seperated and blurry. i rember that I was falling in and out of love with eve and I remeber sometimes hating her, but above I remeber my need of her. but rihght now that all seems like letter on a page, far away and removed. instead I rember more clearly that right now I dont need her and she is really annoying and that I have given up trying to show her that the way she does things is wrong and a lot of the time very hypocritical. I also remeber that I used to have more problems with holding a single train of thought long enough to create a somewhat coherent blog ientry. sevearl times now I have utilized words that before I had to completly erase passsages to avoid using them cause I either forgot their meaning or could not rember the spelling enough to even try puting them on here in a way that someone else could read what I had meant. i dont deny that I am stil struggling to some extent but i am amazed at how little I have to try now.
On a seperate point, I noticed something old that has become new. i am starting to become my old narcissistic (yes I probably miss spelled that sue me) self. the self i used to hide from everyone. the self i was proud of. i used to be able to play with people like they were my pawns. i am feeling that ability starting to come back. HELL, its been coming back for a while, I just haven't noticed till now.others might think this to be bad, but I find it refreshing. because if I keep running like this I might just be able to keep going backwards enough to finally show people the intelligence I once possessed. The intelligence that gave me the ability to predict the future to almost pin point accuracy using a form of math i just unconsciously utilized. It was fun in those days! very few peopkle could surprise me everyone was classified with ver4ylil error. Now that I am older and wiser if I ain back that level of intelligence....... he he he heeee!
with all of these good things happening i have only a few questions remaining for my future, how do i get a job that I know I can do for the rest of my life, and who am i going to be spending the rest of my life with. cause you know i realize that I can be independant and still want for someone else. i can still be productive while remining the romantic. I may not be quite ready for the one that I am going to marry, and I knnow that is why I havent met her. but learning how to date and how to be charming the i usecd to be, these things I can do now with anyone. That's why i have a date this sunday! i just hope I can make a few bucks between now and then!
i guess i will leave off with that, I hope to win the fight against me tomorrow so I can be here again, till the next time i guess.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
been a while
starting to feel a lot better, but i am seriously concerned about the rabbit hole as i call it, it is always right there next to me waiting to pull me in. I am struggling to mainain the control i have achieved. i have le3arned that the biggest reason why i wanted to moce out away from my roomates has to do with confusions and denial. confusion over how i was feeling towards eve and denial towards how i was feeling towards my bro. I realize now that my brother is the main cause of my freakout not like he caused in acuality but more like he was the straw the broke my back kind of thing. he is currently residing in my space, and without my space I find it hard to recuperate or pull brain together when it begins to fragment. as for my confusion towards evette, i think that just boils down to me being lonely as all fuck all the time and it makes it really bad when my depression hits like a tidal wave to the balls. my conclusions?
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
starting to decide to make difficult decisions...
i dont know if its a good idea or not but at the same time well....
heres the problem
i am dealing with a lot of problems on my own, lots of stress that i cause on myself. and now I have my eldest brother here with me. and he is going through some troubled times. I dont want to be a dick. but i cant handle this shit. i cant handle someone else going through depression and bipolar shit right in front of me all the time. In my space. my safe zone has been permenantly invaded. then there is some other facts i cant seem to get out of my head. I have become so obsessed with eve that i have been taking pictures of her whenever i can, whenever I am feeling down. wether she is sleeping or nude or swimming it doesnt matter. On top of it i cant stop imagining what things would be like if i was WITH her. even if it was a poligimous relationship, and the image keep getting better and better so much that I dont WANT to push them out of my brain they have almost become comforting. and yet she sees my as a "dorky asexual brother" which slices through these ideas. while my brother is getting help from her i cant help myself feeling like "why wouldnt she do this or that with me?" even though i know that it is inaccurate and fucked up. i cant stand it anymore.
so in conclusion, I am starting to think I should leave. move someplace near by. i just dont know. i am so tired of being lonely. i am so tired of everything. when i think on it much, it starts to really hurt. everyday it seems now somethign spikes in me, some deep emotional pain. i am begining to think it has more to do with the fact that I "feel" like i am in love with a woman i can never have and I cant stand it anymore. i will never get rid of the lonliness on my own but at the same time... i wont get rid of it here either. plus I have reached a point that if I do decide to die... maybe i can go someplace better, maybe god will understand the struggles i am going through the time i am having the problems i am having the thoughts i am dealing with.
I just wish i could get a decent woman, a nice lady like eve, but i dont think i can, i dont think i will anymore. who would put up with me and not have lots of issues themselves/. they are out there, but its not like I am going to be able to meet them sitting in a house all the time,. only going out when my anxiety doesnt bother me too bad... i just wiwsh there was a quick fix i wish there was something that would truly motivating my to LIVE, and not just this compulsion to survive not even a true desire more of a fear that something else could be waiting for me that is worse. otherwise, if I thought i would just go to sleep or if i would go to some purgatory or heaven (like i would desever heaven HA), i would be dead by now...GARUNTEED!
been trying to get a hold of the counselor days ago but life seems to be conspiring against me phone died.
then redied then redied. it got wet it took me a while to dry it out enough to work. but sadly it didnt do me any good really, tomorrow I am supposed to see him. but the car took a dump and now we cant. and now i am fucked......
truly fucked probably before the next time i see him
totally fucked......
heres the problem
i am dealing with a lot of problems on my own, lots of stress that i cause on myself. and now I have my eldest brother here with me. and he is going through some troubled times. I dont want to be a dick. but i cant handle this shit. i cant handle someone else going through depression and bipolar shit right in front of me all the time. In my space. my safe zone has been permenantly invaded. then there is some other facts i cant seem to get out of my head. I have become so obsessed with eve that i have been taking pictures of her whenever i can, whenever I am feeling down. wether she is sleeping or nude or swimming it doesnt matter. On top of it i cant stop imagining what things would be like if i was WITH her. even if it was a poligimous relationship, and the image keep getting better and better so much that I dont WANT to push them out of my brain they have almost become comforting. and yet she sees my as a "dorky asexual brother" which slices through these ideas. while my brother is getting help from her i cant help myself feeling like "why wouldnt she do this or that with me?" even though i know that it is inaccurate and fucked up. i cant stand it anymore.
so in conclusion, I am starting to think I should leave. move someplace near by. i just dont know. i am so tired of being lonely. i am so tired of everything. when i think on it much, it starts to really hurt. everyday it seems now somethign spikes in me, some deep emotional pain. i am begining to think it has more to do with the fact that I "feel" like i am in love with a woman i can never have and I cant stand it anymore. i will never get rid of the lonliness on my own but at the same time... i wont get rid of it here either. plus I have reached a point that if I do decide to die... maybe i can go someplace better, maybe god will understand the struggles i am going through the time i am having the problems i am having the thoughts i am dealing with.
I just wish i could get a decent woman, a nice lady like eve, but i dont think i can, i dont think i will anymore. who would put up with me and not have lots of issues themselves/. they are out there, but its not like I am going to be able to meet them sitting in a house all the time,. only going out when my anxiety doesnt bother me too bad... i just wiwsh there was a quick fix i wish there was something that would truly motivating my to LIVE, and not just this compulsion to survive not even a true desire more of a fear that something else could be waiting for me that is worse. otherwise, if I thought i would just go to sleep or if i would go to some purgatory or heaven (like i would desever heaven HA), i would be dead by now...GARUNTEED!
been trying to get a hold of the counselor days ago but life seems to be conspiring against me phone died.
then redied then redied. it got wet it took me a while to dry it out enough to work. but sadly it didnt do me any good really, tomorrow I am supposed to see him. but the car took a dump and now we cant. and now i am fucked......
truly fucked probably before the next time i see him
totally fucked......
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
confessions
i ahve been taking pictures of eve as she walks around doing stuff. Its become an obsession and I dont know what to do about it. my brain is frying. my emotions readable yet not. i know i am getting lonely but at the same time i seem to be feeling really weird and i dont know what to do
i dont know what to do. my depression seems to be the side effect of my mania no longer being truly there like it used to be. instead of getting angry and redirecting my depression through my anger, i seem more forced to contend with the depresion i dont know how to handle depression lonlness.
i dont know what to do. my depression seems to be the side effect of my mania no longer being truly there like it used to be. instead of getting angry and redirecting my depression through my anger, i seem more forced to contend with the depresion i dont know how to handle depression lonlness.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
dont know what i am doing
i know that i want friends that are funny, easy to hang with, and like me for me. but at the same time, i want respect. i dont want frends that are stressing to be around. i dont mind some stress people are stressful its a common thing. but I don't need someone to lean on me. and that is why I really really hate me
because I feel as though i am parasite or a symbiote (more parasite). and therefore if i had a choice of wether or not to hang with myself I wouldnt. i dont know what to do. i am a goofy dork that must people consider more of a brother than anything else. I HATE THIS FACT.
where is the power the respect the dignity in these things? i dont see it I know it probably is there I just dont care for it.
still dealing with lonliness and depression, begining to not give a shit about anything. I am starting to sit comfortably on an island of "dont give a crap about shit" I want to sleep all day now, dont care too much about eating until i have food in front of me. I dont want to go upstairs anymore. i dont really want to hang with anyone. I am all around unhapp[y with the cards I have been dealt in my life. i am aware how stupid and self centered this i. and I dont really give a shit. If i thought i could go to a happier place, i would off myself. but sadly that is the one thing my logic and emotions can agree on. dieing isnt an option so living without living stalling until my moods rise, this is all I want or seem to be able to do. i have no real life. i have no one who i feel really cares. and I live in a world of emotional delusion and have no real way out. i am fucking unhappy if you havent caught the drift. death would be a release if it didnt come from my hand or idea. sadly god seems towant me to stick around. if i was lucky some punk would run me over or shoot me to steal my wallet. but hey! i dont have luck I have shit. anyway this isnt going to help any further so i amg oing to go lay in bed and pretend i live in a different world. a world of abstract ness. a world where my delusions are the rules. where maybe i can be comfortable for a while yes?
fuck me
because I feel as though i am parasite or a symbiote (more parasite). and therefore if i had a choice of wether or not to hang with myself I wouldnt. i dont know what to do. i am a goofy dork that must people consider more of a brother than anything else. I HATE THIS FACT.
where is the power the respect the dignity in these things? i dont see it I know it probably is there I just dont care for it.
still dealing with lonliness and depression, begining to not give a shit about anything. I am starting to sit comfortably on an island of "dont give a crap about shit" I want to sleep all day now, dont care too much about eating until i have food in front of me. I dont want to go upstairs anymore. i dont really want to hang with anyone. I am all around unhapp[y with the cards I have been dealt in my life. i am aware how stupid and self centered this i. and I dont really give a shit. If i thought i could go to a happier place, i would off myself. but sadly that is the one thing my logic and emotions can agree on. dieing isnt an option so living without living stalling until my moods rise, this is all I want or seem to be able to do. i have no real life. i have no one who i feel really cares. and I live in a world of emotional delusion and have no real way out. i am fucking unhappy if you havent caught the drift. death would be a release if it didnt come from my hand or idea. sadly god seems towant me to stick around. if i was lucky some punk would run me over or shoot me to steal my wallet. but hey! i dont have luck I have shit. anyway this isnt going to help any further so i amg oing to go lay in bed and pretend i live in a different world. a world of abstract ness. a world where my delusions are the rules. where maybe i can be comfortable for a while yes?
fuck me
Friday, July 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
finally a decent daya
after such a long period of time, I am have a decent day, its not perfect but its workable. At least I am able to function. after my appointment with the light house (counseler) i was drapped without being asked to eve's freinds house. I was irritated but then I realized the good in going. with my new homework being trying to figure out hwho I want as friends, i decided to try to figgure out what i liked or did not like about eve's friend. she was a nice lady with two kids, i absolutly adored her 6 year old son. we wrestled and all that. i am still left with questions concerning the friend however, something about her rang alram bells. difinitly not a person I would want to hang with regularly, every now and then to have a good time sure. with this in mind I think that one of the things i would like in a friend is the ability to trust them, for them to be strong individuals on their own. none of this mooch type thing. not to say eve;s friend was a mooch, but i do know that she is going through a hard time, and she neds a lot of help, people like that, i always feel sorry for and so i go out of my way even if its not good for my health to help them. something i got REALLY tired of when concerning my ex wife and previous freinds.
still dealing with lonliness, but I am managing it better today. i just wish there was some cure for it. i dont think i will ever be rid of it. simply because I am always most hapy when doing something romantic in some way for some one. I could do it for friends and so on. i have done that. but the problem is that eventually I expect something in return, and when i dont get what I expect, its like have an angry blow out, but instead a lovey dovey type. my whole world shatters, because as i expect and do things, i begin to see the world differntly than it is. its a slow progresson, which makes it even worse.
im currently doing a bunch of other things i will have to continue later.
still dealing with lonliness, but I am managing it better today. i just wish there was some cure for it. i dont think i will ever be rid of it. simply because I am always most hapy when doing something romantic in some way for some one. I could do it for friends and so on. i have done that. but the problem is that eventually I expect something in return, and when i dont get what I expect, its like have an angry blow out, but instead a lovey dovey type. my whole world shatters, because as i expect and do things, i begin to see the world differntly than it is. its a slow progresson, which makes it even worse.
im currently doing a bunch of other things i will have to continue later.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
good news bad news
the good news is i figured out how to post from my cell phone. bad news is I can only post like one line at a time. however it still handy to remind me of what happends. so onto the real BAD news....
I am currently going througha week of a strange obsession. I found that physical contact makes my issues a lot more bearable. however I sem to get FAR to attached in some way or another, due to this, I apparently developed a strange obsession. One I am too embarassed about to mention here, I know I am going to kick it eventually, so once I do I will be sure to share it ( or not depending on its importance) otherwise i have had several other blows. I am freaking out, I dont think its a good idea to brach out and ask anyone for help right now. I dont know what to do. i seem to pedaling REALLY fast backwards. but yet its different. this depression is killing me though. I cant seem to get out of it, and when i do its only for short periods of time (Anywhere between fifteen minutes to fifteen hours). I have got things screaming in my head.
i want love
i want affection
i want pain
I want fire
I want i want I need i need
FUDGE!
I dont think I am ever ever ever going to goet over this i am starting to think that i should settle for being alone...... just the way i am
is this how high i can go? i this my destiny to continually fight ME
why
my biggest desire is love
thats it
thats all
it has never changed
the only FUCKING thing i care about
is the potential for a real relationship
where i can be happy
and that same deisre is so powerful that it cant get what it wants
help
help
help
i never seem to ask for shit when i really need it
well
help
one problem....
what the frick is anyone going to do about this?
other than give me happy pills
i am screwed
I haven't gone to lclass
cause i cant stand being out there
alone
among other people
people that I dont want them to look at me like i am retarded
although that is how i act sometimes
and I think
to day is one of those days
why
seriously
why?
do i make bad choices
or am I graspoing to high?
what makes me jump too far
what makes me plumet like i am now?
WHAT
i dont want it anymore
i dant want to be me if this is me!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am currently going througha week of a strange obsession. I found that physical contact makes my issues a lot more bearable. however I sem to get FAR to attached in some way or another, due to this, I apparently developed a strange obsession. One I am too embarassed about to mention here, I know I am going to kick it eventually, so once I do I will be sure to share it ( or not depending on its importance) otherwise i have had several other blows. I am freaking out, I dont think its a good idea to brach out and ask anyone for help right now. I dont know what to do. i seem to pedaling REALLY fast backwards. but yet its different. this depression is killing me though. I cant seem to get out of it, and when i do its only for short periods of time (Anywhere between fifteen minutes to fifteen hours). I have got things screaming in my head.
i want love
i want affection
i want pain
I want fire
I want i want I need i need
FUDGE!
I dont think I am ever ever ever going to goet over this i am starting to think that i should settle for being alone...... just the way i am
is this how high i can go? i this my destiny to continually fight ME
why
my biggest desire is love
thats it
thats all
it has never changed
the only FUCKING thing i care about
is the potential for a real relationship
where i can be happy
and that same deisre is so powerful that it cant get what it wants
help
help
help
i never seem to ask for shit when i really need it
well
help
one problem....
what the frick is anyone going to do about this?
other than give me happy pills
i am screwed
I haven't gone to lclass
cause i cant stand being out there
alone
among other people
people that I dont want them to look at me like i am retarded
although that is how i act sometimes
and I think
to day is one of those days
why
seriously
why?
do i make bad choices
or am I graspoing to high?
what makes me jump too far
what makes me plumet like i am now?
WHAT
i dont want it anymore
i dant want to be me if this is me!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
life sucks again...
that black hole that i predicted would come eventually is here I believe i have no real desire for anything the only thing keeping me going at this point is willpower. I am getting so tired of pushing. the ideo of finding some form of peace including death is becoming more and more difficult to get out of my head. it comes i fight it of, it comes again. I am no longer sure that liveing with my room mates is a good idea. but at the same time the prospect of liveing by myself is a scary and I beleive eventually a fatal one. I am so lonely. I dont trust the progress i have made because of this. I feel that i am using he people around me to attach to them and become that symbiotic person i am when in a reltationship. i currently wish that I was in some way possessing eve. I wish she was mine and I was hers. but i also know that I go through this crap everynow and then so i a not entirely sure my desires are based on true desire or screwed up fucked up habits. GOD peace would be nice knowing that iwas going to be ok,m knowing that i didnt have to deal with this the ret of my life I wish for it so badly. but I dont know what to do. i dont know what to DO.
the rabbit holes calls to me. The rabit is what i call complete depression, unable to do anything it is a desire to stop to rest to stop caring to stop doing anything. and it is so hard to stay out iof it. already today i was dangerously close to falling into the black hole that is the rabbit hole. Like alice i know that if i do I will reced into a land of many wonders but none of them are real.
the majority of these wonders however are dark and hold lil promise other than peace, and even the peace comes with a cost its more like dieing for a while, than actually doing anything good. all it does is it puts me into a state of hibernation when it comes to my lifes progress. i even fall ALLLLL the way back to the begingin. but i am so
...tired...
the rabbit holes calls to me. The rabit is what i call complete depression, unable to do anything it is a desire to stop to rest to stop caring to stop doing anything. and it is so hard to stay out iof it. already today i was dangerously close to falling into the black hole that is the rabbit hole. Like alice i know that if i do I will reced into a land of many wonders but none of them are real.
the majority of these wonders however are dark and hold lil promise other than peace, and even the peace comes with a cost its more like dieing for a while, than actually doing anything good. all it does is it puts me into a state of hibernation when it comes to my lifes progress. i even fall ALLLLL the way back to the begingin. but i am so
...tired...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
been a while....
been still digesting the things that have happend since last time. I still dont know what xactly to think of it all but hey thats my norm. A few days ago i went through a bout of paranoia, i thought my roomates were going to yell at me...about something, all the time. i feel better from that now. some good news i got an upgrade to my meds yesterday, now i take 100 instead of 50 mg of lamictal. which is nice. tried to get the doc to help assist in getting my roomate hired to be my caretaker.. it didnt work out so well. i am going to get the papers filled out next tuesday again. This time by my family physician. more to come later i nee to go sneeze!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
what is asperger autism?
A friend told me today i might have aspergers autism or syndrome... he described it and it fits me pretty well. i have sensitivity to a certain kind of high pitch noise. i take things literally as to what people say. i overreact to jokes and things or underreact. I mean the stuff he said just kept matching..... I would love to know soon wether or not he is right cause if he is i might be able to get a more refined treatment going!
heres hoping i finally found what i have.
heres hoping i finally found what i have.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
confusing day
I feel great... yet i feel no desire to be around others at all today. Instead I have this ned to get stuff done. I have a lot of art projects that i am exited about. i am looking forward to completeing each one. I am currently working on hristmas presents for both my brothers and my father. i am also finishing the touches to my gift for Eve. but what really has me excited is my gifts for the rest of the family on christmas. i am actually hgoing to be sending them each a back story on a character i am basing on them. with each snippet i am also leaving an internet address that will lead them to the continuation of their story. as each character will actually play a part in a bigger story.
anyway... ever since i learned that Eve has been purposefully been ticking me off, i have been feeling a shift a slow change, in my veiws towards her and myself. i am not a dangerous individual.. although i have faith that if things called for it i would be able to hold my own. but yet i question that as well. i dontk now know whats happening, but i do know a lot is happening behind the surface of my easily read conscious thoughts. i think I am hiding something from myself that will be eventually revealed. Since the last blow up my suspiscions of some seperate personality have been brought back to the surface and i think maybe thats part of what I am feeling. I am divide and I am keeping myself occupied so this other side of me can use more of my brain than normal without me butting in. but I dont know, I just dont know.
a further update, i have concluded that for some reason i just am not ready to give up my smoking habits. However i have noticed that I have a need to be by myself every now and then I fear however that this new found need and thus joy in filling it is causeing me some turbulance with my relation ship with Eve. At the same time it kind of makes me suspect that my relationship with her is more of an unhealthy one to some extent. i think I am filling some gap in her life that i shouldnt be. Even if this is the case however, i dont think i shoul tell her or complain about it considering the fact that she seems to do so much to help me, its the least I guess i can do for her. I have noticed that she doesnt have any other real friends that hang out with her.. which also leads me to believe that this is part of the reason she is friends with me. the only question remains (I guess) is what is the single most important linking factor between her and all her other friends. i presently believe that it is simply distance and her environment. part of her environment that may be hindering her social network might be Adam, But I am not so sure. anyway.... GRRRRRRRrrr
I find that i am truly insane. my perception of reality changes on a continous basis. i am aware of these changes and i am learning to adjust. My fear is that I will never be normal. I am also pretty sure that is a true statement. no matter what meds i get on i am going to be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. But I am surprisingly willing to deal with this. which that statement i find intrigueing due to the fact that I promised myself that if i ever found that there was no cure or that i could never be normal i would finish this game for good. i think that i have realized that there are differnt ideas of normal. Even if this one scares me i get the feeling everything is going to work out perfectly in the end.
very confusing
yes?
anyway... ever since i learned that Eve has been purposefully been ticking me off, i have been feeling a shift a slow change, in my veiws towards her and myself. i am not a dangerous individual.. although i have faith that if things called for it i would be able to hold my own. but yet i question that as well. i dontk now know whats happening, but i do know a lot is happening behind the surface of my easily read conscious thoughts. i think I am hiding something from myself that will be eventually revealed. Since the last blow up my suspiscions of some seperate personality have been brought back to the surface and i think maybe thats part of what I am feeling. I am divide and I am keeping myself occupied so this other side of me can use more of my brain than normal without me butting in. but I dont know, I just dont know.
a further update, i have concluded that for some reason i just am not ready to give up my smoking habits. However i have noticed that I have a need to be by myself every now and then I fear however that this new found need and thus joy in filling it is causeing me some turbulance with my relation ship with Eve. At the same time it kind of makes me suspect that my relationship with her is more of an unhealthy one to some extent. i think I am filling some gap in her life that i shouldnt be. Even if this is the case however, i dont think i shoul tell her or complain about it considering the fact that she seems to do so much to help me, its the least I guess i can do for her. I have noticed that she doesnt have any other real friends that hang out with her.. which also leads me to believe that this is part of the reason she is friends with me. the only question remains (I guess) is what is the single most important linking factor between her and all her other friends. i presently believe that it is simply distance and her environment. part of her environment that may be hindering her social network might be Adam, But I am not so sure. anyway.... GRRRRRRRrrr
I find that i am truly insane. my perception of reality changes on a continous basis. i am aware of these changes and i am learning to adjust. My fear is that I will never be normal. I am also pretty sure that is a true statement. no matter what meds i get on i am going to be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life. But I am surprisingly willing to deal with this. which that statement i find intrigueing due to the fact that I promised myself that if i ever found that there was no cure or that i could never be normal i would finish this game for good. i think that i have realized that there are differnt ideas of normal. Even if this one scares me i get the feeling everything is going to work out perfectly in the end.
very confusing
yes?
Friday, June 3, 2011
New and exciting yet equally frigtening...
learned some new shit today, I am still trying to process it all/. My roomate Eve has been purposefully ticking me off for a while now. Why? so i have a few weeks of sanity or "normal" as she calls it. Today she actually ticked me off on purpose causeing me to blow and most of the time through it i knew it. I should have known it makes so much sense and i am kicking myself in the ass. but it does make me wonder... I still get the feeling she gets a perverse sort of joy out of it, some form of control maybe I dont know. i still will just chuck that up to delusional thinking simply because it doesnt either way at this point consider the end result is the same for now. i am geting better. during this last blow up however i finally figured out that i should not be so fafraid to blow up, I don't think i will ever hurt anyone i care about i dont have it in me. this make s me feel a lot better, and a lot more relaxed. anyway, i also theorize that my smoking habits coming not from a need for cigerrets but more for a need to have some "me" time. with this theory in my mind I plan on trying to create a positive replacement. i also believe i might have some mouth obsession, with sucking something or whatever. maybe sigmund was right. anyway it doesnt matter for now. I am very tired so i am heading this offf early at least i put more into it than last time. i do have some good news. after the blow out my issues do seem much more manageable.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
not awake
Saturday, May 28, 2011
tirrrredd
had a yard sale and had to deal with a lot of anxiety, i woke up by myself for once. i couldnt think real well, and I currently dont remeber much else........um i tired..... night!
Friday, May 27, 2011
today is.....friday , I think?
well today was ok....the biggest thing that is on my mind at this point is the fact that i can seem to rember anything. today several times certain events came to pass that didnt seem to actually occur. for example half way into the evening I totally forgot about the first section of the day. to start out with, I got up brushed my teeth washed my face and ran out the door eating some angelfood cake. Eve, Adam, and i headed outside the city for a doctor apointment. On the way home, we got mcdonalds. once home i had to stick around for a charter guy while eve took adam to work. when eve got back the maintance guys from the apartment complex came by and fixed a clog, THEN finally the charter guy showed up. after that everything is is kindf still fuzzy, we left to do errands and things. whats weird, is while we were running errands, i couldnt for the life of me rember any of this morning until I asked eve what we ate, when she said mcdonalds it all flooded back. this hapens to me a lot. i am wondering if i should moniter this, and se if it occurs when i am in some emotaional status or not. Either way i am still rather concerned. as for the rest of the day, the was a lot of runing around and so forth, but other than that everything seems to have returned to normally with my emotions and so on. I also found one other occurence when i want a smoke, when i am around others that do so also, i feel a compulsion to join in, its like a secret club card, Immeadiatly after lighting up conversations start. it becomes easeir for me to fit in.
after rembering this I also realized i seem to have a desire to cry or get emotional in a rather girly way (in my opinion). it not like a depresion like i have had before its just this i dont know.... I see something movingand I start to ball then stop. and i feel sad that i have to work so hard to fit in to this world, but at the same time i am feeling this challenge and i want to defeat it! it makes me wonder if maybe this therapy is helping more than i thought (again) and that the walls that i have had within me are breaking more and more, it makes me happy, almost free. part of my dedustion on this is due to the fact that i am realizing more and more i have this need to defeat something. i guess i spent many years of my life "defeating" vieo games. and now those same games i find are worthless, i have beaten every kind of game out there, there are no "new" challenges only new experiences with the new games that come out. As i have come to realize this, i am trying to ffind new ways to utiliza this drive.
s
sorry if my thoughts are not as well put together this blog, i am struggling to put them in a coherent chain as is. but I have also notice this strange seperation of emotion from thought or action versus thinking. because i have just now officially realized that I have a drive to "fdefeat" something, and yet I have been unconsciously ustilizing this in new ways. i am strive to "defeat" my illness. I am striveing to "defeat" college. I am striving to "defeat" my memory loss issues. i am striving to "defeat" Eve's criticism by drawing her the "perfect" gift. i am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am POWERFUL! i am intelligent, i am handsome, i am able to do what others can do. I question wether I can do more, but I still think I can. I will eventually create something revolutionary, something that will leave a stamp on the pyramid of science or philosophy, or maybe even art (although i think that would be too freaking easy and not permenant. I once theroized that we all strive to achieve immortality in some way or another. but the main direction that people go is by leaving a memory, a ripple effect that will bounce off many others after they die. I wonder if this theory is actually more devised of my own thinking than that of anyone else's. Part of my way to deduct this (what i consider potentialy true) reality is by considering the theories that segmund freud came up with. i suspect as do many others from what I have heard over the years, that segmund was actually anaylzing himself. which makes sense to me, as when i study psycholgy, i am actually seeking answers about myself. Anyway it is getting late and i need to get up early tomorrow to assist Eve with the preparation of a yardsale. after i post this however i plan on immeadiatly posting two versions of the gift that I am working on, to see what others might think. one is hand drawn in pen, and the other is the unfinished scaned edit of the original pen work. i wish all good night and I hope truly others would remeber me better than I seem to rember them lol.
after rembering this I also realized i seem to have a desire to cry or get emotional in a rather girly way (in my opinion). it not like a depresion like i have had before its just this i dont know.... I see something movingand I start to ball then stop. and i feel sad that i have to work so hard to fit in to this world, but at the same time i am feeling this challenge and i want to defeat it! it makes me wonder if maybe this therapy is helping more than i thought (again) and that the walls that i have had within me are breaking more and more, it makes me happy, almost free. part of my dedustion on this is due to the fact that i am realizing more and more i have this need to defeat something. i guess i spent many years of my life "defeating" vieo games. and now those same games i find are worthless, i have beaten every kind of game out there, there are no "new" challenges only new experiences with the new games that come out. As i have come to realize this, i am trying to ffind new ways to utiliza this drive.
s
sorry if my thoughts are not as well put together this blog, i am struggling to put them in a coherent chain as is. but I have also notice this strange seperation of emotion from thought or action versus thinking. because i have just now officially realized that I have a drive to "fdefeat" something, and yet I have been unconsciously ustilizing this in new ways. i am strive to "defeat" my illness. I am striveing to "defeat" college. I am striving to "defeat" my memory loss issues. i am striving to "defeat" Eve's criticism by drawing her the "perfect" gift. i am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am POWERFUL! i am intelligent, i am handsome, i am able to do what others can do. I question wether I can do more, but I still think I can. I will eventually create something revolutionary, something that will leave a stamp on the pyramid of science or philosophy, or maybe even art (although i think that would be too freaking easy and not permenant. I once theroized that we all strive to achieve immortality in some way or another. but the main direction that people go is by leaving a memory, a ripple effect that will bounce off many others after they die. I wonder if this theory is actually more devised of my own thinking than that of anyone else's. Part of my way to deduct this (what i consider potentialy true) reality is by considering the theories that segmund freud came up with. i suspect as do many others from what I have heard over the years, that segmund was actually anaylzing himself. which makes sense to me, as when i study psycholgy, i am actually seeking answers about myself. Anyway it is getting late and i need to get up early tomorrow to assist Eve with the preparation of a yardsale. after i post this however i plan on immeadiatly posting two versions of the gift that I am working on, to see what others might think. one is hand drawn in pen, and the other is the unfinished scaned edit of the original pen work. i wish all good night and I hope truly others would remeber me better than I seem to rember them lol.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
a decent day...
nothing overtly unusual accurred today. However on the mental side things are getting weird again. my current view of Eve is swaying towards that lovy dovy crap again. and with it a lot of uncomfortable stuffs. I still find her annoying but as the day has progressed that annoyance has receeeded more and more into the background. and my other feelings are coming out more and more. its getting to the point where its uncomfortable to be around her. on top of all this i am finding that my usual ability to spell words has been steadily and slowly going down hill. so far i have seemed to have forgotten three words. I ofcourse rember them now. well all but one. acurrence (which i still dont think i am spelling right and you will notice i discovered i couldnt spell this one during this blog) warp (i spelled it worp) and Playmat (HA I did remember! Although i think I am still spelling it wrong.) Dont get me wrong I make spelling errors all the time when I type but those are Typos, not really me forgetting how to spell something. it has me mildly concerned. on a good note i just finished an awesome drawing of Eve. i am still trying to work out a decent gift to give her for her birthday. but at the same time i ask myself why i am working so hard... and my reasons why kind of becoe suspect. the most logical reason is cause i want to do something artistic and i have in mind to do something for her. its a challenge to me. To make something she would like but would not be able to critique easily (see I knew how to spell that! :) however... i do suspect that part of the reason I am working so hard is because I do have REAL feelings for her. At the same time I am not too concerned, as I am sure i will be able to control them, and I know that one day i will find for myself a woman that I can love freely. If I do have feelings for the woman it is probably simply because of my habits. In the past anyone who shows me compassion and affection that happens to be female I seem to develope feelings for.
Thanks to my current state, i fel my usual routines being attacked, but this time i feel a certain amount of control as yes, I am no longer doing as much as I used to do, but no i am not stopping anything. so i still continue to try to bryush my teeth and take showers and the like, i even try to take the dogs out. But each of these tasks have become increasingly difficult, but not impossible. with this realization coupled with the drastic depression i felt recently i realize that i have been through this same type of thing before and it usually brings me to my knees. It usually has caused me to completly stop living, which when i come out of such state I have to start pover all the work i did before to improve myself. as i think on these things i realize I am coming a long way. i also try to rember not to let my gaurd down. I am still in my depressive state, i am just starting to come out of it, i dont need to uck up or rather give up at any point now.
I nhave noticed that the pain i feel when i am in extreme emotions, has faded since i have learned the phrase " i dont deserve pain" the phrase means much to me, as it means I am a good person but it also means i am not a super person, i can make mistakes. its like shit happens but phrased ina more personal way.
i almost forgot last time i talked to my counsler i was supposed to try at least two things. too keep track of my distorted reality (thus the whole stating the way i feel towards eve thing) and to try to figure out why i smoke. i still dont fully know. My current suspiscions is it is a method of dealing with many things . when i get anxious I pay attention to how the smoke feels going in and out of my throat (not my lungs) the more i focus on that, the more i calm down even if it is for a lil while. i believe this a modified version of a baby sucking on a pacifer, as the part of my throat that I focus on seems to be about where a pacifer would hit inside a baby's throat. Another reason for it is it is an excuse to go by myself when i really want to. An example is when my room mate Eve seems (I say seems on purpose here) to want me to pend time with her and i feel a need to go downstairs into my area. I say I am going for a smoke and then I use the cigerette as a timer for how long I stay down there. I also use a ciggerette to help me wake up in the morning, that is the one smoke i can never seem to get rid of. its like the whole " ok I have had my smoke I can have the day now". the last time that i can rember that I seem to have a smoke, i dont actually wnt a smoke, what i really want is to go through he kitchen and eat everything. I sometimes get this hunger that never goes away, no matter how much I feed it, I still feel like I am literally starving. I have stuffed myself on many occasions such as this, and ended up sick, and physically hurt from stuffing too much food into my system. I can tell you that I have found that this means of consumtion does horrible things to my digestive track, as i usually end up having diarreha (i think i spelled that right) for two to three days afterward. As soon as i realize the hunger i am feeling is not Real hunger, i try to get my self a smoke as soon as possible. wonce I have a ciggerette at these times, i swear its almost immeadiate the effect. the hunger disapears alost entirely. it goes from driving me mad to "eh the idea of food and how it tastes sounds awesome, the idea of eating said food is, well i could be doing (insert random thing i happen to be into at the time here)" anyway thats the best description i have for now.
as to a couple other things, i hope to eventually scan the new drawing as i plan on doing somestuff to it on the computer and then printing it off, or atleast scanning it to show off on here lol. tomorrow i have a doc a ppointment early in the morining I should probably try to get some rest. which brings me to my last reasonfor haveing a smoke, I also use it to transition from one mood of energy to another, in other words I need a smoke and sleep good night!
Thanks to my current state, i fel my usual routines being attacked, but this time i feel a certain amount of control as yes, I am no longer doing as much as I used to do, but no i am not stopping anything. so i still continue to try to bryush my teeth and take showers and the like, i even try to take the dogs out. But each of these tasks have become increasingly difficult, but not impossible. with this realization coupled with the drastic depression i felt recently i realize that i have been through this same type of thing before and it usually brings me to my knees. It usually has caused me to completly stop living, which when i come out of such state I have to start pover all the work i did before to improve myself. as i think on these things i realize I am coming a long way. i also try to rember not to let my gaurd down. I am still in my depressive state, i am just starting to come out of it, i dont need to uck up or rather give up at any point now.
I nhave noticed that the pain i feel when i am in extreme emotions, has faded since i have learned the phrase " i dont deserve pain" the phrase means much to me, as it means I am a good person but it also means i am not a super person, i can make mistakes. its like shit happens but phrased ina more personal way.
i almost forgot last time i talked to my counsler i was supposed to try at least two things. too keep track of my distorted reality (thus the whole stating the way i feel towards eve thing) and to try to figure out why i smoke. i still dont fully know. My current suspiscions is it is a method of dealing with many things . when i get anxious I pay attention to how the smoke feels going in and out of my throat (not my lungs) the more i focus on that, the more i calm down even if it is for a lil while. i believe this a modified version of a baby sucking on a pacifer, as the part of my throat that I focus on seems to be about where a pacifer would hit inside a baby's throat. Another reason for it is it is an excuse to go by myself when i really want to. An example is when my room mate Eve seems (I say seems on purpose here) to want me to pend time with her and i feel a need to go downstairs into my area. I say I am going for a smoke and then I use the cigerette as a timer for how long I stay down there. I also use a ciggerette to help me wake up in the morning, that is the one smoke i can never seem to get rid of. its like the whole " ok I have had my smoke I can have the day now". the last time that i can rember that I seem to have a smoke, i dont actually wnt a smoke, what i really want is to go through he kitchen and eat everything. I sometimes get this hunger that never goes away, no matter how much I feed it, I still feel like I am literally starving. I have stuffed myself on many occasions such as this, and ended up sick, and physically hurt from stuffing too much food into my system. I can tell you that I have found that this means of consumtion does horrible things to my digestive track, as i usually end up having diarreha (i think i spelled that right) for two to three days afterward. As soon as i realize the hunger i am feeling is not Real hunger, i try to get my self a smoke as soon as possible. wonce I have a ciggerette at these times, i swear its almost immeadiate the effect. the hunger disapears alost entirely. it goes from driving me mad to "eh the idea of food and how it tastes sounds awesome, the idea of eating said food is, well i could be doing (insert random thing i happen to be into at the time here)" anyway thats the best description i have for now.
as to a couple other things, i hope to eventually scan the new drawing as i plan on doing somestuff to it on the computer and then printing it off, or atleast scanning it to show off on here lol. tomorrow i have a doc a ppointment early in the morining I should probably try to get some rest. which brings me to my last reasonfor haveing a smoke, I also use it to transition from one mood of energy to another, in other words I need a smoke and sleep good night!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
stress is crunching
cant seem to get my college card adjusted properly. This is causing me lots of trouble as currently i dont fully know how much I wowe my room mate Eve we have settled on the amount of 550, although that number i feel is way off due to the fact that the majority of that is actually for gas and other things like food and clothes that I did not spend but . . . i am going to try to pay it as soon as i can. next month i am going to have to sell some of my things to come up with ten bucks but other than that i ashould be fine. I dont know whwat to do about things right now still dealing with depression and i can feel my mind slipping. tat reality sensor is steadily slowly down and fading. I think that once i get my college card figured out everything should be fine. but until then I have much that I am trying to deal with. my perception of eve currently rests in the barely give a shit zone.
still cant sleep
continueing and not continueing. I think I am jujst got to free write....
feelo the ebb and flow of livfe the burning of my hnads my heart and mysoul. tormented by myself I continue through the fire i create. insanity binds me where time cannot heal me. life most go on though my head rages on
all things considered things should be ok and they are no t my mind runs parrellel to my own desire and vision,. thoughts thatt shouldnt be hold my attention longer than they should. feeling soft skin in phatom waves. breasts lifted above the ocean of despair. hearts lifting where otherwise they woyuld drown. my mind trys to grasp at things it knows is untrue. love hatred affection lies denial these are my things. i am their toy why wont they leave me alone. why cant i see the truth through the fog. can some one pull me out of this dream. why cant my hand reach my hand and save myself. life begins with struggle and pain, life is pain. but life is joy. the glass is half full. but the voices in my mind, disagree. cut me into peices let e fall yet this has already occured and i knew not at all. the empty sheel of my heart screams for mass. i strech my energy towards another only to be either denied or to suck them in and thus down i go into the dark wonderland. to sleep with the realization that i am not alone, why does this comfort me
why do i want it so
i need that body of flesh near me i want to wrap around it mind and body my soul is hungry for forgiveness and salvation. yet these are things I know I allone can give to myself no one else can fix them but yet still i hunger for that which will not fix. addiction stracch my wrists, pulling me back to habits old. nothing is the same when the glass fractured and cracked, the tint changes with the emotion that sems dominant. why do i flux? did i stop maintinaing control? i believe so, doig so wel i forgot to watch my views to rotate the die early to stop the snowball from being an ice boulder move i say move i scream to myself move forward and up ward stop this insanity keep it from blocking my life so myuch to do so many dreams so many things i have time no need to hurry but going back wards is not efficient and thus should not occcur my brain becomes anylitical as the pain syubsies but only for a momment as i remeber my desires and i want I want,. porn porn porn is his name the monkey jumbs up and down growing bigger and bigger the more i feed it,. yet it stall
and stall
nd stall only for me to wake up in the caveof my making. the ligtht hiden from my eyes. looking putside upon the face of the sun i am burned
scared
and utterly afraid
the light is newuntrustworthy nothing works here the way i though
pain
i know pain
hope
joy
happiness
is nothing but tools to my enemies
and yetthese same things are weapons against myself
so bring on the light
create the joy
where it is normally hidden
can someone help me>
'is it ok to ask?
I know no t
i fear asking for assistance when i know that others need it as well
why
why
why
everything is so confusing
love
hatred
and indifference
i feel these things all in their time
one first
then the other
only to branch of to the next before starting again
not time limit
only differnce in accerlation
and depth
the holes they possses
brains lead me to darkness and or rage
love
leads only to darkness
which turns to rage
yet
i contradict myself
where I know not
i feel the sense of wrong
of distortion
where doe si t lie
I care no0t
Find my pain
and find my joy
defeat my pain
as i do so i earn more rewards
the building blocks of my life fall
to be replaced with proper brick
and metal beams
slow
slow they fall
guns blads
and fire
these things
why do they perisist
why do i hate myself so?
i am weak
maybe that is why.. all my life i hav4e been no one
for someone stands and makes decision i have made very few
and all that I have made i question
doing is better than not doing
yet through all this progress i still feel pain
blade be still my chest desrerves not your edge
i control my pain
where this leads i know not.
fear not my blades my gunds and my fire are not reality
but that is what makes them worse
for they are in my mind
and used by my mind against ME
WHAY
i lok in the mirror and feel failure
I have succeded in my endeavors
I know......
two days missed are a failyure
but i passed the test
i did not fail
YET
arguments
suck
pain and strige
strife
pain and strife
pain and strife
finally sleep descends
wish me the night
and maybe i will grant myself the stars
feelo the ebb and flow of livfe the burning of my hnads my heart and mysoul. tormented by myself I continue through the fire i create. insanity binds me where time cannot heal me. life most go on though my head rages on
all things considered things should be ok and they are no t my mind runs parrellel to my own desire and vision,. thoughts thatt shouldnt be hold my attention longer than they should. feeling soft skin in phatom waves. breasts lifted above the ocean of despair. hearts lifting where otherwise they woyuld drown. my mind trys to grasp at things it knows is untrue. love hatred affection lies denial these are my things. i am their toy why wont they leave me alone. why cant i see the truth through the fog. can some one pull me out of this dream. why cant my hand reach my hand and save myself. life begins with struggle and pain, life is pain. but life is joy. the glass is half full. but the voices in my mind, disagree. cut me into peices let e fall yet this has already occured and i knew not at all. the empty sheel of my heart screams for mass. i strech my energy towards another only to be either denied or to suck them in and thus down i go into the dark wonderland. to sleep with the realization that i am not alone, why does this comfort me
why do i want it so
i need that body of flesh near me i want to wrap around it mind and body my soul is hungry for forgiveness and salvation. yet these are things I know I allone can give to myself no one else can fix them but yet still i hunger for that which will not fix. addiction stracch my wrists, pulling me back to habits old. nothing is the same when the glass fractured and cracked, the tint changes with the emotion that sems dominant. why do i flux? did i stop maintinaing control? i believe so, doig so wel i forgot to watch my views to rotate the die early to stop the snowball from being an ice boulder move i say move i scream to myself move forward and up ward stop this insanity keep it from blocking my life so myuch to do so many dreams so many things i have time no need to hurry but going back wards is not efficient and thus should not occcur my brain becomes anylitical as the pain syubsies but only for a momment as i remeber my desires and i want I want,. porn porn porn is his name the monkey jumbs up and down growing bigger and bigger the more i feed it,. yet it stall
and stall
nd stall only for me to wake up in the caveof my making. the ligtht hiden from my eyes. looking putside upon the face of the sun i am burned
scared
and utterly afraid
the light is newuntrustworthy nothing works here the way i though
pain
i know pain
hope
joy
happiness
is nothing but tools to my enemies
and yetthese same things are weapons against myself
so bring on the light
create the joy
where it is normally hidden
can someone help me>
'is it ok to ask?
I know no t
i fear asking for assistance when i know that others need it as well
why
why
why
everything is so confusing
love
hatred
and indifference
i feel these things all in their time
one first
then the other
only to branch of to the next before starting again
not time limit
only differnce in accerlation
and depth
the holes they possses
brains lead me to darkness and or rage
love
leads only to darkness
which turns to rage
yet
i contradict myself
where I know not
i feel the sense of wrong
of distortion
where doe si t lie
I care no0t
Find my pain
and find my joy
defeat my pain
as i do so i earn more rewards
the building blocks of my life fall
to be replaced with proper brick
and metal beams
slow
slow they fall
guns blads
and fire
these things
why do they perisist
why do i hate myself so?
i am weak
maybe that is why.. all my life i hav4e been no one
for someone stands and makes decision i have made very few
and all that I have made i question
doing is better than not doing
yet through all this progress i still feel pain
blade be still my chest desrerves not your edge
i control my pain
where this leads i know not.
fear not my blades my gunds and my fire are not reality
but that is what makes them worse
for they are in my mind
and used by my mind against ME
WHAY
i lok in the mirror and feel failure
I have succeded in my endeavors
I know......
two days missed are a failyure
but i passed the test
i did not fail
YET
arguments
suck
pain and strige
strife
pain and strife
pain and strife
finally sleep descends
wish me the night
and maybe i will grant myself the stars
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
the darkness finally begins its descent. depression hits as of now. so, why does it hit? Because ididnt allow myself to blow up on those that have been there for me through all my issues. DAMNED IF I FUCKING DO DAMNED IF I FUCKING DONT. so what to do now? I have no fucking idea. should I ask Eve for assistance? Do I trust my state of mind to do so....? Maybe...but how does one go about asking for help in such a predictament? When i was married I would say that i dont feel well and bingo i would start down the path of help. but im not maried. i dont know what the fuck to say because you know what I typically dont feel well every fucking day to some extent. so me saying "oh i dont feel so great" doesnt work real well. sure, I may understate things when i say I dont feel so great, but i dont like coming out and saying: my mind and body are at war, im struggleing to keep myself from trying to pull myself to peiices. hmm maybe i should tell her that. I dont know what is the fucking point of it all my moods change when the fucking want and I am so tired of it. i got college, I got dreams, i got hopes. i dont want to be dragged down by my insanity. to be continued.
these are a few sketchs I have done lately:
my bio notes in sketch form
more sketch notes for bio
the grave, and resurection of Dark Rose
a sketch of my roomate Eve
A much cooler sketch of me drawing my roomate Eve
a blog entry in sketch form, I was going nuts, the drawing of the hand is actually how my hand felt at the time, so in other words it was a drawing of my hand in a manic/depressed state.
I rather like spiders yet this is the first time i have ever actually drawn one for fun i think I did a decent job of it myself :P
an entry diplaced by time....
this is an entry I made when my net was down it occurs somewhere between the last post and the post before that, I am sorry i can not give an official date as doing this entry i was not in any sort of balance. But it does give an example of how my perspectives can change so easily when enraged.
if I actually did post this at some point, Please forgive the double post.
i am so pissed right now, eve and adam just had a fight. adam was looking for something important and eve was being blamed for it being lost. Odds are it wasnt her fault, but still i find that her not helping was just like the time she wouldnt help me find something. i am just so pised i dont know what to do. according to the things i have learned in the recent weeks, iu should be trying to find some way to deal with it, but i cant think of anything other than typing this out. I am frustrated not just at eve and adam. but more so with my slef. recently i found an friend that i think i manipulated into haveing a sexual experince with. looking back on it now, i realize that what i had done i had done in a the wrong frame of mind and now i regret it. whats interesting to me is the fact that I thought somewhere in my brain that it was needed
that the experience was needed for some reason. and the more i think about it. the more i believe that maybe i was right. because now i understand that i really should be single. and that I dont need anyone. that I need to grow a pair of balls. i have the power to deal with my problems. I have the ability to be happy. Without anyone else. The only problem with this realization is that I know that it is tempary. i need to leave a lasting mark in my lfe so that when my beliefs begin to shift like they tend to do, i will be able to look upon that, and see where my shifted beliefs are wrong. the last time i came to this concluion i believed that i had to leave a scar on my life, something bad to remind me. this time however, somewhere inside i believe i can mitigate damges caused, and leave a more positive thought process behind. maybe i have already been scarred. maybe that is why i believe that something more positive and permenant can be left behind. i dont know yet what it is. but i feel the pieces in my mind shifting into place here and there, hopefully i will find it before i lose sight or am distracted from them.
my mind still is reeling from my internal rage. I am still furious at my lack of ability to do that which I feel i should do. my lack of understanding as to wha tto do now. This last week, i felt myself slipping, i know not for the exact reason why, but i know longer like getting up in the morning as much as i did. i find myself wishing more and more to got to bed and stay. to ignore the world and tell it to FUCK off. with my newfound lack ofdesire for a girlfriend or anything else of the nature in effect, i find myself blind as to my next set of long term goals. I do have a strange detail that i find rather interesting. I begining to think that you know what I am not that bad looking of a guy. and maybe i am not such a bad catch after all. and with that comes the realization that I can do better. the struggle is how do i hold off the flood that is coming. that i feel on the back of brain. this flood this seems more and more like a black hole of failure, depression, llack of motivation, and all around self destruction. I fear that all that i have worked on is about to crumble. the months of depression that may arise before i can get back into the cgear of life i feel I need to be in is going to destroy everything. I know this, bexcause it has happend again and agian. i also fear that this feeling comes from my fear of abandonment. something rather stupid, but to not admit the possibility would be to welcome the self destruction. I suspect that my counseler's decision to move me to two weeks instead of one, has caused me to lose confidence. this lack of confidence may be the crack in my walls. the crack that is allowing the pieces to fall out of place. Hoever i will not try to change things. I belive that i can handle myself without having the helpful anaylsis from my counsler once a week. like i said earlier, i just need to grow some balls.
if I actually did post this at some point, Please forgive the double post.
i am so pissed right now, eve and adam just had a fight. adam was looking for something important and eve was being blamed for it being lost. Odds are it wasnt her fault, but still i find that her not helping was just like the time she wouldnt help me find something. i am just so pised i dont know what to do. according to the things i have learned in the recent weeks, iu should be trying to find some way to deal with it, but i cant think of anything other than typing this out. I am frustrated not just at eve and adam. but more so with my slef. recently i found an friend that i think i manipulated into haveing a sexual experince with. looking back on it now, i realize that what i had done i had done in a the wrong frame of mind and now i regret it. whats interesting to me is the fact that I thought somewhere in my brain that it was needed
that the experience was needed for some reason. and the more i think about it. the more i believe that maybe i was right. because now i understand that i really should be single. and that I dont need anyone. that I need to grow a pair of balls. i have the power to deal with my problems. I have the ability to be happy. Without anyone else. The only problem with this realization is that I know that it is tempary. i need to leave a lasting mark in my lfe so that when my beliefs begin to shift like they tend to do, i will be able to look upon that, and see where my shifted beliefs are wrong. the last time i came to this concluion i believed that i had to leave a scar on my life, something bad to remind me. this time however, somewhere inside i believe i can mitigate damges caused, and leave a more positive thought process behind. maybe i have already been scarred. maybe that is why i believe that something more positive and permenant can be left behind. i dont know yet what it is. but i feel the pieces in my mind shifting into place here and there, hopefully i will find it before i lose sight or am distracted from them.
my mind still is reeling from my internal rage. I am still furious at my lack of ability to do that which I feel i should do. my lack of understanding as to wha tto do now. This last week, i felt myself slipping, i know not for the exact reason why, but i know longer like getting up in the morning as much as i did. i find myself wishing more and more to got to bed and stay. to ignore the world and tell it to FUCK off. with my newfound lack ofdesire for a girlfriend or anything else of the nature in effect, i find myself blind as to my next set of long term goals. I do have a strange detail that i find rather interesting. I begining to think that you know what I am not that bad looking of a guy. and maybe i am not such a bad catch after all. and with that comes the realization that I can do better. the struggle is how do i hold off the flood that is coming. that i feel on the back of brain. this flood this seems more and more like a black hole of failure, depression, llack of motivation, and all around self destruction. I fear that all that i have worked on is about to crumble. the months of depression that may arise before i can get back into the cgear of life i feel I need to be in is going to destroy everything. I know this, bexcause it has happend again and agian. i also fear that this feeling comes from my fear of abandonment. something rather stupid, but to not admit the possibility would be to welcome the self destruction. I suspect that my counseler's decision to move me to two weeks instead of one, has caused me to lose confidence. this lack of confidence may be the crack in my walls. the crack that is allowing the pieces to fall out of place. Hoever i will not try to change things. I belive that i can handle myself without having the helpful anaylsis from my counsler once a week. like i said earlier, i just need to grow some balls.
A good day in purgatory...
hey long time no post lots of things have happend all good too.
i have ceased ll contact witha the girls as i feel that my relationship with them has been more of me using them than anything else since i dont really find them that fun to hang around (more of an annoyance really). i also made contact with an od, sort of dated her, then broke up with her. I actually had to ask for some help in doing so from my roomate. in the process of doing so my perspective on relationships has changed for the better. i realize now that I am not REALLY into bigger women so much as i fel they are easy. Due to this i relize that my ideas of sexual appeal are actually influenced greatly by my issues. Thus I have decided to cease all ideas of being in any relationship until i can learn EXACTLY what i want in a woman. my screen saver on my computer consists of women (and military tanks lol) that others would find attractive. i started this screen saver a while ago. I have noticed that over the last few weeks with this screensaver in effect, my personal tastes have evolved and grown to be what i feel to be more healthy. in other words the women i have picked on my screen saver (j-lo, jennifer aniston, and so on) Seem to be moore and more attractive to me. i wonder if this is a direct side effect of my mental status. either way I am not entirely sure. I do find it rather interesting that I know what others would find attractive, due to this I am begining to suspect that my knowledge of popular beauty is not actually coming from where i thought it did I think it actually stems from my own repressed sexual desire. any way moving on...
since i last spoke I was out of lamictal for two days. During this period, I realized just how much the small amount of the stuff i have been taking, has been affecting me. it has been a few days since i started it back up again. Since i started back up my mind has once again come into a sort of weak balance. Even though the balance is weak, I have noticed that as long as I follow through with certain patterns, I am able to strengthen it into a status I able to maintain to a certain degree. This status is hard to maintain, but even so it is by far a lot better than that of what I have dealt with in the past.
In the last three days, my roomate Adam, has become manic and back again. while he went manic I noticed a few similiarities between me and him. I also sadly noticed differences I did not like to find. Even though Adam has be medicated and in counseling longer than I have, it seems that when he blows his top in the same sort of manner i typically due about once a month, he is able to restrain himself less than I. I find this disconcerting as I have to look up to him in many aspects. I also realize that my usual motto when it comes to anything I struggle to accomplish applies to him also. The motto goes something like this "Rome was not built in a day" in other words, with any difficult goal there will be times when mistakes are made and you fall down. the point of this is to never give up and to not let your failures drag you down. at the same time I find it aggravating that I feel as though I am beginning to bridge the gap between my mental instability and Adam's.
Since my last post I have learned that much of my instability lies in the fact that I rely so heavily on my emotions to gauge the world around me. since I have learned this, I have been working on building a sort of mental filter to translate things that I feel are happening around me to what REALLY is happening around me. The developement of said filter is slow and difficult, but steady. I hope that eventually I will no longer need the help of my roomates to see reality for what it is. It is hard to gauge what I need from what I want, but every day I do things I normally dont want to do. The interesting fact is that once I typically begin something I dont want to do (like take out the dogs) I start to feel a satisfaction in doing it. I have even begun to do things that I feel I need to without my roomates asking me to do so.
I do find it annoying that I still lack the motivation to do most things unless I get some help from an outside source. I feel this is due to a lack of self esteem. As the more I try differnt things to make myself feel better as a person, the more I am able to do without quite so much internal struggle.
on a side note, my feelings towards my roomate Eve continue to serve as a source of measurement as to where I stand on my personal scale of extreme emotions. I was able to determine that i was becoming manic due to the fact that the day before I was massivly appreciating her assistance with my last girlfriend. but then suddenly I just wanted to strike out against someone and she happend to be around. After all that she has done for me, even though I could not feel that appreciation towards her at the time, i remebered feeling it. using that memory i was able to hold on to enough reality that I am hoping I was able to stem the flow of the psychotic rage i had felt. i am no longer naive enough to believe that I can stop my psychotic rage due to a few events that happend a few weeks ago (I ended up in the hospital when i was unable to direct that rage at something)
thus i am now trying to find a way to either trigger it or let out what ever needs to be let out before hand. the reason way I said let out what ever needs to be let out before hand has nothing really to do with irritation, as I feel that this psychotic rage is actually my depression. I struggle to allow myself the ability to deal with my sadness that occurs every now and then. so since I wont deal with my depression normally, I turn it to anger. I currently feel this is stupid and idiotic. my reason for doing these actions make no real sense and thus i am trying to fid a way around my barriers of denial. i am hoping that maybe once I figure this out, I might be able to tell Adam how to do the same. Considering Eve not that long ago was feeling like she and Adam were in the perfect place to begin to seriously try to start a family. but since the occurence of Adam's last blow up, she only feels hurt as her hopes were dashed. Thus in my opinion as long as things continue the way they are going, all Adam needs to do is long to deal with HIS rage differntly and both Adam and Eve will be ready for the next stage in their lives, and much happier for it. Why do i want to figure this skill out for Adam? because I am currently in a state of mind that I can realize that they have done much for me and maybe this make them as hapy as I have been becoming. This has ben another entry about the quest from hell to the heaven of mental stability.
i have ceased ll contact witha the girls as i feel that my relationship with them has been more of me using them than anything else since i dont really find them that fun to hang around (more of an annoyance really). i also made contact with an od, sort of dated her, then broke up with her. I actually had to ask for some help in doing so from my roomate. in the process of doing so my perspective on relationships has changed for the better. i realize now that I am not REALLY into bigger women so much as i fel they are easy. Due to this i relize that my ideas of sexual appeal are actually influenced greatly by my issues. Thus I have decided to cease all ideas of being in any relationship until i can learn EXACTLY what i want in a woman. my screen saver on my computer consists of women (and military tanks lol) that others would find attractive. i started this screen saver a while ago. I have noticed that over the last few weeks with this screensaver in effect, my personal tastes have evolved and grown to be what i feel to be more healthy. in other words the women i have picked on my screen saver (j-lo, jennifer aniston, and so on) Seem to be moore and more attractive to me. i wonder if this is a direct side effect of my mental status. either way I am not entirely sure. I do find it rather interesting that I know what others would find attractive, due to this I am begining to suspect that my knowledge of popular beauty is not actually coming from where i thought it did I think it actually stems from my own repressed sexual desire. any way moving on...
since i last spoke I was out of lamictal for two days. During this period, I realized just how much the small amount of the stuff i have been taking, has been affecting me. it has been a few days since i started it back up again. Since i started back up my mind has once again come into a sort of weak balance. Even though the balance is weak, I have noticed that as long as I follow through with certain patterns, I am able to strengthen it into a status I able to maintain to a certain degree. This status is hard to maintain, but even so it is by far a lot better than that of what I have dealt with in the past.
In the last three days, my roomate Adam, has become manic and back again. while he went manic I noticed a few similiarities between me and him. I also sadly noticed differences I did not like to find. Even though Adam has be medicated and in counseling longer than I have, it seems that when he blows his top in the same sort of manner i typically due about once a month, he is able to restrain himself less than I. I find this disconcerting as I have to look up to him in many aspects. I also realize that my usual motto when it comes to anything I struggle to accomplish applies to him also. The motto goes something like this "Rome was not built in a day" in other words, with any difficult goal there will be times when mistakes are made and you fall down. the point of this is to never give up and to not let your failures drag you down. at the same time I find it aggravating that I feel as though I am beginning to bridge the gap between my mental instability and Adam's.
Since my last post I have learned that much of my instability lies in the fact that I rely so heavily on my emotions to gauge the world around me. since I have learned this, I have been working on building a sort of mental filter to translate things that I feel are happening around me to what REALLY is happening around me. The developement of said filter is slow and difficult, but steady. I hope that eventually I will no longer need the help of my roomates to see reality for what it is. It is hard to gauge what I need from what I want, but every day I do things I normally dont want to do. The interesting fact is that once I typically begin something I dont want to do (like take out the dogs) I start to feel a satisfaction in doing it. I have even begun to do things that I feel I need to without my roomates asking me to do so.
I do find it annoying that I still lack the motivation to do most things unless I get some help from an outside source. I feel this is due to a lack of self esteem. As the more I try differnt things to make myself feel better as a person, the more I am able to do without quite so much internal struggle.
on a side note, my feelings towards my roomate Eve continue to serve as a source of measurement as to where I stand on my personal scale of extreme emotions. I was able to determine that i was becoming manic due to the fact that the day before I was massivly appreciating her assistance with my last girlfriend. but then suddenly I just wanted to strike out against someone and she happend to be around. After all that she has done for me, even though I could not feel that appreciation towards her at the time, i remebered feeling it. using that memory i was able to hold on to enough reality that I am hoping I was able to stem the flow of the psychotic rage i had felt. i am no longer naive enough to believe that I can stop my psychotic rage due to a few events that happend a few weeks ago (I ended up in the hospital when i was unable to direct that rage at something)
thus i am now trying to find a way to either trigger it or let out what ever needs to be let out before hand. the reason way I said let out what ever needs to be let out before hand has nothing really to do with irritation, as I feel that this psychotic rage is actually my depression. I struggle to allow myself the ability to deal with my sadness that occurs every now and then. so since I wont deal with my depression normally, I turn it to anger. I currently feel this is stupid and idiotic. my reason for doing these actions make no real sense and thus i am trying to fid a way around my barriers of denial. i am hoping that maybe once I figure this out, I might be able to tell Adam how to do the same. Considering Eve not that long ago was feeling like she and Adam were in the perfect place to begin to seriously try to start a family. but since the occurence of Adam's last blow up, she only feels hurt as her hopes were dashed. Thus in my opinion as long as things continue the way they are going, all Adam needs to do is long to deal with HIS rage differntly and both Adam and Eve will be ready for the next stage in their lives, and much happier for it. Why do i want to figure this skill out for Adam? because I am currently in a state of mind that I can realize that they have done much for me and maybe this make them as hapy as I have been becoming. This has ben another entry about the quest from hell to the heaven of mental stability.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
do you really want to have a title?ok how about : DARK DAY
i am so depressed.... i tired imim everything i wasnt to cry. I dont know why, and I dont really care. Im just tired. why do i have to geal with this i know that god has a plan and that i am supposed to deal with this, but to be honest I hope the plan is big, cause otherwise . . . I dont know but this sucks. mood swings that are so powerful i land in the hospital but not for a mental reason but because i think I sent mys4elf into a heart attack....OH JOY!. good news. i am cuting ties with all potential temptation whe it comes to bad women. still... questions should be answered.... WHY would anyone with out issues hang out with me. i haave no job, i serve no purpose. I dont understand my whole world makes no sense. I aso tired of this I so so so tired of this. even on here i mope and i ramble no one gives a shit i would love a comment even if it was some asshole doing it. at least someone cared to leave a mark. i doknt know. eright now I want to find a woman to fall into her arms and ball, but i cant do that that just makes me worse. But maybe i could try to divert my depression by checking out some freaky porn. but no i think that makes me worse too. and so i am left with "dealing" which doesnt not allieviate anything. ... (tiny letters) yay......(regular letters) if i was with my counseler right now, i would describe the random ideas that go through my head. death by literally carving out my heart so maybe it would stop hurting, fiding a hot rod to pierce through my arm. cutting of my hand and cooking it. I mean this is real fun shit to have in your head! REAL FUCKING FUN NOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!! i just want to lay in down on a lap and be told everythings going to be ok, by soeone I could belive it from.................... sadly i cant think of anyone that i could believe it from, other than Eve. who i hapen to have wanted to kill earlier today. god why? WHY WHY WHY WHYYY! a car, a meteor. a muging, don't care but end it! fuck this i am going to go and try to get some sleep.............
darkness lies in the deep
fail goals swim like sharks below
your boat lanced with holes of doubt
still you paddle on through the fog
north, east, south west,
each direction its on prize
but only one gives life
raising your hand you wipe away the rain
only to be blinded again and again by the water unfallen
light flashes through the fog
twinkling like fallen dreams
showing the way for just a momment
before vanishing thanks to misjudged betrayal
leaving the only light steady
the burning blaze from within
as it flares so does the steam from the water
as it dies down so does memories gold go
yes, now you understand.
in this fog where you cannot see
you might begin to feel what it is like to be....
Me
gnight
darkness lies in the deep
fail goals swim like sharks below
your boat lanced with holes of doubt
still you paddle on through the fog
north, east, south west,
each direction its on prize
but only one gives life
raising your hand you wipe away the rain
only to be blinded again and again by the water unfallen
light flashes through the fog
twinkling like fallen dreams
showing the way for just a momment
before vanishing thanks to misjudged betrayal
leaving the only light steady
the burning blaze from within
as it flares so does the steam from the water
as it dies down so does memories gold go
yes, now you understand.
in this fog where you cannot see
you might begin to feel what it is like to be....
Me
gnight
Sunday, April 17, 2011
sunday april 17, 2011
I have been feeling my lovy dovy mode comong on for a while, i have been fighting it away, byt trying to spend time with friends doing friend type of things. it has been working greeat so far. But then earlier today when i went for a LONG walk with eve, we started talking about htings. ihad told her i wanted to start looking for someone to be with, someone nice and for once decent for me. she still thinks its a bad idea with all the issues I have. i think she is right. but to be honest i am so tired of dealing with issues on my own. she didnt understand what i meant when i mentioned that. i had to explain, that when i am feeling really bad, i cant go to her. and she said wwhy not im your friend arent i?
yes you are, but, when someone holds me or anything when i am feeling down, i get an emotional attachment to them, which can causes massive problems for us
she didnt understand, but after a while, i convinced her and got her to understand. she still thinks that me being with someone is a bad idea. i cant really disagree, but at the same time, i reeally cant stand this anymore, i am tired of feeling suicidal and depressed and having no one to really go to that can help me through it. Ont top of that I am tired of watching adam go through similiar problems but yet having somoene to lean on. mean while i cant. god it pisses me off. anyway i im about to completly lose it and start balling but my room mate doesnt know icause i am makeing light of the situation instead of telling her. i know I am not gong to blow up so there is no real point in inform her cause like i said i cant go to her really for any REAL healing. Yay me
yes you are, but, when someone holds me or anything when i am feeling down, i get an emotional attachment to them, which can causes massive problems for us
she didnt understand, but after a while, i convinced her and got her to understand. she still thinks that me being with someone is a bad idea. i cant really disagree, but at the same time, i reeally cant stand this anymore, i am tired of feeling suicidal and depressed and having no one to really go to that can help me through it. Ont top of that I am tired of watching adam go through similiar problems but yet having somoene to lean on. mean while i cant. god it pisses me off. anyway i im about to completly lose it and start balling but my room mate doesnt know icause i am makeing light of the situation instead of telling her. i know I am not gong to blow up so there is no real point in inform her cause like i said i cant go to her really for any REAL healing. Yay me
Thursday, April 14, 2011
thursday, april 14 2011
feeling pretty good to day, feeling somewhat normal. my patience for idiocity is low. i have no idea what mode im in. but i actually brushed my teeth, my hair, and taken a shower, whearing some cologne and also put on deo. I am doing rather good I think lol! anyway i think i will post more later.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
wednesday, april 13
it has been a while, i have gone through several modes, at one point I had plenty of energy, for one week i felt i could do anything, but i couldnt focus on crap. Iwas everywhere. At least i was somewhat helpful to my roomates adam and eve. I slept for only four hours a day, andi was up through the night so i could wake adam up for his new job. the guy can be annoying. he doesnt have any real reason to be up three hours before work, but he does it anyway. Crap, i probably need to go through the whole thought process thing...
I have noticed that many of my thoughts have been influenced by things of the past. stuff my parents did and so forth. However I also realised that the way I was thinking then (and still do now) made such event in past een worse than thy really were. I can never seem to percieve things the way they really are. I stilol feel however that I am getting better at it. i a aware that my judgement is largly influenced by my emotions, and that my emotions seem to go through these phases or "modes". One mode may be influenced by depression through lonliness or sexual frustration, or simply feeling ill, intersting enough these emotions can cause me to enter a "lovy dovy touchy feely" mode. this mode makes it rather difficult to resist certain urges when concerning eve. i typically want to touch her. Obviously this is a bad idea, considering she is married to adam. So I try to resist the urge, evetually it gets so strong that I tend to be unable to resist it aymore, so instead of doing something incredibly stupid, i do something only somewhat stupid (lol) I give her massages. this is still stupid, because while i am giving her a massage, i am doing a great job of giving myself a mind fuck from hell. I have to continously control how much I allow this "mode" to affect me, since I can no longer stop it at this point (my inability to stop it stems from my altered desire to do so, in other words i dont really fully want to stop it, which to me makes no real sense at all.....). while i am in this mode the battle within consists of my strong desire to be close to a female companion I care much about. Why do I want to be close to a companion of this nature. Simple, for some reason I have this weird thing wired in my head that the only way to feel better about these times when i am depressed or whatever is to be near someone else who can take care of me. You begining to understand the mind fuck here? I do the massages and things to stall out the mode until it passes on its own. the reason i do massages to stall, is because it keeps this "mode" of me thinking that eventually i will get what i truly desire, the nurture aspect of a person that would be a hybrid of to classification of relationship, mother and wife. when i say it is a hybrid, I damn well mean a hybrid. I am well aware that the images and thus deisres that come into my head at this time ar not normal. if anyone else where to see the things that influenceds my ages, the images in my head. they would see a mother doing some very fucked up incestual things to a young man.
Another mode I enter, is one of aggresion or "asshole mode" typically this occurs when I am depressed, angry with my self, sexually frustrated and I WONT allow the other mode to take over, or have run low on my stress mangement skills. in this mode, I seem to feel that everyone is accusing me of something, everyone is using me, im genrally just plain paranoid. one thing one person can say, well come across to me ENTIRELY different. also in this mode, i am not only on the defensive, but more than that, i am on the offensive, I want to take anyone down a notch or two. ok honestl, thats a lie, my desire is to tear someone apart, either physically, mentally, or spiritually. However i do my best once again while in this mode to resist and control wheer i can. instead of trearing someone apart physically, Istay away from them, instead of trying to obliterate someone's brain, i typically try to have fun with someone instead. instead of trying to tear someone down spiritually (corrupt them) i keep my mouth shut and stay away from morally challenging issues. What makes things worse sis that while in this mode, certain things i hought I would have let go and not gave a shit about, seems to pop into my memory. but for some reason are never fully or poperly remebered. so lil shit that bugs me now bugs me a LOT. espeacially since I try to remeber what ticked me off in the first place, and my brain hits paritial broken memories and half createed ones. its like resideing in the mind of some really crazy fucked up demon.
my final mode for today, is only patially figured out to any extent. there are times when my emotions shut down completely. usually times of extreme stress or unexpected sudden and large changes can shoot me into this. There are times I have gone into it and I dont know how. but with my emotions sut down, my brain is able to think a lot better. my memory serves me better. my cumminacative abilites work better. in fact if I were to make a call on what mode im in currently, this would be the one. everything seems ideal, but while in this mode my thinking may be better, but that is only what it seems. I am not totally sure there is any real differnce. however wether there is a differnce or not, there is one thing I am sure of. while I am in this mode, focus is hard to achieve. my brain is able to tackle challenges, but only for a short time am I able to put forth effort towards it. mean while my brain typically anders to other things, trying to tackle FAR more challenges than I possibly can, its like I know i only have this mode for a while, and then suddenly it will be gone. so I try to do ar too much when i am like this. this mode can sometimes interchange with others. like with ass hole mode,or another mode where i am excseviely happy and dont give a shit what other people think. if i see something I typically have to resist the urge to point it out, but when i do, its like there is no mental word from brain to mouth filter. well actually that pretty much somes that mode up. I would have to call it "hyper" mode. any way. when I am in the non emotional mode, I am able to get things done at least mentally, it all depends on my energy level when it happens.
Well I think i about covered it for the lil leaps in mental deconstruction for today. i would like to inform you now of how my life has actually been going. i am still haveing difficulty figuring out what exactly I am doing with sara. I feel guilty because I feel like I amusing her for sex and money but I am not entirely sure I am really being that much of a dick. I try to give her advice, and to help where i can. I think my continued desire to be with her in any sort of way, is because of my lack of STRONG emotion for her. I can think! in previous relationships, I couldn''t hink at all. I couldn't find a point of stabilization with the other person, because I was always reading them with my emotions bluring the lines so horibly that they never actually stayed where they should. in other words. i saw the person entirly differntly than who they were. with sara i feel no real strong emotional attachment. i care about her as a friend, or rather maybe as some one to soimply care about. but nothing so strong that I cant see who she is. she is a complete idiot and retard, she is rather unattactive, and she is irresonsible and a liar. these are things i am always aware of. while with others i can pinpoint their negative points, but I can never see them all at the same time. even though i am aware of all of sara's negative points. i am also aware of her major good one. She is very compassionate.
my time is up for today. more on the life of a crazy guy in later posts, thank you and goodnight !!!!!!
I have noticed that many of my thoughts have been influenced by things of the past. stuff my parents did and so forth. However I also realised that the way I was thinking then (and still do now) made such event in past een worse than thy really were. I can never seem to percieve things the way they really are. I stilol feel however that I am getting better at it. i a aware that my judgement is largly influenced by my emotions, and that my emotions seem to go through these phases or "modes". One mode may be influenced by depression through lonliness or sexual frustration, or simply feeling ill, intersting enough these emotions can cause me to enter a "lovy dovy touchy feely" mode. this mode makes it rather difficult to resist certain urges when concerning eve. i typically want to touch her. Obviously this is a bad idea, considering she is married to adam. So I try to resist the urge, evetually it gets so strong that I tend to be unable to resist it aymore, so instead of doing something incredibly stupid, i do something only somewhat stupid (lol) I give her massages. this is still stupid, because while i am giving her a massage, i am doing a great job of giving myself a mind fuck from hell. I have to continously control how much I allow this "mode" to affect me, since I can no longer stop it at this point (my inability to stop it stems from my altered desire to do so, in other words i dont really fully want to stop it, which to me makes no real sense at all.....). while i am in this mode the battle within consists of my strong desire to be close to a female companion I care much about. Why do I want to be close to a companion of this nature. Simple, for some reason I have this weird thing wired in my head that the only way to feel better about these times when i am depressed or whatever is to be near someone else who can take care of me. You begining to understand the mind fuck here? I do the massages and things to stall out the mode until it passes on its own. the reason i do massages to stall, is because it keeps this "mode" of me thinking that eventually i will get what i truly desire, the nurture aspect of a person that would be a hybrid of to classification of relationship, mother and wife. when i say it is a hybrid, I damn well mean a hybrid. I am well aware that the images and thus deisres that come into my head at this time ar not normal. if anyone else where to see the things that influenceds my ages, the images in my head. they would see a mother doing some very fucked up incestual things to a young man.
Another mode I enter, is one of aggresion or "asshole mode" typically this occurs when I am depressed, angry with my self, sexually frustrated and I WONT allow the other mode to take over, or have run low on my stress mangement skills. in this mode, I seem to feel that everyone is accusing me of something, everyone is using me, im genrally just plain paranoid. one thing one person can say, well come across to me ENTIRELY different. also in this mode, i am not only on the defensive, but more than that, i am on the offensive, I want to take anyone down a notch or two. ok honestl, thats a lie, my desire is to tear someone apart, either physically, mentally, or spiritually. However i do my best once again while in this mode to resist and control wheer i can. instead of trearing someone apart physically, Istay away from them, instead of trying to obliterate someone's brain, i typically try to have fun with someone instead. instead of trying to tear someone down spiritually (corrupt them) i keep my mouth shut and stay away from morally challenging issues. What makes things worse sis that while in this mode, certain things i hought I would have let go and not gave a shit about, seems to pop into my memory. but for some reason are never fully or poperly remebered. so lil shit that bugs me now bugs me a LOT. espeacially since I try to remeber what ticked me off in the first place, and my brain hits paritial broken memories and half createed ones. its like resideing in the mind of some really crazy fucked up demon.
my final mode for today, is only patially figured out to any extent. there are times when my emotions shut down completely. usually times of extreme stress or unexpected sudden and large changes can shoot me into this. There are times I have gone into it and I dont know how. but with my emotions sut down, my brain is able to think a lot better. my memory serves me better. my cumminacative abilites work better. in fact if I were to make a call on what mode im in currently, this would be the one. everything seems ideal, but while in this mode my thinking may be better, but that is only what it seems. I am not totally sure there is any real differnce. however wether there is a differnce or not, there is one thing I am sure of. while I am in this mode, focus is hard to achieve. my brain is able to tackle challenges, but only for a short time am I able to put forth effort towards it. mean while my brain typically anders to other things, trying to tackle FAR more challenges than I possibly can, its like I know i only have this mode for a while, and then suddenly it will be gone. so I try to do ar too much when i am like this. this mode can sometimes interchange with others. like with ass hole mode,or another mode where i am excseviely happy and dont give a shit what other people think. if i see something I typically have to resist the urge to point it out, but when i do, its like there is no mental word from brain to mouth filter. well actually that pretty much somes that mode up. I would have to call it "hyper" mode. any way. when I am in the non emotional mode, I am able to get things done at least mentally, it all depends on my energy level when it happens.
Well I think i about covered it for the lil leaps in mental deconstruction for today. i would like to inform you now of how my life has actually been going. i am still haveing difficulty figuring out what exactly I am doing with sara. I feel guilty because I feel like I amusing her for sex and money but I am not entirely sure I am really being that much of a dick. I try to give her advice, and to help where i can. I think my continued desire to be with her in any sort of way, is because of my lack of STRONG emotion for her. I can think! in previous relationships, I couldn''t hink at all. I couldn't find a point of stabilization with the other person, because I was always reading them with my emotions bluring the lines so horibly that they never actually stayed where they should. in other words. i saw the person entirly differntly than who they were. with sara i feel no real strong emotional attachment. i care about her as a friend, or rather maybe as some one to soimply care about. but nothing so strong that I cant see who she is. she is a complete idiot and retard, she is rather unattactive, and she is irresonsible and a liar. these are things i am always aware of. while with others i can pinpoint their negative points, but I can never see them all at the same time. even though i am aware of all of sara's negative points. i am also aware of her major good one. She is very compassionate.
my time is up for today. more on the life of a crazy guy in later posts, thank you and goodnight !!!!!!
some old poetry about acceptance and change...
every night I look into the sky
put my hands on either side of my eyes
and wait for the hidden lights to shine
I think of the ebb and flow of time
at one time I tried to conquer the impossible
questioning all things possible
I have learned that my view is jaded
I can not see the things that are shaded
upon accepting this
I have found a kind of bliss
I dont need to know everything
knowing that I will always know nothing
sheds boulders off my back
I can not predict every attack
i can not change inevitable
here is no need to steal all things covetable
for now i am here
change is not something to fear
you cant stop the boulder from rolling down the mountain
but you can change it s direction like a fountain
dealing with what I can
makes me realize I am simply a man
tomorrow may never come
this concerns some
id rather enjoy the day
anticipate the ripples i make while I stay
then drown in sorrow and despair
this for now seems fair
good can be bad
joy can be sad
so I concern myself with only myself
and put my worries on the highest shelf
this I think about while staring int to the sky
with each hand on either side of my eyes
when i think of the beautiful night
I know deep down, everything will be alright
put my hands on either side of my eyes
and wait for the hidden lights to shine
I think of the ebb and flow of time
at one time I tried to conquer the impossible
questioning all things possible
I have learned that my view is jaded
I can not see the things that are shaded
upon accepting this
I have found a kind of bliss
I dont need to know everything
knowing that I will always know nothing
sheds boulders off my back
I can not predict every attack
i can not change inevitable
here is no need to steal all things covetable
for now i am here
change is not something to fear
you cant stop the boulder from rolling down the mountain
but you can change it s direction like a fountain
dealing with what I can
makes me realize I am simply a man
tomorrow may never come
this concerns some
id rather enjoy the day
anticipate the ripples i make while I stay
then drown in sorrow and despair
this for now seems fair
good can be bad
joy can be sad
so I concern myself with only myself
and put my worries on the highest shelf
this I think about while staring int to the sky
with each hand on either side of my eyes
when i think of the beautiful night
I know deep down, everything will be alright
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
tuesday, march 29
my other room mate asked me a couple of innocent questions the other day. I tried to not fly off the handle but it sounded like he was accusing me. i do nott know what he was accusing me of, but it didnt matter. after stopping and thinking about it, I realised that either a: my parents used to start their 4-5 hour long yelling fests at us kids by asking what seemed to be innnocent questions. or b: I always assumed that they werent innocent questions. I am pushing for a.
once again I am changing, this time into almost a lil kid like persona. i am depressed i want love, and i want atention. but at the drop of a hat I will throw a fit. being sick helps on some levels, and on other it just seems to make things worse. being sick i am trying to leave my roomates alone because i dont want them sick at the same time, it is making my depression and persona issues seem to be more pronounced. for one thing, thanks to me being sick i want sex all the time now.
I know you must be asking yourself, why would a single guy with no girl friend want sex all the time when he is sick? well, when I was married to my ex, the most amount of love and affection she would give me, was during sex, so when i feel like shit. i want sex. At least that is the trained response. its a lil hard to get rid of after 5 years of marriage. but I am on my way of getting that fixed, I have been divorced for two years after all.
anyway back to my male roomates innocent questions. the day before that and that current day I had been being a lil more paranoid than normal. (understatement of century) i just thought i would mention that. my head cant seem to think real clearly lately. I typicaly have to stop midsentence a lot and reasses what i was going to ssay simply because the words dissapeared from my mind. Not the meaning just the words which is really annoying. Eve and Adam's relationship seems to be doing wonderful. they usually have lots of arguments and things. but lately they dont. which really kind of sucks in an evil way. i guess i always secretly hoped that Eve would tire of Adam and come to me. but hey, one thats nuts cause half the time i hate her, and two, she has already made it pretty clear that I have far more isues than Adam. which really stings. i was once the one trying to teaach him stuff to help their relationship. and now i dont know anymore. I sometimes wonder if living with this guys is such a great i dea. i cant stand being around them when they are together, cause it just serves to remind me of how lonely I am. I wish i had a good woman. not some chicka i have occasional sex with either. but someone to challenge me, someone that I find truly attractive, not just body but heart and mind as well. but hey! What intelligent, decent looking, compassionate woman is going to get invlolved with me? I have terrible memory, I cant seem to do the most basic of living skills (i.e. cleaning up after one self or batheing) i have a horrible self esteem (that just causes massive confidince issues which means even if there were a woman who would come get me, I would find some way to sabotage the relations ship) and so on!
Ah well, the life of insane man sucks!
once again I am changing, this time into almost a lil kid like persona. i am depressed i want love, and i want atention. but at the drop of a hat I will throw a fit. being sick helps on some levels, and on other it just seems to make things worse. being sick i am trying to leave my roomates alone because i dont want them sick at the same time, it is making my depression and persona issues seem to be more pronounced. for one thing, thanks to me being sick i want sex all the time now.
I know you must be asking yourself, why would a single guy with no girl friend want sex all the time when he is sick? well, when I was married to my ex, the most amount of love and affection she would give me, was during sex, so when i feel like shit. i want sex. At least that is the trained response. its a lil hard to get rid of after 5 years of marriage. but I am on my way of getting that fixed, I have been divorced for two years after all.
anyway back to my male roomates innocent questions. the day before that and that current day I had been being a lil more paranoid than normal. (understatement of century) i just thought i would mention that. my head cant seem to think real clearly lately. I typicaly have to stop midsentence a lot and reasses what i was going to ssay simply because the words dissapeared from my mind. Not the meaning just the words which is really annoying. Eve and Adam's relationship seems to be doing wonderful. they usually have lots of arguments and things. but lately they dont. which really kind of sucks in an evil way. i guess i always secretly hoped that Eve would tire of Adam and come to me. but hey, one thats nuts cause half the time i hate her, and two, she has already made it pretty clear that I have far more isues than Adam. which really stings. i was once the one trying to teaach him stuff to help their relationship. and now i dont know anymore. I sometimes wonder if living with this guys is such a great i dea. i cant stand being around them when they are together, cause it just serves to remind me of how lonely I am. I wish i had a good woman. not some chicka i have occasional sex with either. but someone to challenge me, someone that I find truly attractive, not just body but heart and mind as well. but hey! What intelligent, decent looking, compassionate woman is going to get invlolved with me? I have terrible memory, I cant seem to do the most basic of living skills (i.e. cleaning up after one self or batheing) i have a horrible self esteem (that just causes massive confidince issues which means even if there were a woman who would come get me, I would find some way to sabotage the relations ship) and so on!
Ah well, the life of insane man sucks!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
art update.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
march 22, 2011
i feel like I am changin, I have been getting memories coming unbidden to the surface. They are from a year ago, when i was living on my own. going outside to enjoy a smoke while enjoying the sunrise. I continue to believe that many of my problems come from the change of seasons. anyway onward.
two days ago i had a massive bout of depression. I ended up curling into a ball with agony. when i feel intense emotions, i tend to actualy FEEL them. and with depression my chest felt like it was burning. my mind was filled with thoughts of lonliness and literal fire. i think the reason why is because i this girl i became friends with and been having some fun with, has not been satisfying me as much as i would like. I always thought that when i had strong feeling for my room mate Eve, that it was because i was depressed or something and just wanted anybody. However, now I am certain that is not quite the case. Which really sucks because she is married to my other room mate Adam. so, sadly there is no way i could be with her. on top of that what really adds to the frustration, is the fact that she used to like me more than friends. and Adam had no problem with that for some reason. the reason behind his reasoning always has been a subject of some confusion. but anyway while I was in the bout of depression all i wanted was to have eve hold me or touch in some way. nothing sexual either
(Perves :P) the only thing i could do was lie next to the couch she was sleeping in. That was two day ago.
I still struggle with my memory so all i can say at this point is that I am currently watching a romantic comedy anime, with the occasional fight scen on netflix called sekeira or something. fun stuff. more later.
two days ago i had a massive bout of depression. I ended up curling into a ball with agony. when i feel intense emotions, i tend to actualy FEEL them. and with depression my chest felt like it was burning. my mind was filled with thoughts of lonliness and literal fire. i think the reason why is because i this girl i became friends with and been having some fun with, has not been satisfying me as much as i would like. I always thought that when i had strong feeling for my room mate Eve, that it was because i was depressed or something and just wanted anybody. However, now I am certain that is not quite the case. Which really sucks because she is married to my other room mate Adam. so, sadly there is no way i could be with her. on top of that what really adds to the frustration, is the fact that she used to like me more than friends. and Adam had no problem with that for some reason. the reason behind his reasoning always has been a subject of some confusion. but anyway while I was in the bout of depression all i wanted was to have eve hold me or touch in some way. nothing sexual either
(Perves :P) the only thing i could do was lie next to the couch she was sleeping in. That was two day ago.
I still struggle with my memory so all i can say at this point is that I am currently watching a romantic comedy anime, with the occasional fight scen on netflix called sekeira or something. fun stuff. more later.
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