starting to feel a lot better, but i am seriously concerned about the rabbit hole as i call it, it is always right there next to me waiting to pull me in. I am struggling to mainain the control i have achieved. i have le3arned that the biggest reason why i wanted to moce out away from my roomates has to do with confusions and denial. confusion over how i was feeling towards eve and denial towards how i was feeling towards my bro. I realize now that my brother is the main cause of my freakout not like he caused in acuality but more like he was the straw the broke my back kind of thing. he is currently residing in my space, and without my space I find it hard to recuperate or pull brain together when it begins to fragment. as for my confusion towards evette, i think that just boils down to me being lonely as all fuck all the time and it makes it really bad when my depression hits like a tidal wave to the balls. my conclusions?
i think I need to kick bro out, and i think i need to start looking for some kind of temparay solution or something to my lonliness problem. if i could hook up with someone over the internet in this are it would be nice a friends with benefits thing would be fucking perfect but sadly that gets a little hard to achieve. I want a relationship but find that I am in a position in my life where i realize that that is not quite such a good idea for the other person and myself. If i could be proven by all freaking means do so.
I have also had a suspicsion of mine hit me in the face and I am hoping it to be eiher untrue or misguided....... anyway, i sometimes wonder if i am telling everything I need to be to my counselor so that he can best assist me..... but I dont know what to tell him really.... i am kind of confused on the subject sooooooooo-movingon
i have begun making music again, i am hoping to eventually create some rad shit to possibly get aired somewhere but I dont know yet/.
it would be awesome to learn or get the ability to create awesome techno like right on the freaking spot so i could go to bars around here and produce some sick shit!
dreams dreams hoipes and dreams with me they change like the fricking anyway i have knond of run out of things to say at the momment talk later bye now!
