i dont know if its a good idea or not but at the same time well....
heres the problem
i am dealing with a lot of problems on my own, lots of stress that i cause on myself. and now I have my eldest brother here with me. and he is going through some troubled times. I dont want to be a dick. but i cant handle this shit. i cant handle someone else going through depression and bipolar shit right in front of me all the time. In my space. my safe zone has been permenantly invaded. then there is some other facts i cant seem to get out of my head. I have become so obsessed with eve that i have been taking pictures of her whenever i can, whenever I am feeling down. wether she is sleeping or nude or swimming it doesnt matter. On top of it i cant stop imagining what things would be like if i was WITH her. even if it was a poligimous relationship, and the image keep getting better and better so much that I dont WANT to push them out of my brain they have almost become comforting. and yet she sees my as a "dorky asexual brother" which slices through these ideas. while my brother is getting help from her i cant help myself feeling like "why wouldnt she do this or that with me?" even though i know that it is inaccurate and fucked up. i cant stand it anymore.
so in conclusion, I am starting to think I should leave. move someplace near by. i just dont know. i am so tired of being lonely. i am so tired of everything. when i think on it much, it starts to really hurt. everyday it seems now somethign spikes in me, some deep emotional pain. i am begining to think it has more to do with the fact that I "feel" like i am in love with a woman i can never have and I cant stand it anymore. i will never get rid of the lonliness on my own but at the same time... i wont get rid of it here either. plus I have reached a point that if I do decide to die... maybe i can go someplace better, maybe god will understand the struggles i am going through the time i am having the problems i am having the thoughts i am dealing with.
I just wish i could get a decent woman, a nice lady like eve, but i dont think i can, i dont think i will anymore. who would put up with me and not have lots of issues themselves/. they are out there, but its not like I am going to be able to meet them sitting in a house all the time,. only going out when my anxiety doesnt bother me too bad... i just wiwsh there was a quick fix i wish there was something that would truly motivating my to LIVE, and not just this compulsion to survive not even a true desire more of a fear that something else could be waiting for me that is worse. otherwise, if I thought i would just go to sleep or if i would go to some purgatory or heaven (like i would desever heaven HA), i would be dead by now...GARUNTEED!
been trying to get a hold of the counselor days ago but life seems to be conspiring against me phone died.
then redied then redied. it got wet it took me a while to dry it out enough to work. but sadly it didnt do me any good really, tomorrow I am supposed to see him. but the car took a dump and now we cant. and now i am fucked......
truly fucked probably before the next time i see him
totally fucked......
