this is an entry I made when my net was down it occurs somewhere between the last post and the post before that, I am sorry i can not give an official date as doing this entry i was not in any sort of balance. But it does give an example of how my perspectives can change so easily when enraged.
if I actually did post this at some point, Please forgive the double post.
i am so pissed right now, eve and adam just had a fight. adam was looking for something important and eve was being blamed for it being lost. Odds are it wasnt her fault, but still i find that her not helping was just like the time she wouldnt help me find something. i am just so pised i dont know what to do. according to the things i have learned in the recent weeks, iu should be trying to find some way to deal with it, but i cant think of anything other than typing this out. I am frustrated not just at eve and adam. but more so with my slef. recently i found an friend that i think i manipulated into haveing a sexual experince with. looking back on it now, i realize that what i had done i had done in a the wrong frame of mind and now i regret it. whats interesting to me is the fact that I thought somewhere in my brain that it was needed
that the experience was needed for some reason. and the more i think about it. the more i believe that maybe i was right. because now i understand that i really should be single. and that I dont need anyone. that I need to grow a pair of balls. i have the power to deal with my problems. I have the ability to be happy. Without anyone else. The only problem with this realization is that I know that it is tempary. i need to leave a lasting mark in my lfe so that when my beliefs begin to shift like they tend to do, i will be able to look upon that, and see where my shifted beliefs are wrong. the last time i came to this concluion i believed that i had to leave a scar on my life, something bad to remind me. this time however, somewhere inside i believe i can mitigate damges caused, and leave a more positive thought process behind. maybe i have already been scarred. maybe that is why i believe that something more positive and permenant can be left behind. i dont know yet what it is. but i feel the pieces in my mind shifting into place here and there, hopefully i will find it before i lose sight or am distracted from them.
my mind still is reeling from my internal rage. I am still furious at my lack of ability to do that which I feel i should do. my lack of understanding as to wha tto do now. This last week, i felt myself slipping, i know not for the exact reason why, but i know longer like getting up in the morning as much as i did. i find myself wishing more and more to got to bed and stay. to ignore the world and tell it to FUCK off. with my newfound lack ofdesire for a girlfriend or anything else of the nature in effect, i find myself blind as to my next set of long term goals. I do have a strange detail that i find rather interesting. I begining to think that you know what I am not that bad looking of a guy. and maybe i am not such a bad catch after all. and with that comes the realization that I can do better. the struggle is how do i hold off the flood that is coming. that i feel on the back of brain. this flood this seems more and more like a black hole of failure, depression, llack of motivation, and all around self destruction. I fear that all that i have worked on is about to crumble. the months of depression that may arise before i can get back into the cgear of life i feel I need to be in is going to destroy everything. I know this, bexcause it has happend again and agian. i also fear that this feeling comes from my fear of abandonment. something rather stupid, but to not admit the possibility would be to welcome the self destruction. I suspect that my counseler's decision to move me to two weeks instead of one, has caused me to lose confidence. this lack of confidence may be the crack in my walls. the crack that is allowing the pieces to fall out of place. Hoever i will not try to change things. I belive that i can handle myself without having the helpful anaylsis from my counsler once a week. like i said earlier, i just need to grow some balls.
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