hey long time no post lots of things have happend all good too.
i have ceased ll contact witha the girls as i feel that my relationship with them has been more of me using them than anything else since i dont really find them that fun to hang around (more of an annoyance really). i also made contact with an od, sort of dated her, then broke up with her. I actually had to ask for some help in doing so from my roomate. in the process of doing so my perspective on relationships has changed for the better. i realize now that I am not REALLY into bigger women so much as i fel they are easy. Due to this i relize that my ideas of sexual appeal are actually influenced greatly by my issues. Thus I have decided to cease all ideas of being in any relationship until i can learn EXACTLY what i want in a woman. my screen saver on my computer consists of women (and military tanks lol) that others would find attractive. i started this screen saver a while ago. I have noticed that over the last few weeks with this screensaver in effect, my personal tastes have evolved and grown to be what i feel to be more healthy. in other words the women i have picked on my screen saver (j-lo, jennifer aniston, and so on) Seem to be moore and more attractive to me. i wonder if this is a direct side effect of my mental status. either way I am not entirely sure. I do find it rather interesting that I know what others would find attractive, due to this I am begining to suspect that my knowledge of popular beauty is not actually coming from where i thought it did I think it actually stems from my own repressed sexual desire. any way moving on...
since i last spoke I was out of lamictal for two days. During this period, I realized just how much the small amount of the stuff i have been taking, has been affecting me. it has been a few days since i started it back up again. Since i started back up my mind has once again come into a sort of weak balance. Even though the balance is weak, I have noticed that as long as I follow through with certain patterns, I am able to strengthen it into a status I able to maintain to a certain degree. This status is hard to maintain, but even so it is by far a lot better than that of what I have dealt with in the past.
In the last three days, my roomate Adam, has become manic and back again. while he went manic I noticed a few similiarities between me and him. I also sadly noticed differences I did not like to find. Even though Adam has be medicated and in counseling longer than I have, it seems that when he blows his top in the same sort of manner i typically due about once a month, he is able to restrain himself less than I. I find this disconcerting as I have to look up to him in many aspects. I also realize that my usual motto when it comes to anything I struggle to accomplish applies to him also. The motto goes something like this "Rome was not built in a day" in other words, with any difficult goal there will be times when mistakes are made and you fall down. the point of this is to never give up and to not let your failures drag you down. at the same time I find it aggravating that I feel as though I am beginning to bridge the gap between my mental instability and Adam's.
Since my last post I have learned that much of my instability lies in the fact that I rely so heavily on my emotions to gauge the world around me. since I have learned this, I have been working on building a sort of mental filter to translate things that I feel are happening around me to what REALLY is happening around me. The developement of said filter is slow and difficult, but steady. I hope that eventually I will no longer need the help of my roomates to see reality for what it is. It is hard to gauge what I need from what I want, but every day I do things I normally dont want to do. The interesting fact is that once I typically begin something I dont want to do (like take out the dogs) I start to feel a satisfaction in doing it. I have even begun to do things that I feel I need to without my roomates asking me to do so.
I do find it annoying that I still lack the motivation to do most things unless I get some help from an outside source. I feel this is due to a lack of self esteem. As the more I try differnt things to make myself feel better as a person, the more I am able to do without quite so much internal struggle.
on a side note, my feelings towards my roomate Eve continue to serve as a source of measurement as to where I stand on my personal scale of extreme emotions. I was able to determine that i was becoming manic due to the fact that the day before I was massivly appreciating her assistance with my last girlfriend. but then suddenly I just wanted to strike out against someone and she happend to be around. After all that she has done for me, even though I could not feel that appreciation towards her at the time, i remebered feeling it. using that memory i was able to hold on to enough reality that I am hoping I was able to stem the flow of the psychotic rage i had felt. i am no longer naive enough to believe that I can stop my psychotic rage due to a few events that happend a few weeks ago (I ended up in the hospital when i was unable to direct that rage at something)
thus i am now trying to find a way to either trigger it or let out what ever needs to be let out before hand. the reason way I said let out what ever needs to be let out before hand has nothing really to do with irritation, as I feel that this psychotic rage is actually my depression. I struggle to allow myself the ability to deal with my sadness that occurs every now and then. so since I wont deal with my depression normally, I turn it to anger. I currently feel this is stupid and idiotic. my reason for doing these actions make no real sense and thus i am trying to fid a way around my barriers of denial. i am hoping that maybe once I figure this out, I might be able to tell Adam how to do the same. Considering Eve not that long ago was feeling like she and Adam were in the perfect place to begin to seriously try to start a family. but since the occurence of Adam's last blow up, she only feels hurt as her hopes were dashed. Thus in my opinion as long as things continue the way they are going, all Adam needs to do is long to deal with HIS rage differntly and both Adam and Eve will be ready for the next stage in their lives, and much happier for it. Why do i want to figure this skill out for Adam? because I am currently in a state of mind that I can realize that they have done much for me and maybe this make them as hapy as I have been becoming. This has ben another entry about the quest from hell to the heaven of mental stability.
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