still cant sleep

continueing and not continueing.  I think I am jujst got to free write....
feelo the ebb and flow of livfe the burning of my hnads my heart and mysoul. tormented by myself I continue through the fire i create.  insanity binds me where time cannot heal me.  life most go on though my head rages on
all things considered things should be ok and they are no t my mind runs parrellel to my own desire and vision,. thoughts thatt shouldnt be hold my attention longer than they should. feeling soft skin in phatom waves.  breasts lifted above the ocean of despair.  hearts lifting where otherwise they woyuld drown.  my mind trys to grasp at things it knows is untrue.  love hatred affection lies denial these are my things.  i am their toy why wont they leave me alone.  why cant i see the truth through the fog. can some one pull me  out of this dream.  why cant my hand reach my hand and save myself.  life begins with struggle and pain, life is pain. but life is joy. the glass is half full.  but the voices in my mind, disagree. cut me into peices let e fall yet this has already occured and i knew not at all. the empty sheel of my heart screams for mass.  i strech my energy towards another only to be either denied or to suck them in and thus down i go into the dark wonderland.  to sleep with the realization that i am not alone, why does this comfort me
why do i want it so
i need that body of flesh near me i want to wrap around it mind and body my soul is hungry for forgiveness and salvation.  yet these are things I know I allone can give to myself no one else can fix them but yet still i hunger for that which will not fix.  addiction stracch my wrists, pulling me back to habits old.  nothing is the same when the glass fractured and cracked, the tint changes with the emotion that sems dominant.  why do i flux? did i stop maintinaing control? i believe so, doig so wel i forgot to watch my views to rotate the die early to stop the snowball from being an ice boulder move i say move i scream to myself move forward and up ward stop this insanity keep it from blocking my life so myuch to do so many dreams so many things i have time no need to hurry but going back wards is not efficient and thus should not occcur my brain becomes anylitical as the pain syubsies but only for a momment as i remeber my desires and i want I want,.  porn porn porn is his name the monkey jumbs up and down growing bigger and bigger the more i feed it,.  yet it stall
and stall
nd stall only for me to wake up in the caveof my making.  the ligtht hiden from my eyes.  looking putside upon the face of the sun i am burned
scared
and utterly afraid
the light is newuntrustworthy nothing works here the way i though
pain
i know pain
hope
joy
happiness
is nothing but tools to my enemies
and yetthese same things are weapons against myself
so bring on the light
create the joy
where it is normally hidden
can someone help me>
'is it ok to ask?
I know no t
i fear asking for assistance when i know that others need it as well
why
why
why
 everything is so confusing
love
hatred
and indifference
i feel these things all in their time
one first
then the other
only to branch of to the next before starting again
not time limit
only differnce in accerlation
and depth
the holes they possses
brains lead me to darkness and or rage
love
leads only to darkness
which turns to rage
yet
i contradict myself
where I know not
i feel the sense of wrong
of distortion
where doe si t lie
I care no0t
Find my pain
and find my joy
defeat my pain
as i do so i earn more rewards
the building blocks of my life fall
to be replaced with proper brick
and metal beams
slow
slow they fall
guns blads
and fire
these things
why do they perisist
why do i hate myself so?
i am weak
maybe that is why.. all my life i hav4e been no one
for someone stands and makes decision i have made very few
and all that I have made i question
doing is better than not doing
yet through all this progress i still feel pain
blade be still my chest desrerves not your edge
i control my pain
where this leads i know not. 
fear not my blades my gunds and my fire are not reality
but that is what makes them worse
for they are in my mind
and used by my mind against ME
WHAY
i lok in the mirror and feel failure
I have succeded in my endeavors
I know......
two days missed are a failyure
but i passed the test
i did not fail
YET

arguments
suck
pain and strige
strife
pain and strife
pain and strife
finally sleep descends
wish me the night
and maybe i will grant myself the stars